Disasterpiece Theater
by PhoenixFire Lia
Summary: It's finally updated, but with a new twist. The casts of all the seasons have thrown together a short parody of Gundam Wing. Bad special effects abound!
1. An Armadillomon Story

Disasterpiece Theater

Disasterpiece Theater

From the folks who brought you the Weekly Digimon Reports

The old studio has changed to one of a study, complete with a fireplace and a comfy red velvet cushioned wing chair. Lia sat in the wing chair, smiling at her audience. 

"Good evening, and welcome to Disasterpiece Theater. Since season two ended, I'll be broadcasting this instead. What I'm doing is pulling an 02 character's name from a hat (at random) and writing a short piece on that cast member. Unfortunately, this might end up being one of the last things I write for a while. My Internet service at home is from my dad's work, and his company is changing Internet service so I won't get it at home, and my parents don't know if they want to pay for Internet. So, that's my spiel. Anyway, today's piece is one about…"

Lia goes into the plastic hardhat sitting by her computer and pulls out a slip of paper. 

"Armadillomon. And now, ladies and gentlemen, an Armadillomon Story…"

~*~

Cody had been gone all day, and it was starting to get unbearable. Armadillomon glanced at the clock sourly, started pacing the floor, and glanced at the clock again. The time hadn't changed in that whole two seconds. 

"Where could he be? How long does it take for someone to have a dentist's appointment?"

Cody's D-Terminal, which he left on his desk along with his D-3, suddenly chimed, announcing new email. 

"Well I'll be! Cody gets almost as much email as Kari!"

The little yellow armadillo went over to the D-Terminal and opened it up. Surprisingly, the email was addressed to _him. _

_Armadillomon~_

_Shootout at the Digital OK Corral. Be there, or else._

_~Sheriff Starmon_

"Starmon?! But he went back to being a law-abiding digimon after we removed his Dark Ring! Oh well, might as well go along with it. It may end up being some big hoax. Yeah, I'll go see what he wants…after a sandwich and a nap."

THIS IS NO TIME FOR SANDWICHES OR NAPS! YOU'RE THE HERO OF THE STORY, DO SOMETHING!

Armadillomon stared at the ceiling in confusion. "Either that's the author or I've had one too many tacos."

~*~

To make a short story shorter, Armadillomon coerced T.K. into helping him get to the Digital World, and to the Wild West. No sooner did he get there than he found himself wearing Mimi's old pink ten-gallon hat. 

"Huh? Now where in tarnation did this come from?"

"Howdy, pardner. You must be new in town, City Slicker. Why doncha step into the bar and have a cold drink?" a familiar voice asked. 

"Wait just a gall durn minute! Since when do you own a bar in the Digital Old West, Gabumon?"

The lizard-dog thing shrugged, adjusting his hat. "Dunno. Hey, if Matt can own a rock band, I can run a bar. I have a liquor license and everything!"

Armadillomon followed the bartender in, and hopped into one of the stools. 

"Uh…gee, this is a kids' show. Should I really be drinking?"

"You won't be able to drink when I'm through with you, that's because you'll have holes through yer middle!" Starmon exclaimed, coming through the front doors. Silence fell over the room. The card players dropped their hands and chips, the waitresses nearly fainted, and Gomamon, who was at the player piano trying to play with no hands, stopped playing. 

"Hold the enchilada! Why are you causing trouble round these parts? You don't have a Dark Ring anymore or anything!" Armadillomon exclaimed, the hat falling over his eyes. 

"Well, this was the best we could come up with for a story about you, you yellow-bellied city slicker!"

"Actually, my belly's purple. You wanna make something of it?"

"Bring it on."

Armadillomon waddled out of the bar after the sheriff, frowning. 

_I don't know what I've gotten myself into, but I know I can get myself out…I hope. _

"Ten paces, then draw!"

"Now, wait, draw what? A still life, or a portrait? And you know, sculpture's more my media…"

"YOU KNOW DURN WELL WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!"

Biyomon, one of the waitresses wearing fishnets and a feather boa, scrambled out of the bar. 

"Hey! Do it right! Show him what you're playing for!" 

"Oh! Almost fergot! Thanks, little lady. Deputymon, bring out Batchelorette #1!"

The pistol digimon came out of the sheriff's office with a little girl dressed in one of those frilly waitress/barmaid outfits, and way too much makeup. 

"Armadillomon, help me!"

"Cody?! You're a cross dresser?!"

"No! These stupid digimon kidnapped me and dressed me up like a girl just because my voice actor is Mimi's voice actor! But don't hurt them, they're living creatures like you and me!"

Agumon sat on a chair outside the post office, hearing Cody's sentimental speech. 

"Back in my day, we didn't care who we blew up. Now these here whippersnappers don't wanna blow up anything that's trying to gall durn kill 'em."

Starmon and Armadillomon stood back-to-back, or relatively back-to-back, and counted off ten paces. Both turned and whipped guns from their holsters, pulling the triggers. Little white flags reading "Bang!" on them popped out of the barrels. 

"What in tarnation?"

"Network censors! Thank you Terri-Lei O'Malley!" Armadillomon cried. Starmon picked up Deputymon and tried using _him _as a gun.

"Um, Sheriff, can you just put me down? Please?"

Armadillomon picked up a conveniently placed watermelon, swallowed the whole thing, rind and all, and started shooting a barrage of seeds like a machine gun. They bounced off Starmon with a little "ping" every time. 

"Ow! Ow! Ow! Okay, okay! You win, you win! I'll give back your little scary boyish girl thing and leave you well alone."

Cody wiped off the makeup with a sleeve and pulled off the dress, revealing his usual turtleneck and leggings. 

"Can we go home now, Armadillomon? I'm very confused."

"Me too. Hi ho, Silver, away!"

"Um, Armadillomon?"

"Yeah Cody?"

"We don't have a horse named Silver."

"Can we use Pegasusmon?"

Cody shrugged as he and our armadillo hero walked off into the sunset. 

Palmon stood outside the bar, feathers stuck to her head. "Who was that masked mon anyway?"

~*~

"There you have it, an Armadillomon Story. I'm aware that it was short and made little sense, but that's what these stories are designed for. Like I said earlier, I don't know if and/or when the next story or any story of mine will come out, but until then I'm still very much involved in Digimon. I'm Lia Agianna for Disasterpiece Theater. Good night."

And as the lights dimmed a cattle stampede and a herd of tumbleweeds ran through the back of the set, followed by Armadillomon in the ten-gallon hat, riding Pegasusmon and swinging a lasso. 

"YIPPEE-YI-O-KAY-E! Get along, little doggies!" 

Lia groaned and sank back into her chair. "Why do I have a bad feeling about these things?"

~*~

So the first one wasn't exactly funny. It was the first thing I could come up with. Besides, who writes a story about Armadillomon anyway? So…review or something. 


	2. Lia...wait, that's me?!

Disasterpiece Theater

Disasterpiece Theater

This is a nightmare, it seriously is.

Well, readers, welcome back to the study. Lia's sitting in her cushy red velvet wing chair, a thick leather-bound book in her lap. 

"Hello everybody, welcome to another week at Disasterpiece Theater. I first want to apologize for last week's monstrosity; I had no idea what to do with Armadillomon. Everyone I've heard from thus far agrees…you can't write a fanfic about Armadillomon. This week's short piece _should _be better. Let's see who the lucky victim is." Lia goes over to her plastic hardhat, still sitting by the computer, and pulls out a slip of paper. 

"Today's big winner is…me?! Well, this is a shock. It's a story about me. *sigh* Good thing I didn't pick Hawkmon."

~*~

I had just gotten back from the hairdresser's…nothing fancy, just having my ends trimmed, and was out in the sunshine, enjoying my Saturday. Temperatures were in the high seventies, giving me a perfect excuse to wear my favorite flip-flops. You know, the plastic kind from Old Navy that everybody's wearing these days. Anyway, so here I was, wearing a pair of blue plastic flip-flops, denim shorts that I swear shrank in the wash because I certainly didn't buy them to look like rejects off the _Dukes of Hazard, _and a cotton tank-top, halfway to my apartment. When out of nowhere, who should I see sitting outside the Starbucks on Sakura Boulevard, but my own boyfriend, looking ever so sexy as he hunched over his mug of caramel frappuchino.

Well, when the hottest guy in all of Tokyo (who I just happen to have been dating for almost a full year) is sitting outside of a Starbucks with a caramel frappuchino and an electric bass, the natural thing to do is say hi, right? Bad idea when you're a walking disaster like me. Sure, my sisters had the sense to take dance class, while I'm the proverbial bull in the china shop. 

"Hi…" I never even got to finish my sentence because lo and behold, I tripped over my own two klutzy feet, sent both my plastic flip-flops flying into oncoming traffic, and landed head-over-heels on the pavement. Smooth move on my part…maybe I'm slowly turning into Mimi. Now there's a scary thought. 

Fortunately for me, I did have a few blessings on my side. One being Nicki wasn't anywhere in the vicinity. Chances were good that if she saw that little incident, I'd get my usual dose of her sour derision. 

"Ha ha, sucks to be you!"

I hate that phrase more than I hate Yolei…and that's a lot of hatred right there. 

My second miracle was that blonde bishounen with the coffee sitting three feet away. He vaulted over the table and was by my side sooner than you can say…something. 

"Lia?! What happened to you?" he asked. Almighty Kami-sama, I'm lost in his eyes already! And with a pair of tinted sunglasses?! Oh, I'm melting already. 

A/N: As you can see, this is one of my more blonde moments. I've definitely been spending WAY too much time around Ms. Tachikawa. 

M/N: I take offense with that phrase, "blonde moments." But I think you're tripping due to too much rain and not enough sleep. 

I smiled at him pathetically, trying to untangle myself from…um, myself. 

"You happened, Ishida, you happened. That and the fact that I have absolutely no coordination to save my life."

Matt rolled his eyes and offered a hand, sticky with whipped cream. After getting back into an upright position and checking to make sure I hadn't broken, cut, bruised, or otherwise injured myself, he and I retrieved my now slightly flattened sandals from the road. 

"Maybe I should walk you home, just so you don't cause any more damage to yourself," he suggested, getting his guitar and his coffee. Hey, who am I to disagree? Lucky me, walking home with Matt Ishida, the most sought-after boy in all of Japan, and I am proud to say I snagged him four years ago and continue to hold his heart. 

"Ooh, I was wondering. You think you could help me with my _HMS Pinafore _audition? I'm still having a hard time keeping that C sharp in tune," I mentioned. 

"No problem, glad to help." 

I grinned at him evilly. "You won't be saying that after I hit the B flat. I had Nicki writhing in pain yesterday."

Matt shot me an equally sinister look. "She deserved it. She deserves any and all pain."

"Yama-kun, why do you two hate each other so much? I've never quite understood that."

He shrugged. "If I knew, do you think I'd be taking pot shots at her all the time? I dunno, it's like the Montague and Capulet feud, both families hated each other and neither knew why."

"Shakespeare test in Lit yesterday?"

"Oh yeah."

~*~

We were right outside my apartment building, ready for a quick kiss before the all-knowing, all-seeing FATHER caught sight of Matt and made him recite the ol' Rules of Dating, when suddenly HE appeared out of nowhere. Worse than that, my GRANDPARENTS were with him. Worse still, Matt already had his lips on mine. They were standing right behind my bishy, Dad with this psycho look on his face that made Malomyotismon look like Jesus. Matt pulled back, holding my hands, and gave me this queer look. 

"Your dad is right behind me, isn't he?"

I managed to squeak a pathetic "yes."

"With your grandparents?"

I nodded, turning a shade of green that would make Palmon envious. 

Matt turned slowly, and I was certain my father, the Darth Vader of Odaiba, would pull out a shotgun. 

"Hello, Matt," he said in a very Hannibal Lecter tone. 

"Um, good afternoon Mr. Agianna. I was just walking Lia home, and now that I have, I'll be going."

The boy _ran. _Like took off in a dead run, leaving me with my father and his health food obsessed parents. I think I'd rather spend the afternoon with Archnemon and Mummymon. 

_Some savior you are, Yamato. Next time your life is in peril remind me not to save it. _

"Who was that, Lia dear?" my grandmother asked, rooting around in her purse for her travel-sized Bible. 

A/N: All right, I'm exaggerating just a little about my dad and his parents. But I bet you dollars to digivices my grandmother really does have a travel-sized Bible in her pocketbook. That's why I'm afraid to spend the night with them. 

Blushing, I meekly answered, "My boyfriend Matt."

"You look like you've been rolling around on the ground, young lady. Is there something you wish to tell me?" my father questioned. 

"I took a face plant outside of Starbucks and lost my shoes, which would have been roadkill if it weren't for Matt, who then offered to walk me home and help me with my choir musical audition song."

"I remember when your sister was that age, son. She looked just like that," my grandfather said. 

Man, what a disaster! If it weren't for my mom and her sudden and urgent need for a gallon of milk, I would've been stuck listening to anecdotes from the Sixties for the next hour. And what gets worse, as I'm in the checkout line with my gallon of two percent and a bag of M&M's (I found a bit of cash that got laundered with my shorts, I'm entitled to spending it on candy), who should show up but Archnemon herself?! And did I not just wish to spend time with her? Me and my big mouth! 

Maybe she won't see me. It's not like I spend all that much time with the other Digidestined, maybe she doesn't know me very well. 

M/N: I know what you're thinking, Archnemon and I don't deserve to be in this since 02 is over, she died and I'm supposed to be forty years old. Think of this as an alternate reality (thanks for the term, Sherman, I'll have Lia give it back when she's done). 

"Excuse me," the scary spider chick said, tapping my shoulder. I must have jumped fifty feet into the air. 

"What?! I'm not one of the kids out to get rid of you because you're bent on destroying two worlds!" 

Oh, that's about as smooth as the digger you took in front of that total babe you call a boyfriend. 

"I was just going to ask if you had change for a ten, but I can see that you're one of those nosy little brats that always gets in our way!" 

And suddenly instead of an scary lady with a big Carmen Sandiego hat, there's a scary spider thingy lady running around the ol' convenience store. It's so not my day. And it gets much, much worse. My favorite little bowling ball, the thing that supposed to protect me no matter what, you know him? Well, little did I know that my sisters had discovered Demidevimon sleeping upside-down in my closet, next to one of my nice fuzzy sweaters and probably getting drool on it, and locked the little winged wonder in with the mothballs. So, I'm definitely screwed. And even though I'm in the Inoue convenience store, Yolei and her belt bird are nowhere in sight. 

"I shall save you! For I am the terror that flaps in the night! I am the green potato chip in the bottom of the bag that nobody wants to eat! I am Batpig!" Guess who shows up to rescue me instead?

"Lia! I just conveniently happened to be outside when I saw _her _and decided to spring into action like the good little Digidestined I am!" T.K. said with the same over-enthusiasm he always has. Archnemon was somehow intimidated by the lump of orange lard in the cape and cowl, paid for her Keno tickets and took off. 

"Well, it could have been worse. My father could have come. He's already terrified your brother beyond all mortal comprehension," I sighed, paying for my own groceries and heading out of the store. 

~*~

After having a strict lecture on boys and having the TEN Rules of Dating read aloud at the dinner table (Dad got a new, updated list. "I am the all-knowing, all-seeing god of your universe. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Don't trifle with me," and such utter nonsense that would have Matt in hysterics faster than you can say Quatre Winner), I was free to plop down in front of my PC. A few games of FreeCell later, I typed up my little adventure and posted it online for all to see. (That's what you're reading, folks.) And as I shut down the computer to go to bed, I fell over backwards in my computer chair, hit my arm on the hard drive of the computer that is not hooked up properly, rolled across the floor, crashed into a couple binders I happened to have lying on the floor from doing homework, and ended in another discombobulated heap while my flip-flops hung precariously on my toes. Needless to say, Matt was not around to help me this time. 

"A little assistance here? Anyone? Help? Please? Somebody?"

~*~

"Well, this is what happens when I have to write a story about myself. That, and what happens when I'm cooped up all day with nothing to do and nothing to watch. Maybe my next subject will have more of a plot than this. Anyway, this has been Lia Agianna for Disasterpiece Theater. Go review, and beware plastic flip-flops. They are so freaking dangerous."

~*~

**This was almost about Hawkmon. If it was lousy, just keep telling yourself it wasn't a Hawkmon story. Be grateful. **

**_You cheated and put Hawkmon back in the hat!_**

**Yeah, because I had no intention on writing about a British belt bird today! **


	3. Joe and the Amazing Technicolor Labcoat

Disasterpiece Theater

Disasterpiece Theater

Music by Andrew Lloyd Webber

And once again, we're in the fabulous Disasterpiece Theater study, where Lia is sitting in her wing chair, reading a volume of _Fushigi Yuugi _manga she found at her local Borders. 

"Hi! Welcome to another week at Disasterpiece Theater. I'll tell you right now that this week's story is about Joe…because I wanted it to be. Yes, I didn't pull Joe at random. It has everything to do with my weekend plans. But before I begin, I'd like to announce the highly anticipated winners of that Sorato contest I had going. Now, as much as I loved all of the stories, and picking winners was incredibly difficult, I did so. Without further ado…the winners!"

Willis walks onstage and hands Lia an envelope. 

"In second place, **Sweethearts by Lady Yamato. **And in first place…um, I had a tie because I couldn't decide. The winners are **Let's Get Married by King Weregarurumon **and **Boku wa Itsudemo Soba Ni Iru by chichamunkyhead. **Thank you to all who entered, and winners, please email me so I can take requests for your prize. And now, I present Joe and the Amazing Technicolor Lab-Coat."

~*~

Way, way back many episodes ago, not long after the season began… 

Joe lived in the city of Tokyo, a fine example of…a medical student and Digidestined. One of twelve existent characters, Joe was the favorite one. Yes, I'm aware that T.K. and Kari are the "producers' favorites," but in this story Joe is the favorite. Okay?

So, Joe was given an amazing technicolor lab coat for no real reason at all. The reaction of the other eleven Digidestined?

"Eh."

**You're supposed to be mad! This is like that Donny Osmond musical!**

"Oh. We're not happy!"

And now this coat has got their goat, they feel like it's unfair! Joseph's charm and winning smile failed to slay them in the aisle…

So, the others planned to do the good doctor in. 

"Now wait a minute! We're a bunch of really moral kids! We're not just going to go out and kill Joe just because he's got a new lab coat!" Cody exclaimed. 

"He does look rather fruity in it though," Yolei mentioned. 

"I agree with Cody. Besides, I have a rehearsal anyway," Matt sighed, starting to leave.

"Oh no you don't! If I have to kill Joe, then you're helping!" Tai argued. 

So when Joe came up to the computer room for a Digital World excursion as usual, they jumped him, tossed him in a broom closet, and ripped his lab coat to pieces. The malicious youth all went into the Digital World and sold Joe to a bunch of Gazimon passing through. 

"Hey, what gives? I'm allergic to rabbits! You're fogging up my glasses!"

And, after spilling theatrical blood all over the shredded lab coat, proceeded to tell Joe's fuzzy little partner about the "tragedy."

How low can you stoop? You make a sordid group, hey, how low can you stoop? 

[big fat musical production!}

"Gomer, we've something to tell you,

A story of our time.

A tragic but inspiring tale 

Of manhood in his prime.

We know we were a dozen kids,

But now that's not quite true.

But feel no sorrow, do not grieve,

He would not want you to.

There's one more angel in Heaven,

There's one more tear in my eye.

Joe, we'll never forget you!

It's tough but we're gonna get by…"

And the song continues, Gomamon standing there in openmouthed shock the whole time. So now the digimon are convinced Joe was killed fighting off a hoard of rabid Yokomon. But Joe is actually elsewhere…

~*~

After being thrown in jail for "attempted rape" of a Floramon…she did all the moves and got the boy blamed…Joe was asked to serve the Pharaoh in Digital Egypt. 

"Please not Mummymon, please not Mummymon, please not Mummymon…" he mumbled. The Pharaoh sat on his throne in all splendor, disco lights flashing. 

"Well, hey, hey Joseph, uh-huh-huh!"

Joe looked up, tilting his head in confusion. "Etemon?! You're the Pharaoh?"

"That's right, little buddy, and I've been having these psychedelic dreams that I don't get. It's like tripping on LSD, uh-huh-huh!"

"Well, maybe I can figure them out. I **am **a doctor, after all."

Well, Etemon puts his troubles to song, and in between the guards and dancers singing "bop-she-wadda-wadda" Joe got the gist of it. 

"So you're telling me you've been dreaming about slathering yourself in hot fudge and offering yourself up to the Dark Masters?"

"Uh, wrong dream."

"Oh. You've been dreaming that you see ten minutes of _Escaflowne _followed by ten hours of _Los Luchadores?"_

"That's about it."

"Easy. It means FOX is going to have half a season full of really good shows, followed by three seasons of really terrible ones. We got that half season already, with Escaflowne, season two of Digimon, and a couple other things. Now we're in the middle of the bad years. You need someone to guide you through it."

"How bout you, uh-huh-huh?"

"To put it simply, thank you, thank you very much."

This would be a good place to end the show. But what about Joe's gang back at home? 

~*~

[another musical number]

"Do you remember the good old days?

(a bunch of lines I don't know)

And I'm even missing Joe and his allergies.

That first season we used to know,

Where has it gone?

Where did it go?

Eh bien, raise your berets.

To those good old days."

And the song goes on, improvised for Digimon. Eventually Ken suggests they go hunt down Joe in the Digital World and after getting into a fight with Izzy about who the genius of the team is, they all go. 

~*~

Joe found it a strain not to laugh because not a kid among them knew who he was! 

"I shall now take them all for a ride,

After all they have tried homicide!"

The kids were cringing before Joe, done up by a bunch of concubines lolling around the palace of good ol' Etemon. 

"How do I know where you come from?

You could be spies!"

After still another musical number, Joe decided to grab Cody. 

"This one! He's a thief! He stole…um…he stole this digivice!"

"But it's mine!"

"Liar! Take him away!"

As the guards came the girls started shrieking hysterically and the other guys were trying to plead for Cody. After all, without Cody, there would be no sensible midget in the group!

"Give me a break. Mimi, you're my freaking girlfriend and you didn't even recognize me. You guys are so pathetic. I'm allergic to physical violence anyways!"

Tai, Matt, Ken, T.K. and Davis (Izzy isn't one for physical violence either) glanced at each other. 

"WE'RE GOING TO KILL YOU…AGAIN!"

And thus ends the story of Joe and the Amazing Technicolor Lab-Coat. With another big musical number, singing, dancing, disco lights and confetti. 

~*~

"Well, another weekend, another story. See, my sisters are putting on _Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, _I'm helping out backstage, and I thought this would be a nifty little variation. Join me again soon for another pointless story from Disasterpiece Theater. Now go review or we'll do another musical number."


	4. Sora's Unlucky Hat

Disasterpiece Theater

Disasterpiece Theater

We like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain.

Instead of being in the stuffy library set, Lia's moved the show to the beach. Right now the author is sitting in a reclined beach chair, wearing a blue halter-top and a pair of denim short (and the evil flip flops) and holding a strawberry daiquiri. It's non-alcoholic, considering the author's only fifteen, so it's more like a Dunkin Donuts strawberry Coolatta. 

"Welcome to another week of mindless mayhem from Disasterpiece Theater. I'm your host, Lia Agianna, who just tripped over the same freaking rock twice. I think my toe is broken! Anyway, let's get right to the story. Today's big winner is…Sora!"

"Did you call?"

"No, I didn't, Sora. Go back to protecting Matt from the fangirls while I host my show."

"Okay!"

~*~

Sora was in her room, reorganizing her already incredibly organized closet. Lo and behold, from the depths of neatly folded sweaters and a few rows of used soccer cleats, comes the Lucky Hat. For those of you who don't remember, Sora's Lucky Hat was that blue, bowl-like thing that she wore constantly last season. It was hard as a rock one episode and squishy the next. Yup, that hat. 

"Wow, I haven't seen this in ages! I can't believe I found it!" she said in her usual perky manner. 

Trying it on for old time's sake, Sora discovered that the Lucky Hat, by the grace of Kami-Sama, still fit. 

Figuring it would be an interesting reminder of some of the old adventures, Sora decided to wear the Lucky Hat to the party Tai had thrown together at the last minute. It was supposed to be an end-of-school blowout, but Joe was still stuck in med school so they changed it to something other than school. Of course, Tai had twisted Matt's arm and forced _him _to rent the room at the restaurant. 

"Why me?"

"Because you're the rock star!"

"That doesn't make me rich! Don't forget, I pay for everything at home because my dad is too busy working and getting drunk. That paycheck has to last!"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, save me the sob story."

Sora shook her head, remembering how long it took for the others to get those two to shut up. 

_At least they weren't beating each other bloody. _

The minute she walked into the room everybody just stopped. Dead cold. Nicki and Matt had even stopped mid-squabble to stare at her. 

"What? What?" Sora questioned, noticing the bizarre looks from all sides. 

"You're wearing _that hat,_" Izzy pointed out. 

"Yeah, so? It's my Lucky Hat. I thought it would be a good reminder for all the things we did when we were the Digidestined."

"Sora, that hat brought nothing but trouble! It's cursed! Get it away from me!" Mimi squealed. 

"I'm allergic to that hat," Joe sighed. 

"I don't see the problem. It's a hat," Yolei mentioned. 

"It's a satanic hat from the gates of Hell," T.K. said morosely, sounding like Goth T.K. from the Lost Temple of Ishida. 

"I wasn't even around and I know that that hat was the cause of most destruction!" Lia added. 

"I bet that hat was responsible for Matt trying to kill Tai," Gatomon muttered, filing her claws. 

"BakaYama!" Nicki shouted, splashing the blonde with her punch. 

"I'll kill you!" 

"See? It's starting already! Get rid of it, Sora, before more damage is caused!" Tai moaned. 

"That's nothing. It would've happened, hat or no hat. Just because Nicki splashed Matt with punch doesn't mean my hat is cursed."

Just then Davis started hollering black-and-blue bloody murder, running around the room like a madman. 

"Davis?! What's wrong?" Ken asked. 

Davis motioned to his egg roll, then stuck out his tongue. A small mousetrap was fixed to the end of it. 

Everyone eyed Sora suspiciously. "It's not the hat!"

"Sho then how did a moushetrap get in Davish's egg roll?" Chibimon (not Demiveemon, never Demiveemon) questioned. "Huh?"

"Coincidence!"

"Matt, your face!" Mimi pointed in horror, tossing our fave bishounen a mirror. The punch Nicki had splashed on him had turned his skin a lovely shade of magenta, not to mention the hair caught in the fruit-flavored tidal wave. 

"Oh, this is lovely. Just fabulous. I look like a Smurf with a sunburn!"

"Sora…"

"I'm telling you, it isn't the hat!"

Within the next half hour, more and more mayhem ensued. Lia tripped over or banged into everything trip-overable or bangable, Tai had his hair caught in a fan, Izzy's laptop crashed at least ten times, Cody found half a rat in something he was eating, Yolei's and Mimi's hair turned bright green, and Wormmon was abducted by a fisherman in a yellow coat. Patamon had to rescue him. It wasn't pretty. 

"SORA, GET RID OF THE HAT!"

"All right, all right, I'll get rid of the hat. Sheesh. I still say it was all a coincidence." 

Sora started walking home with her hat, trying to figure out how her hat could be unlucky. 

"It's a lucky hat, not an unlucky hat. So why did all of that happen?"

Actually, the hat wasn't Sora's Lucky Hat at all. Her Lucky Hat was lost somewhere in the prop department, along with Matt's gloves, Joe's sweatervest, T.K.'s fruitbowl of a hat, and Kari's whistle. The Lucky Hat she had in her closet was a spare that N**** and B******* put in her closet before we blew them up…or before they got fired. Whichever comes first. And just as Sora got outside her apartment building, she tripped over her own pink plastic flip-flops and fell into a puddle, ruining her nifty outfit. 

"Okay, so maybe the hat_ is _cursed."

~*~

"I know, I know, the story wasn't very Sora-ish. I didn't want to do a Sorato because all the other Matt or Sora pair-up advocates would balk and besides, Sora generally has the personality of a wet paper bag. So, keep it here on FF.net and stay tuned for another disaster from Disasterpiece Theater. Keep cool!"

And as Lia got up to get a can of Nestea from the cooler next to her beach chair, a rogue Frisbee flung by Tai whapped her in the head, causing her to tumble over the cooler and end up with a huge bruise and a mouthful of sand. 

"STUPID FLIP-FLOPS!"

~*~

Go now and review, or you shall receive Sora's Unlucky Hat…or worse, BLUE PLASTIC OLD NAVY FLIP-FLOPS!!!!

**_The horror, the horror! _**  
  
  



	5. A Brief Batpig

Disasterpiece Theater

Disasterpiece Theater

Where stupidity is just a click away. 

The show isn't being broadcast in the study or from the beach this weekend. Instead, we're shooting from the Agianna apartment, where Lia is on her couch, in her pajamas, whimpering pathetically. 

"He died?! He died! Why did he die?" 

Willis, our general backstage manager, points to the camera and the little red light on the camera. 

"Oh, we're on? Sorry, I'm still a bit upset about _Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. _Hi, I'm Lia and this is another episode of Disasterpiece Theater. Today's broadcast tale is one of porcine proportions. That's right, I pulled…Patamon. Fortunately, our ham friend is a lot easier to write about than that stupid armadillo…especially when I have a franchise in the Patamon department. Go now, to the pig's story while I try and figure out what exactly happened in that two hour movie other than a lot of swordfighting and people flying over rooftops."

~*~

Patamon, our favorite caped crusader, had fallen asleep on the couch while watching every Batman movie known to mankind. Biyomon and Wizardmon, his roommates and sidekicks, were at their own homes, pestering their respective owners. When the little pork tenderloin awoke, muttering about a tub of grocery style potato salad he had a crush on, he noticed a whole lot of light pouring in through the mansion windows. He glanced at the huge clock in the corner…2:27 AM, Gotham City Daylight Savings Time. It was then he realized he was being summoned by…THE BATPIG SIGNAL!!!

"To the Batpigmobile De…oh, that's right, you're not here. Looks like I'm flying solo tonight."

The Pork Knight hurried to the entrance of the Batpig Cave, sliding down the fireman's pole and into his appropriated cape and cowl. It took him a good ten minutes to find his car keys, and once he did find them he discovered (to his horror) the engine in the Batpigmobile wouldn't turn over!

"Stupid car! Why won't you work? I just had Joe send you to Jiffy-Lube for a tune up!" 

He sighed, looking around for a substitute mode of transportation. In the corner was the Batpig Motorcycle. Next to it the Batpig Supersonic Jet and the Batpig Submarine. Our hero hopped onto the motorcycle and tore out of the Batpig Cave, the Batpig Training Wheels squeaking as he burned rubber down to the Gotham City Police. 

The police station was locked, and all the lights were off. 

"Hello?! Commissioner? HEY SORA!" 

Batpigkicked the door with his small, rodent-like foot, cursing profusely as it started throbbing. Someone on the roof of the station (where the Batpig Signal is kept) whistled. 

"Get your lard-ridden behind up here, you orange lump of cholesterol," the person hissed. 

"If this is another one of Shadowmon's stupid pranks I'll…" he grumbled, propelling himself up the wall with his Batpig Grappling Hook.

~*~

"I am the terror that flaps in the night! I am…Yolei?! Why the heck are you calling for me? I thought Sora was the only one with access to the Batpig Signal!" the Caped Crusader snapped. 

The purple-haired hussy glanced around nervously. "There's some guy who's been tailing me for six-and-a-half blocks now. I think he works for the Archam Legion of Criminally Insane Digimon."

Patamon rolled his eyes. "Well, what were you doing that coerced this guy into following you? Huh?"

Yolei folded her arms across her chest. "So maybe I was blackmailing Ken so he'd go out with me. And I might have been sending threatening letters to Mimi so she'd keep away from Joe. And setting up surveillance cameras in the Kamiya apartment so I could watch Tai. And planning the deaths of Lia and Nicki so I could have Matt and Izzy all to myself…but that's it, I swear!"

"Oh. Okay!"

Just then a hoard of shadows jumped from the rooftop of the corner deli across the street and onto the police station. 

"Like you're really going to believe her?" someone asked. 

"Who the heck are you?" Yolei questioned. 

"The Alliance of Night's Vigilantes. Or, just the Alliance if you prefer."

"NO! Not you guys _again! _This is MY fanfic, buzz off!" Batpig shrieked. 

Kaiser tapped his whip against his palm. "Look, Batpig, we'll leave in a minute. Just thought you should know that ain't Yolei."

"Eh?"

"Nope. Shapeshifter on the run from the Men in Black show. Let us deal with it, you go back to whatever you were doing," Fallen Angel stated coolly. 

"WHO THE HECK ARE YOU PEOPLE, AND WHY DO YOU KNOW THESE THINGS?!" 

"We're just on a higher level of authority than you, that's all," Phantomon replied. 

"So…" Darkscythe started to say. Wormmon shook his head. 

"This is a G-rated fanfic. Keep your language to that."

The alien shed the Yolei appearance much like Malomyotismon did out of Oikawa. The whole explode from the skin routine? Yeah, that. 

"If you want to deal with that on your own, then go right ahead," Kaiser said, pointing to the twenty-foot high creature with claws and fangs, oozing with green slime, bug-eyed, the works. Standard movie monster alien. 

"Of all the times Biyomon isn't here," Patamon grumbled, going through his utility belt. 

While he was busy with that, the Alliance was working on taming the savage beast themselves. Phantomon was thrown against a wall, the thing nearly ate Darkscythe's weapon of choice, and (air quotes) laser fire was bouncing right off of it. 

"Nothing's working!" Fallen Angel pointed out. 

"Well aware of it!" Kaiser snapped. 

"Hmmm…Batpig Soy Sauce, Batpig Ant Trap, Batpig Bobby Pin, Batpig Microphone, Batpig Printer Paper, Batpig Electrical Tape…why can't the author give me anything useful?!"

Just then, the giant alien thing knocked the only girl of the group off her feet and picked her up upside-down, giving her a good shake in the process. This, of course, knocked her mask off. 

Patamon actually didn't notice this. Here it is, the chance to unmask Fallen Angel, and he misses it! However, he did find a few useful Batpig items in his utility belt. 

"Whaddya know? Several gun thingies and I have no idea what they do!"

He fired one, it shot a thin wire cable out of it that wound around the alien thing's legs and knocked it over, giving the femme fatale a chance to scramble out of its clutches and retrieve her mask. The other one was a spare icer from Men in Black. The alien was frosted, Batpig actually saved the city for once. 

"Now, let's discuss your true identities," he said to the team of heroes staring in shock at the busted alien. 

"Let's not and say we did," Darkscythe retorted, hurtling onto another rooftop and vanishing into the night. 

"It's a secret in a mystery in an enigma," Phantomon added as he floated off, carrying Wormmon. 

Batpig glanced at Kaiser and Fallen Angel, who were holding hands. 

"And what about you two? Ken and some girl person?"

"Must I keep telling you I'm not Ken? Look, it's a secret."

"Telling you our identities defeats the purpose of the Alliance, much like digivolving defeats the purpose of Batpig. Besides, those who read the fanfics must be intrigued a little longer before our secret may be revealed. Until then, little ham hock," the girl added, spreading storm-colored wings to the sky and winging off as Kaiser leapt onto another roof. 

**They don't call her Fallen Angel for nothing. **

"Oh, so now you show up, Lia? After all of that? Why weren't you around to give me guidance, huh?" Patamon questioned as he hopped down to his motorcycle, leaving the alien next to a mailbox with proper postage attached, the sticky label addressing it to MIB. 

**Because I had to bring in groceries. **

"You're hiding something. I bet you know the identities of that Alliance."

**Of course I do. I'm just not telling. It spoils it. **

And thus the city was once again saved by the Caped Crusader, the Pork Knight…Batpig. 

~*~

"I've been dying to pull Patamon just so I could write a Batpig fic and put it in here. As you can see, the identities of the Alliance will not be revealed…at least not until the next installment in the Batpig saga. I'm Lia Agianna, and now if you'll excuse me, I have a boat to polish."

The psychotic evil that is Mr. Agianna hauled his daughter's sorry behind out to the garage, where he handed her a bottle of boat polish and a pair of terrycloth rags. 

"Why must my life be so difficult?"

~*~

So while I'm polishing the boat, review and make me happy. Maybe it'll help my fingers stop from being numb. Hey, did anyone else notice Card Captors' new episode was a reheat of the very first one? The one they never aired but showed clips of? What a rip-off! I wanted that angel guy! He's a bishy!!!


	6. Felicity Shadwell's Pointless Adventure

Disasterpiece Theater

Disasterpiece Theater

100% Real Insanity…Guaranteed

Once again, Disasterpiece Theater is being broadcast from the Agianna apartment. Lia's sitting on the couch, with her "Nimoy-Pillow," Sailor Moon and Card Captor Sakura manga, using picture-within-a-picture to watch _Fushigi Yuugi _and _Oh My Goddess _at the same time, while in the middle of writing this Digimon fanfic. 

Multicultural, aren't I?

"Hey everyone, welcome to another weekend at Disasterpiece Theater. I'm your hostess with the anime obsession, Lia. Anyone else notice that the so-called new episodes of Card Captors are reheats of Japanese episodes that weren't entirely shown in the US but clips were shown? Like the Cloud Card episode this weekend was never on, but they showed a clip of it when Mei Lin left. Anyway, here we are in another weekend of crazy fun…especially considering who I pulled for this weekend's Disasterpiece."

There is a puff of blue smoke as everyone's favorite black-and-blue kitten appears on the arm of the couch. 

"Ta da! It's me!"

Lia rolls her eyes. "Yup, I pulled Shadowmon."

~*~

Nicki had gone out for the day, leaving Shadowmon home alone. Well, Shad didn't know that yet. She was still asleep. 

"Mmm, Gomamon swimming in marshmallow fluff…death to Yolei…humiliation of BakaYama…Gomamon in fluff…"

When the cat finally woke up, she was in the house by herself. Her first order of business? Prank call all the Digidestined. Second order? Eat anything and everything in the house that contained sugar. Now on an intense sugar high, the cat ran around the apartment at top speed. 

"I'm running I'm running I'm running I'm running I'm running I'm running I'm running I'm…oof!" the kitten digimon skidded on a throw rug in the kitchen and slammed into the cabinets, knocking pots and pans to the ground and onto her head. 

Just then Shadowmon's pager started beeping incessantly. 

"Ooh!" she cried, using her spiffy psychic powers to float the pots off of her and put them back in the cupboard. Following that, she popped into her APT catsuit and fished her cell phone out of the laundry hamper. 

"Shadwell here. What's your beef? Uh-huh, uh-huh…you're kidding me. You're kidding me! No way! Right, I'll be there ASAP. Shadwell out."

The kitten popped onto the table and turned her owner's laptop on. Then she remembered something. 

"Wait a sec…how am I supposed to get to the Digital World this way? LIA!!!"

**Hello? You're a psychic cat that teleports? Try that. **

"Oh yeah!"

~*~

Shadowmon arrived in the office of Izzy Exposition, head of the agency that was in charge of sending the Austin Powers Trio on their missions. Unfortunately, Izzy was out with Nicki, leaving his young ward in charge. 

"Hi Cody. What's the problem?"

The vertically challenged Digidestined had a hard time seeing over Izzy's desk, but did his best to look professional. 

"You're being sent to Gotham City. Batpig is having a few problems, his sidekicks are on strike until he stops dating their groceries, and that Alliance refuses to deal with it."

"Hmph, for once Lia's little playgroup isn't doing their job. Wow. Wait a second! There's no way I'm working with Patamon! He's stupider than Matt!"

**_Ahem, don't forget, I'm just as omnipotent as Lia. _**

"Eep! Um, Felicity Shadwell, away!"

~*~

Shadowmon arrived in Gotham City moments after escaping the Wrath of Ishida, teleporting onto the roof of the Gotham City Police Headquarters. She found the Caped Crusader lying next to the Batpig Signal, curled up in a fetal position, sobbing. 

"Whoa, Porky, what's the prob?"

"Scary…kitty…evil…kitty…"

Shadowmon rolled her eyes. "Can't you speak a language I can understand? I only speak broken gibberish!"

The Pork Knight sat up, hugged his chubby knees, and started rocking back and forth while sucking a thumb. 

"Well, if you're going to be like this, baby, then I'll have to save this city! Groovy, my own Felicity Shadwell adventure!"

The psychic digimon uncoupled Patamon's utility belt, shook it out, discarded any useless objects (and believe me, that was a majority of objects) and took whatever was left into her own custody. 

Slipping a pair of infrared goggles over her eyes, Shadwell noticed a trail of pawprints and quarters. 

"Quarters? Wait a minute. Quarters…cat…quarters…cat…BINGO! There's only one pussycat that fits that description, and I'll bet my mojo he's after me. Well, at least it's not that cat from _Fushigi Yuugi…_the one with the owner with the gaggy name."

She means Mitsukake. 

Shadowmon followed the pawprint trail to the edge of the building, where it vanished and reappeared across two streets and three buildings down, on top of Gotham City National Bank. The cat flipped her goggles up onto her fuzzy head, pausing for a moment. 

"So this is why Davis loves Tai's goggles so much. These things are comfy!"

She was all ready to teleport across to the bank, but nothing happened. 

"Oops, outta juice. I knew I should've stolen Tai's cheeseburger while I had the chance. Gonna have to do this Batpig style."

Shadwell pulled out one of those grappling hook gun things of Patamon's and fired it at the building across the street, hooking it onto the ledge and swinging over a major highway. While doing so, our heroine started composing her theme song for her own syndicated television series. 

"She's a psychic cat who knows where it's at…Felicity Shadwell! When trouble breaks out everybody will shout for…Felicity Shadwell! She's the secret agent digimon that everybody loves! Felicity Shadwell!" she caterwauled, landing on the bank's rooftop. 

**A/N: I got the idea from an old episode of _Boy Meets World _my sisters had on…when Eric thought he could grow up to be a good-looking crimefighter. **

**_Sounds like Ken in the future. _**

Suddenly quarters rained down out of nowhere, rendering the super-secret secret agent cat immobile. 

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! So, we meet again, Shadowmon."

Shadwell squirmed, trying to wriggle free from the shiny mass of coins. 

"I knew it was you. You were always too stupid to cover your tracks during a heist."

"Yeah, dose were de good ol' days, weren't dey?"

A charcoal gray cat with a shiny gold thing on his forehead and a fairly mangy coat stepped out of the shadows, leering at his captive. Yes, readers, it's (dun-dun-dun) a p***mon!

"Izzy, long time, no see. Mondo teach you Payday?"

"No tanks to you and Nicki! You two left me an' Charlie wit' Mondo and took off for dis second-rate show!"

"Well, duh, I'm not a p***mon! I'm a digimon! And why would you be in my fanfic universe anyway, other than the fact that my author has a sick, twisted imagination?"

"Because I'm taking over dis joint! Dis franchise, Batpig, is an easy take. Once I'm boss here, I'll move on to yer udder stories until I conquer all Digimon fanfiction in de name of Team Rocket!"

"You'll never get away with this!"

"And…I was hoping you'd rule wit' me."

"Yeah right! One, I never liked you. You were loud, annoying, you didn't like the shows I liked, and you kept hitting on Gatomon! Gatomon's like my soul sister!"

**_If you break into "Lady Marmalade" I will hurt you. _**

"And two, I have a boyfriend! A _digimon _boyfriend! Not some lame p***mon like you!"

Izzy, the psychotic genetically altered Meowth Nicki used to own before quitting Team Rocket and becoming a full-time Digidestined, lunged at Shadowmon, claws extended. 

Shadowmon closed her eyes, waiting for the attack. It never came. She found herself flying…in the arms of the Alliance's Fallen Angel. 

"Need a lift?"

"You're that franchise-stealing hussy! Get away from me! You'll take the Austin Powers Trio!"

"Get real. I'm only here to pester Batpig; he annoys me to no avail. So what's going on?" 

Shadowmon sighed. "Old boyfriend from Team Rocket is trying to take over our fanfic universe."

Fallen Angel stopped, midair. "He's going to do WHAT?! There's no way MY fanfics are being invaded!"

Shadowmon blinked. "_Your _fanfics?! Wait a minute…so that's why you showed up without any explanation! And you hang around a nearly all-powerful Mary Sue team of superheroes! I'm going out on a limb here, baby, but I bet you my flea collar you're…"

There was a flash of light as Fallen Angel used a borrowed Men In Black neuralyzer on the cat. 

"What were we talking about?" Shadwell questioned. 

"Izzy the Meowth is trying to take over Gotham City and the fanfic universe."

"Oh, right. Hey, I've been wondering. Just how did _you _get to Gotham City, anyway?"

Fallen Angel shrugged. "It's one of those mysteries in life. I just appeared in this universe as a mention in the end of a Batpig, and now I'm a full-time member. Kinda freaky, huh?"

"Oh. Can I save the day, or are you going to?"

"It's your Disasterpiece," the vigilante stated, letting the cat down onto the roof. Shadowmon blinked. 

"Wait, how did she know that?"

Izzy the Meowth was off counting his millions in the corner, and wondering where to head to next. 

"Hmmm, let's see…Disasterpiece Theater looks like an easy target…but there's always that series the blonde is writing…"

**_Lay off my fanfic!!!_**

Izzy looked around. "I must be hearing things."

"JUDO CHOP!" 

Shadowmon's fuzzy paw connected with Izzy's neck. "OW! THAT HURT!" 

He got to his feet quickly to see a darkened figure standing on the domed skylight of the bank. 

"What in the…?"

"I'm Felicity Shadwell, protector of fanfics and everything groovy! And you're going down, baby!"

"Really? Payday!"

"Psyflare!"

And just as the battle started cooking up, Batpig swung into view. 

"This fanfic isn't funny at all, you know. This is a Shadowmon story, it's supposed to be funny. What's up with you, Shad?"

Shadwell shrugged. "Lia's not wearing her evil flip-flops and hasn't gotten high enough on Japanese candy and anime. Besides, she got all the hyper out with Nicki and Annie last night and had to mow the lawn today. And she's saving all the good stuff for the Austin Powers Trio sequel (coming soon to a fanfic near you)."

The secret agent then slipped on a pile of quarters, flipping backwards, crashing into the skylight, through the skylight, and towards the floor. 

"TRANSPORT ME SOMEWHERE, NOW!!!" 

~*~

Matt was in the bathtub, soaking and trying to relieve himself of a killer migraine, when all of a sudden there was a flash of light and smoke as Shadowmon fell into the tub. She resurfaced, dripping, her infrared goggles cockeyed on her head, and a patch of bubbles on her nose. 

"Get out of my bathtub, NOW!"

Shadowmon looked at him and started laughing. "I…don't…know…why…Lia…likes…you…so…much! You're…pathetically scrawny!"

GET OUT!!! 

~*~

She ported back to Gotham City and tackled Izzy the Meowth, sitting on him and singing every television theme song known to mankind until the police came. When they arrived, Izzy had gone mentally insane as Shadowmon was still singing. 

"Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip that started from this tropic port aboard this tiny ship…"

When Shad finally got back to her own apartment, Nicki was on the couch, watching _SpongeBob. _

"What'd you do today?" she asked. 

Shadowmon shrugged. "Annoyed everyone, saved Gotham City from Izzy your former p***mon, fell into BakaYama's bathtub while he was in it, sang some theme songs, almost found out the secret identity of one of those Alliance people, you know, the usual."

"Oh. That's nice."

Shadowmon looked up at her owner with a sly grin. "Horn Dog told me that BakaYama was talking in his sleep about how much he loved you and how much he wanted you."

"WHAT?!"

"Just kidding."

"SHADOWMON!! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"

Yup, just another day in the life of Shadowmon, International Mon of Mystery. 

~*~

"It probably sucked, I know. But I didn't want to give away any of the plot in the Austin Powers Trio sequel. That's going to be a riot. Besides, I had to mow the lawn yet again and I didn't have too much creative juice flowing today. Maybe next week. Until then, this is Lia Agianna. Have a spiftacular Fourth of July!"

Ken and Izzy magically appeared from offstage. "That's not a word!"

"And you think I care? Who writes this fanfic, me or you?"

"You, but Matt helps."

"Stupid Matt! He will taste my wrath! Ow! Sunburn!" Nicki hollered from backstage. 

~*~

**Reviews, I need them. And some aloe for Nicki. And a ticket out of here.**

Make that two tickets. After that little intrusion… 

**Gomen ne, Yama-kun. *pouts* I have no control over that cat.**

**_That's for sure._**

**_ _**


	7. Davis's Errand

Disasterpiece Theater

Disasterpiece Theater

We write what we want and worry about consequences later.

We're back hosting the show from the Agianna apartment, where Lia is sprawled on the couch, watching a show devoted to ice cream. Her eyes are a bit red and puffy, and she's got dark raccoon rings around them. 

"Hey guys, welcome to another weekend of Disasterpiece Theater. I'm your host, Lia. Sorry I'm looking so miserable, I slept _lousy _last night."

She glances offstage where the rest of the cast is hanging out. 

"Not a word, Nicki. I know how your sick mind works. I had to spend a night with my grandparents…needless to say, it was not enjoyable. Fortunately for me, I have my favorite pint of stupidity right here…not to mention the bishounen waiting on me hand and foot. So, without further ado, I give you the star of this weekend's Disasterpiece. It's everyone's favorite goggle-wearing sweetheart, Davis."

~*~

Jun was about ready to drive her younger brother out of his tree again. 

"Jun! For the love of the goggles, turn that stuff off!"

The big-haired hussy stuck her oversized head into Davis's room, her face plastered with runny mascara as though she had been through a fit of hysteria. 

"Jun? Why are you looking at me like that? You're scaring me."

Her lower lip started quivering. "Davis, I need your help."

The maroon-haired boy was in the process of polishing the Sacred Goggles and dangling a Twizzler two inches from Chibimon's nose when the beckoning screech of the Junbeast interrupted him. 

"Sure I'll recommend a nice mental hospital for ya, Jun!"

The older girl growled. "That's not funny."

"Sure it is! Funny for me!"

Chibimon, hiding under a clean pair of Davis's pajamas, squeaked with laughter. 

Jun sat down on Davis's bed, shoving the hero of our story aside and almost knocking over the bottle of goggle polish. 

"Davis, you're friends with Matt's kid brother, right?"

"Yeah…hey wait, whoa, stop the fanfic. I thought you were over Matt! I thought you liked Joe's older brother now!"

Jun did the lip-quiver thing again. "Nope. He just doesn't kindle my flames like that flaxen-haired angel. Can you help me, Davy? Puh-lease?"

Davis's jaw dropped. "Are you out of your mind?! Do you know what will happen if I even _think _about doing that? Lia and Sora will break me!"

"Who, the redhead and the klutzy brunette?"

"The champion soccer and tennis player and the All-Knowing Author of this fanfic universe!" Davis countered. "I won't help you, Jun, and nothing you can say will make me change my mind so there."

~*~

Five minutes later Davis and Chibimon were on their way to the Takaishi apartment, Davis's precious, sacred goggles in the viselike grip of the Junbeast. 

"She didn't have to take my goggles _and _threaten to squash Ken with her thirteen-inch platforms!" Davis moaned. 

"Well, I bet T.K. can help! He alwaysh comesh up with bright ideash!" Chibimon offered. 

T.K.'s jaw dropped and Patamon nearly keeled over. 

"WHAT?!"

Davis nodded. "She told me that if I don't get Matt to dump _both _girls…

**A/N: Sora and I share the wealth, depending on the fanfic. **

…she's going to burn my goggles and squash Ken under her thirteen-inch platform shoes with the pink fuzzy marabou on them!" 

Patamon flopped onto a nearby beanbag chair, a pint of Cherry Garcia cradled in his lap. 

"You know the day Matt gives up on those two is the day he French kisses Nicki."

Shadowmon popped into the room and whacked the pig upside the head with a large iron fan a la Tasuki. 

"Don't even suggest it, you sick, sick, pig!" she yowled, disappearing. 

Davis did the lip-quiver thingy. "But how do I save my goggles? And Kenny?"

A light bulb went off over Davis's head, signaling an idea. 

"Don't give me those looks, I can too think."

And so Davis took off, Chibimon in tow, aiming to right wrongs and triumph over his sister.

~*~

Fortunately for our heroes, Sora's tennis practice was cancelled on account of chocolate ice cream. 

"Of all the things I've seen, I have never seen an ice cream truck break down and tip over on a tennis court. There must be thirty gallons of ice cream out there!" she sighed, putting her racket away. 

"Sora! Thank the Almighty Goggles I found you!" Davis panted, sliding on a creamsicle and sliding five feet. 

"Davis, what's going on?" the redheaded girl questioned as Chibimon started licking her sneakers. 

"I know Lia has one, but what about you? A plushy Matt?"

Sora's eyes narrowed. "What do you want with my plushy Matt?"

"Jun's on the rampage again. I have to stop her before she destroys my goggles and squishes Ken with big shoes."

"Uh-uh, I'm not giving you my plushy just so Jun leaves Matt alone."

"You'll get it right back, I promise!"

Sora reluctantly pulled the plushy out of her gym bag, kicking Chibimon aside as he continued licking Rocky Road off of her shoes. 

"It better come right back!"

~*~

Ken and Izzy were in the subbasement of Izzy's apartment, working on a particle accelerator and actually getting along. The geniuses were generally locked in a heated rivalry, both vying to be Supreme Egghead of the team. 

"I…need…help!" Davis gasped, bursting in. 

Ken grinned. "Gladly. What's wrong?"

Davis held up the plushy. "Clone it! Clone it fast! Your life is being threatened by big fuzzy shoes!"

Izzy frowned. "Can we clone plushies?" 

Ken shrugged, going into a storeroom for a thick book entitled _Official Loopholes and Plot Devices for a Fanfic Universe_.

"According to this we can…but it's highly frowned upon."

"Please, guys, for the good of mankind and my goggles!"

Izzy grabbed the plushy, walking it over to a big machine type thing that looks like it was purloined from the set of Dexter's Laboratory. He and Ken donned lead vests and instructed Chibimon to get out of their centrifuge. The little blue monster grudgingly hopped off the spinning apparatus. 

Five or six moments later, after hiding in a cardboard box in the next room as instructed by the geniuses, Davis was proudly holding a cloned copy of Sora's plushy, the original being sent back by Ken, who was fearing death by shoe. 

"Now, Chibi, it's on to Matt and we're home free!"

"What makesh you think he'll help out? He might get mad at you for doing all thish inshtead of coming to him in the firsht plache?"

Davis glared at his partner. "Because if I know Matt…which I really don't…he'll be willing to do anything to get my sister off his case."

~*~

"Why?! Why must you be out? Why did you have to have a rehearsal today of all days?" Davis groaned, kicking the door to the Ishida apartment. His luck was running out, and the Doberman three doors down was starting to eye Chibimon suspiciously, as though he looked like a squeaky steak. 

Davis thought that all hope of getting his goggles back (and saving Ken from certain doom) was gone, when he realized that this was his Disasterpiece, and help was only a paragraph away…or an elevator.

"Joe?! Now wait a second, I thought you were going to make Matt show up!" Davis yelled, shaking a fist at wherever the author was perched. 

Oh, you want all the answers handed to you on a silver platter, eh? You get Joe. End of discussion. 

"Hi Davis! What are you and Chibimon doing here?" 

"We were gonna ashk you the shame thing!"

Joe grinned. "Matt and I worked out a deal. I bring his groceries up and put them away, he babysits Gomamon while I'm at work."

"Oh. Can you forge signatures?" Davis questioned.

Joe stared at him oddly. "Wha? Why would I need to forge a signature?"

Davis hurriedly explained the whole traumatic ordeal, holding up the cloned plushy. 

The blue-haired med student sighed and dug around in his ever-present bag for a pen and some paper. Upon finding them, he quickly scribbled something Matt-ish and handed it off. 

"You know you'll have to explain all of this to Matt later."

"Yeah, yeah, thanks Joe! I owe you!"

~*~

After nearly getting run down, chasing Chibimon two blocks (he was following a pretzel vendor), angering the Teenage Thing (from _On the Town, _the girl Pumpkinmon and Gotsumon were pestering), tripping Lia for the thousandth time that week, and rescuing Chibimon from a pack of poodles, Davis made it back to his apartment with the plushy and the paper. 

"Hey Jun! I got you something!" he groaned, collapsing onto the couch. 

The teenage harlot waltzed into the room, eyeing her brother suspiciously. "What?"

Davis held up the plushy and the piece of paper, now slightly soggy from poodle slobber. 

"Hmph. 'Dear Jun, thanks for everything you do. If you need me, call me. Love, Matt.' Ohhhhh!" 

As Jun tossed back Davis's goggles, Chibimon tugged on his owner's shirt hem. 

"What'sh the phone number Joe put on there?"

Davis snickered and whispered to his partner, "It's the phone number for the pound."

Chibimon squeaked hysterically and Davis hugged his goggles. 

"I'm so clever I amaze myself."

~*~

"There you have it, another warped piece of fanfic. I have to come up with better ideas for these, I really do. Well, I survived my first day on the job as a camp councilor, only another twenty-nine to go. I'm Lia Agianna, signing off until the next miserable piece of stupidity."

Davis and Ken run by, hollering black-and-blue bloody murder. Jun chases them with her thirteen-inch shoes with the feathers, threatening to kill them. 

Get me out of here, please. 

**_You?! You almost handed me over to Jun! How could you?_**

**But I didn't. So quit complaining and help me rake in the reviews. **


	8. T.K.'s Evil Twin

Disasterpiece Theater

Disasterpiece Theater

5% Refundable in ME, MA, RI, CT, OH

We're still broadcasting from the Agianna media room, where Lia's sitting in front of her PC. Her younger sister Nicole, fashion maven, is twitching on the pullout couch while the youngest sister, Christy, is in her bedroom caterwauling to O-Town. 

"Welcome to another weekend of Disasterpiece Theater. I'm your exhausted host, Lia. One week of work and I'm already tired…but that's a different fanfic. Today we're giving the magic of the Disasterpiece to…"

Lia takes her plastic hardhat and holds it out in front of her sister. Nicole roots around in the paper slips and yanks one out, handing it to her anime-obsessed older sister. 

"Okay, we've got…T.K.!!"

~*~

T.K., the perpetually cheerful preteen, was lounging around the house. His mother, Petra…I mean, Nancy…was out shopping and Patamon was off fighting crime in the guise of his alter ego, Batpig. So there was really nothing for the squirt to do. Hassling his brother wasn't as enjoyable since it was Nicki's _official _job, and Kari was off doing something Kari-ish. 

Just then the phone rang. 

"Takashi residence, T.K. speaking."

"T.K., honey, it's Mom. I'm stuck in a huge line in Old Navy and it may take a while so if you're not doing anything run down to the store and pick up a few things."

Those "few things" just happened to be half of Nancy's grocery list. But, being the perpetually cheerful preteen he is, T.K. didn't mind at all. 

~*~

On the way to the Inoue's convenience store, which is about as nameless as Matt's band was up until that stupid Super Bowl thing, T.K. happened to notice his reflection in a window. Little did he know that it wasn't his reflection, but his evil twin. So, T.K. was staring at the evil twin, and the evil twin was staring back. 

**Yes, Lost Temple fans, it's Goth T.K.!!! ****Goth T.K. © Claire Ishida @ The Lost Temple of Ishida. This fanfic is the result of reading a doujinshi created by Koani for the Lost Temple. It's hers, I just wanted to borrow the concept. **

Goth T.K. is basically T.K. wearing black, his shirt clearly says "Death" on it, and he sports heavy black makeup. That and he's pure evil. 

So T.K. started waving, and Goth T.K. waved back. T.K. frantically ran around like an idiot, and thus Goth T.K. followed suit. But when T.K. struck a fairly Card Captor pose and Goth T.K. crossed his fingers (the old 'ward off evil' sign), both boys blinked and shrieked. 

"Oh my God! What happened to me?!"

"Ack! Doppelganger!" 

T.K stared at Goth T.K. for a moment. "And how did you get here?"

G.T.K. shrugged. "Warp in the space-time-fanfic continuum."

T.K. held his head in his hands. "Oh man, in another dimension I'm a freak of nature!"

G.T.K. tackled his goody-goody counterpart and the two of them started grappling on the ground. T.K. ended up pinning his gothic foe. 

"Ha-ha, pinned ya."

Goth T.K. smirked. "Oh, so you think I'm beaten, eh? FLUFFY!!!"

~*~

Tai was sitting on the couch, watching Toonami on Cartoon Network, when there was a rustle and a Tokomon popped out of his vast expanse of hair. 

"I'll be back later! Takeru, I'm-a-coming!"

Tai blinked. "Did a Tokomon just come out of my hair or was I dreaming?"

~*~

T.K. scoffed at Goth T.K. and Fluffy, the nearsighted Tokomon with the Tai obsession. "You think that scares me? Think again, makeup boy."

Goth T.K. grabbed the waist of T.K.'s turquoise shorts and dumped Fluffy into them.

A few moments of frantic scrabbling, and T.K. managed to hoist the pink piggish thing out of his briefs. 

"That's…nothing…compared…to…what…Lia…puts…us…through," he panted. 

"YOU DESTROY ME!!!" Goth T.K. shouted, realizing Fluffy had failed in ruining T.K. 

"And what's more, Teekay, I know your weaknesses."

Goth T.K. sweatdropped. "W-weaknesses? I don't have any *gulp* weaknesses."

Our T.K. grinned. "Oh yes, you do. So says Claire, headmistress of the Lost Temple, where you belong."

~*~

Patamon was running down Broadway in Gotham City, dressed in cape and cowl and being chased by a ten-story Oscar Meyer wiener. That was when his official Batpig Cell Phone rang. 

"Batpig here! I'm kind of in the middle of something, so can I call you back?"

"Patamon, it's T.K. My evil twin from one of Lia's regular website haunts has manifested, dumped a Tokomon down my pants, and threatens to draw and quarter me and use my viscera for Christmas decorations. You wanna give me a hand?"

"Umm, I'm sorta being chased by a ten-story hot dog. Can you give me ten min…oh, crap."

The hot dog exploded in a shower of processed meat, all thanks to the Cyclops-style *air quotes* laser vision of the Alliance's Kaiser. 

"STUPID ALLIANCE! I WILL UNMASK YOOOOOU!" Patamon shrieked before going back to his phone call. "I'll be right there, T.K."

~*~

Meanwhile, Davish and Ken were playing foosball in Davis's room, with Veemon and Wormmon engaged in heated mortal combat. 

"No! You let Luigi die _again!" _Wormmon groaned. 

"Hey, he doeshn't desherve the Princhessh anywaysh."

"Davis, phone call!" Jun shouted in her usual nails-on-a-chalkboard shriek. 

Davis took the call and returned to the foosball table. 

"Who called, Dai?" Ken asked. 

"T.I.-double-G.ER. Says something about me needing to help him stop an evil twin with a Tai-obsessed Tokomon."

"Oh. If you're going out, come back with a jar of marshmallow fluff. I have a brilliant idea for later."

Ken winked, sending Davis running out of the room and leaving Veemon and Wormmon confused. 

~*~

Goth T.K. dropped Fluffy down T.K.'s shorts again, and again T.K. managed to fish him out before anyone caught sight of him rummaging around in his pants. 

(Such things are inappropriate!)

"I am the terror that flaps in the night! I am the strawberry Italian ice when you wanted lemon! I am…Patamon!"

"And I'm Davis! So, where's this so-called evil twin, T.B.I.N.G.O.?" 

Goth T.K. turned ashen. "Not that! Not The Patamon! The Patamon destroys me! And Daisuke destroys me! Keep back, panty-thief! Keep your small hair and your panty-stealing self away!" 

T.K. whispered something to Davis and handed him a box. 

"You want a pin, Takeru?"

Goth T.K. screamed and took off back through the time-space-fanfic continuum, with Fluffy in tow. 

"Hurry up, Takeru! I wanna go hang out with Indiana Toko from Cloud's site and be home for my five o'clock Tai glomping!"

T.K. sighed in relief. "Thanks, guys. I'm glad _that's _over with."

Davis nodded. "But it could be worse, man. It could've been all of Matt's alter egos. You know, like Indiana Matt, or Digimon Ka…"

A piano dropped out of nowhere and squashed Davis Looney-Tunes style. He popped out of the middle, spitting out the keys. 

"Lia, why'd you just drop a piano on Davis?" T.K. asked. 

He was about to ruin a franchise for me. Sorry Dais, I still love ya. 

And thus ends T.K.'s malady with his evil twin, Goth T.K. 

~*~

"I'm Lia Agianna, and this has been Disasterpiece Theater reminding you that I'm the one to turn to for insanity. Special thanks going out to Claire, Koani, and Cloud for coming up with their characters, which were unknowingly nicked for this. I put a copyright! Don't get mad at me! I only wanted to borrow them!"

~*~

Send me a review or have an enraged, nearsighted, Tai-obsessed Tokomon shoved down your pants. 

_Concise, Lia, very concise. _

_ _


	9. Scooby Dooby Gabu

Disasterpiece Theater

Disasterpiece Theater

Guards against UVA and UVB rays.

Once again, we're broadcasting from Lia's apartment, where the author is sitting in radioactive splendor. Her knees, ears, shoulders, and chest are glowing…no, not Queen Kari glowing. Sunburn glowing. About as red as the camisole tank top she's got on. 

"Hey everyone! Welcome to another edition of random stupidity at Disasterpiece Theater. I would've gotten this out sooner, but I was babysitting Friday night until one, we went to the beach Saturday until two, I mowed the lawn and watched Card Captors and Mon Colle Knights (which I taped), babysat _again, _and went to the beach again today. So that was my weekend. Hey, did anyone else notice all the Digimon voice actors in Mon Colle Knights? The big-haired Taichi wannabe was played by Veemon/Chibimon/Ken, the green-haired girl was played by Koromon, the psychotic professor was I believe Oikawa, the bad guy sounded vaguely like Piedmon, one of the extras was Agumon, another sounded like Mimi or Tokomon, I couldn't tell, and one of the fishy people was…*snicker* Cody!!!"

Cody growls from offstage. "Not funny."

"And one of the prince guy's lackeys, well, she looked like Yolei and was about as intelligent as her."

Nicki holds up a sign from offstage, reading, "Yeah, about as smart as week-old mackerel."

Yolei hits her with a paper fan. 

"So anyway, today's Disasterpiece is a tour de force of inane pleasure for I have selected…Gabumon!"

~*~

Gabumon sat in Matt's closet, holding a flashlight between his teeth and staring at the blueprints laid out before him. He absently swiped the sleeve of one of his partner's many black sweaters, muttering to himself. 

"Let's see…if I place the dynamite here, it _should _be enough to blast a hole through the freezers. I'll have about three minutes to get in, grab the goods, and get out. I can take only the important ones. Best to leave the usual vanilla-chocolate-strawberry behind. Maybe I can plan it perfectly and blow it up right between the Maine black bear and the triple fudge ripple."

But his planning was interrupted when the blonde bishounen swung the doors wide open. 

"Do you mind telling me why you're in my closet, Gabumon?"

The dog-lizard thing snapped off his flashlight and rolled his plans up quickly. 

"No reason. No reason at all, Matt. Just sitting in here, making sure the moths don't attack your good dress shirt."

Matt scowled. "Moths eat _wool, _my good dress shirt is _cotton. _What are you doing?"

Gabumon clutched his plans close, but Matt managed to pry them from his grip. 

"These are the blueprints for the TCBY around the corner. You weren't planning on doing anything like, oh, I don't know, _blowing it up _now were you?"

Gabumon sweatdropped. "Heheh, of course not, Matt. You know I'd never do that, right? Maybe we should have a little lecture on trust. You see, trust is like sticking your hand into a subzero freezer…"

"Gabumon, we don't have time for this. We're going to be late."

"Eh? Late for what?"

Matt hauled the digital monster out of the closet, and Gabumon nearly had a heart attack. His companion, usually bedecked in somber tones, was wearing a white shirt, lurid blue bellbottoms, and an orange ascot. 

"We promised the CEO at Cartoon Network that we'd fill in for the Scooby Doo cast while they were stuck in that blizzard in Green Bay."

Gabumon blinked a couple times before bursting into hysterical fits of laughter. 

"You…and…you…with that…and…"

Matt fastened a dog collar around Gabumon's neck while the digimon was incapacitated by his chortling. 

"Let's go, Scooby."

Gabumon stopped cold. "Whoa, wait a minute. What did you just call me?"

"You're the closest thing to a dog. You're Scooby Doo."

"For the love of Weregarurumon, no!"

"It's either that or we spend the fanfic running around Gotham City with T.K. and Patamon."

"Curse you, Teenage Wolf. Curse you." 

~*~

Gabumon sat miserably in the back of the Mystery Machine, on loan from the CEO's at Cartoon Network. Sora rode shotgun beside Matt, looking very Daphne in her purple-and-green dress thing. Kari was wiping down the fake glasses she would need as Velma, and T.K. was pouting. Yes, our boy T.K. is our Shaggy. 

"This bites. It really, really, really, really bites," the usually chipper blonde grumbled. 

"You know, I had plans today," Gabumon stated. "I was going to blow up an ice cream store! Matt, why must you ruin my plans?! May the Junbeast infest your soul!"

Of course, Matt wasn't listening. 

"All right, all we have to do is the usual Scooby Doo business of solving a hokey ghost mystery and then we'll get paid. Remind me again why we're doing this, Sora?"

The redhead smiled. "Because nobody uses our voice actors in the other cheap anime shows FOX produces."

"Oh. Right."

"Jinkies, do you think we'll be able to figure this out?" Kari asked. 

Gabumon grabbed the twelve-year-old by the collar and glared at her. "If you say 'jinkies' at all through the length of my Disasterpiece I will tear you limb from limb. Got it?"

Well, the faux Scooby cast pulled up to an old mansion out in the boondocks of cheap 70's animation. A scruffy-looking caretaker leaned on his shovel and glared warily at them as they piled out of their brightly colored van. 

Mimi came flying out of the mansion, dressed in a peach-colored southern belle style dress. She winked at the camera. 

"When they said all the Scooby Doo cast, they meant _all _the Scooby Doo cast," she giggled. "I got Joe to put on some stage makeup and be our scruffy caretaker, see?"

The camera panned towards the caretaker, where Gomamon popped out of his flannel shirt. 

"When can we stop? I'm tired of doing this!"

Gabumon and T.K. stood glumly by as Matt, Sora, and Kari did their thing as the chipper Freddie, Daphne and Velma. 

"Welcome, y'all, I'm Miss Mimi Lamoure, and this here's my ice cream plantation."

Gabumon perked up immediately. "Ice cream plantation?"

Izzy glowered from elsewhere, where the unnecessary cast members were. "Hmph. There's no such thing as an ice cream plantation."

Mimi clasped her gloved hands together. "Y'all gotta help me, I'm being troubled by a most vexsome spirit and it's scaring my cows!"

A/N: A thousand apologies to my Southern readers (like Gracie), but if you've ever seen Scooby Doo, you know this is how they talk. 

"Like, what kind of spirit?" T.K. asked in a nasal Casey Kasem voice. 

"The ghost of the first plantation owner, my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great…" Mimi took a breath. "Great-great granddaddy!"

"Well don't you worry, Ma'am," Matt said, kissing the back of Mimi's hand with his usual bishounen courtesy (and _not _for Mimato purposes…that's why Sora plays Daphne!)."The Scooby Gabu detective agency is on the case. Right Scooby?"

Gabumon folded his arms across his chest. "Like heck I'm gonna. Me 'n T.K. are going to sit in the kitchen and eat ice cream until either this whole thing is over or we throw up…whichever comes first."

~*~

Yup, that's what our horn dog hero and his Gilligan buddy did. Sat in the kitchen and ate ice cream while the others gathered their clues and interrogated their suspects. Halfway through his third pint of pecan-caramel swirl, T.K glanced up towards one of the large dairy freezers and dropped the ladle he was using as a spoon. 

"Zoinks! A g-g-g-g-ghost!"

Gabumon rolled his eyes and looked up at where T.K. was pointing. A floating apparition resembling Colonel Sanders was wiggling his fingers and moaning at them in hokey Scooby Doo fashion. 

"Throw me a bone here," the digimon sighed. "Blue blaster!"

The attack passed through the ghost, bounced off the freezer, hit a projector stowed in a pantry, and zapped a figure dressed in a costume identical to the ghost, who promptly vanished. 

Kari came running in, hearing the commotion from outside. She adjusted her gigantic fake glasses, brushed off her ugly orange sweater, and stared at the carnage. 

"Jin…" Gabumon glared at the perky Child of Light. 

"What did I say about that word?"

"Sorry. Gee, you guys caught the ghost. Matt, Sora! T.K and Scooby caught the ghost!"

The others, along with Mimi, came running into the kitchen. 

"What? But we just got here! How did they…?" Matt sputtered. 

Gabumon smirked. "It's _my _Disasterpiece. I call the shots, Lia types. I wanted to go faster, she let me do it. I love being the digimon of the boyfriend of the almighty author."

"So who's the one scaring Mimi's cows so they won't be milked and her ice cream business is ruined?" Sora asked. 

"The creepy caretaker," Kari guessed. 

"Um…that guy from the rival ice cream store," Sora suggested. 

"Nicki and Shadowmon!" Matt added. The others stared at him. "What? This is the kind of stupid thing they would do!"

Shadowmon popped into the fanfic, hit Matt upside the head with a paper fan, and popped out again. 

T.K. trudged over and pulled the mask off of the so-called ghost. Yolei glared back at them. 

"Yolei?!" everyone gasped. 

Mimi tapped the palm of her hand with a wooden spoon. "I should've known. You've always been jealous of me, Yolei, and as the daughter of the owner of the rival ice cream store, it's jest like you to try and steal my formula for triple-chocolate-caramel-crunch!"

"But how did she do it?" Gabumon asked. 

"Easy," Kari stated. "She blackmailed Ken until he built her the equipment she needed and had Hawkmon help her smuggle it in at night, while Mimi was busy taking off her makeup…a task that takes longer than Tai gelling his hair. She used this projector to take the image of herself and project it wherever she wanted. But what I want to know is who that creepy caretaker is."

Joe yanked off his disguise and stood there in a ranger's uniform. "I'm with the county sheriff's department. You're going downtown with me, young lady."

"I would've gotten away with all of it, if it weren't for you meddling kids and your lizard-dog thing with the horn!"

~*~

T.K. and Gabumon were sitting in the back of the Mystery Machine again as the gang drove back over the border to FOX. Gabumon was inhaling ice cream, pulling it out of the fifty or so coolers stowed with them in the back. 

"Jeez, Mimi didn't have to give us _all _of this ice cream," Matt sighed. 

"Yes she did!" Gabumon crowed. "Now I won't have to blow up that TCBY…at least, not for another week."

Sora turned around in her seat. "You have to say it now, Gabumon."

The digimon glanced up from his gorging. "Say what?"

"You know what."

Gabumon sweatdropped. "Do I have to?"

"Yes," Matt growled. 

"And if he doesn't?" T.K. asked. 

His elder brother had a smoldering look in his eyes. "I drop Gabumon off at the Kamiya house for a month of Tai and Kari's mom's cooking. Tofu, soybeans, and absolutely no ice cream. Isn't that right, Kari?"

The glowworm of a girl nodded. 

Gabumon's eyes widened in fear. "You wouldn't! You couldn't!"

"We have to go there anyways to drop Kari off. I'm sure Agumon and Gatomon wouldn't mind living at my place for a while."

"You win! You win!" Gabumon cried. Of course, he was thinking of ways he could strike revenge on his human partner. _Maybe a little shoe polish in his conditioner._

"Scooby Dooby DOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

~*~

Lia leans back in her chair, rubbing her collarbone. "That concludes another bizarre episode of Disasterpiece Theater. I don't know what happened with that one. Too many ideas at once. I got the Scooby Doo idea from watching it while babysitting, cuz Matt and Sora vaguely resemble Fred and Daphne. Anyway, before I go, I thought I'd hand the fanfic over to Patamon, who has a very important announcement."

The camera pans over to the pig-bat, who's in the process of glomping a can of Pringles. 

"Oh, I'm on?! *ahem* Well, I'm here to announce, because Lia's a moron and has no sense of time or finishing fanfics in short amounts of time, a contest we here at Kawaii Li'l Lia Fanfiction Works are running. As you might not know, August the 18th is the one-year anniversary of the creation of Batpig, my fabulous alter ego. So you writers out there have until that day to write a little adventure starring me, Batpig Girl, the Dead Wonder and definitely not the Alliance…unless you're absolutely positive you know their secret identities and in that case you better answer to me or I'll break your hip. Anyway, so the winner(s) of the Batpig Fanfic Contest will be featured in my big one-year anniversary special and will receive a special doodly thing from Lia."

Veemon holds up a sign with all the fine print, which says plainly, "No rules, just write." 

The camera pans back to Lia. "I'm posting a Batpig eventually that states all of this, but I've barely written any of it and I wanted to get it to the public before time runs out. So like our Caped Crusader said, write a Batpig Adventure to your own discrepancy and have it posted on or before August 18th! Until the next Disasterpiece, I'm your host, Lia! GET ME SOME ALOE!!"

~*~

**_You heard the girl, get the aloe, get the reviews in, and get writing. _**

**You're cooperating with me?!**

**_Anything to get myself out of these hideous bellbottoms. _**

**Zoinks and jinkies. **


	10. Taichi and the Tokos

Disasterpiece Theater

Disasterpiece Theater

We're sugar high and raring to go!

We're back at the Agianna apartment…are we seeing a trend here? Lia is wearing her usual cotton tee and shorts, no shoes, the accursed flip-flops on the floor next to the couch. 

"Hi guys. I'm sorry I'm not perkier…I'm just coming off a sugar high and I was up until two AM last night babysitting the rich kid again. Welcome to another weekend of Disasterpiece Theater. I'm Lia Agianna and this weekend our story has less thrills than the Card Captor miniseries thing but just as bishounen. Speaking of Card Captors…Kero when he's not little squishy yellow guy is Golem from Monster Rancher! The voices! The voices! Davis was our fic monkey not too long ago, and now we have his fabulous mentor, Taichi. So yes, the big-haired one gets his story."

~*~

Kari leaned over the top bunk, Gatomon next to her. Tai was snoring, _again, _and the vibrations were rattling the bed. 

"Tai! Tai, you're snoring! Ta-ai!"

Gatomon handed her a yardstick and Kari proceeded to poke him. Tai woke up instantly. 

"Touch not the Taichi if you want to live to see tomorrow."

"We're all going to the Digital World to do a little more clean up. You coming?"

Tai shrugged. "Eh, why not? I haven't hassled Matt recently, I think I'm due."

Gatomon sniffed the air. "I smell something."

"Breakfast?" Kari suggested. "Tai's gym socks from September?"

"No, it smells like…fuzz."

Tai got up to check on his hair, his pride and joy, and lo and behold as he was running a comb through it (an impossible task, I know) out popped a Tokomon!

"You look like Tai!" the fuzzy pink pig thing squeaked, squinting at our big-haired hero. "You are Tai!" And the fuzzball started glomping Tai's leg. 

"There was a Tokomon in my hair?" Tai questioned. 

"Tai, God only knows what's in your hair," Kari sighed, calling dibs on the shower first. 

The Tokomon followed Tai around all morning, agitating Gatomon and quite frankly pissing Tai and Agumon off. 

"Barbecue the thing, Agumon, and be done with it!" 

"I can't, Tai! It's too darn cute! Besides, what if it's T.K.'s Tokomon?"

"He's not T.K.," the Tokomon said. "He's Takeru, Lord of All Evil."

"Great," Tai groaned. "It's Fluffy from the Lost Temple."

**Fluffy and Goth T.K. © Claire and the Lost Temple of Ishida. I'd put the URL but they just changed it so I haven't memorized it yet. Gomen! ^_^ **

~*~

"Tai, what _is _that thing following you around?" Matt pointed to the pink wad of bellybutton lint still glomping Tai's ankle. 

"A Tokomon that popped out of my hair," he sighed. "You know I'm blaming all of this on your girlfriend, right?"

"Which one?"

Tai blinked. So did Fluffy. "Whaddya mean 'which one?' You only have _one _girlfriend, right?"

"It depends on the fanfic," Mimi said because she's here because I say she's here. 

"Yup," Izzy stated, showing the whole thing on a computer program. "Lia and Sora trade off to appease the audience. Nine out of ten times, if the genre says romance, Sora's the flavor of the fic. Prodigious little compromise, don't you think?"

Tai shrugged and started walking off. "I'm going to l-o-s-e- the T-o-k-o-m-o-n," he whispered. The others nodded. 

**They're already in the Digital World. I thought I'd skip ahead. **

****But no sooner did Tai take like three steps towards the nearest cliff he could throw Fluffy off of; another Tokomon popped out of his hair and started glomping the other ankle. This Toko sported a fedora and a whip. 

"Indiana Toko from Cloud Ishida's Digimon Kaiser Yamato!" he introduced himself. 

Indy and Kaiser Matt © Cloud Ishida [**www.geocities.com/digikaiyama**][1]

"Two?! I have two Tokomon in my hair?!" Tai groaned. 

"We luv you Taichi!" they cooed. 

_How the heck am I going to rid myself of these two? _Tai thought. 

He kept walking, and every so often another Tokomon would pop out of his hair and start glomping him. The pink gerbils just kept coming, like those cheesy clown car acts. 

~*~

Half an hour later, while the other Digidestined were doing…Digidestined things…

Namely fighting with each other, kissing, more fighting, name-calling, reading trashy manga, discussing the wonders of anime, fighting. 

**Maybe that's what _you _do, Ishida. _I _write the fanfic. **

…Tai was still herding his hoard of Tai-crazed Tokomon towards a cliff…hopefully. 

"Why are you all in my hair?" he asked the fifty someodd Tokomon clinging to him. 

"Because we love it! It's so big and pretty!" they chimed in unison. 

"Yeah? Well Davis has fairly large hair, why…"

"IT'S NOT BIG! IT'S LITTLE AND UNCOMFORTABLE AND YOU CAN'T FIT ANYMORE THAN 7 TOKOS IN IT!" they howled.

Another half dozen Tokomon sprang from Tai's hair. He sweatdropped. 

"Now I can see why the execs decided to hack off my hair in the end of season two."

~*~

Getting fed up with the Tokomon, which seemed to be multiplying faster than a pair of rabbits on Viagra, Tai decided he'd get an expert to assist him in Tokomon eradication. Pulling out the ol' D-terminal, he sent a short message to yours truly, who poked her do-nothing digimon and threatened him to spring into action or no Harry Potter. 

"Whaddya need?" Wizardmon asked lazily, floating over Tai. 

"GET RID OF THESE TOKOMON!" he moaned. 

There were a good couple thousand now, and they were swarming Tai. 

Wizardmon pulled out a thick book and started thumbing through it. 

"Wuzzat?"

"If you must know, it's the Encyclopedia Digimonica…Gennai gave it to everyone for Christmas along with fruitcake. Both I use to prop up my end tables in my study. Hmm, it says Tokomon are rather stupid and near-sighted. They have a fixation on stupid things, and can't always tell the difference between that which they are fixated on and other stupid things. I'll open up a dimensional portal and we'll use random anime characters to lead those wads of dryer lint away. Gimme a minute."

Using the utmost concentration (actually, he was daydreaming about Hermione again), Wizardmon opened several portals to other networks and pulled out a couple dozen Tai-resembling figures. 

Tai grinned. "That's great, Wizardmon! You're the best!"

"I know. You'll get my bill in the mail."

The Tokomon looked up, and suddenly there was big hair everywhere!

Goku and Vegeta were shipped in from DBZ, and neither of them looked all that enthralled to be not fighting for once. 

Mondo of the Mon Colle Knights was there, band-aid and all.

As was Flint, everyone's favorite prehistoric half-pint with the Gomamon voice.

"And there's a whole bunch of other me-ish guys from anime shows we've never even heard of, too!" Tai cried happily. 

The Tokomon became confused, wandering aimlessly between characters. 

Tai made a run for it, back towards the rest of the group. Meanwhile, the Tokomon were trying to glomp the other characters. 

"You look like Tai! But…you're not Tai."

Now, they kept trying anyways because these guys were as close to Tai looking as we come. They actually get Tai confused with everyone from Matt to a random Marxist to Chibiusa to Quatre. 

**So sayeth the Tokosseum's guide to Tai-spotting…another URL I need to write down. It's somewhere. **

~*~

Tai hurried back to join up with the others, ecstatic that he had outwitted the Tokomon. But when he realized where the others had been working all day, he fell over and started twitching worse than the sixteen-year-old Jack Russell terrier I was pet-sitting along with my usual babysitting charge, Ralph. 

The gang was helping out at a subsection of Primary Village, where a colony of Tokomon lived. 

"You look like Tai! You _are _Tai!" they squealed. 

"GET ME OUTTA HERE!"

~*~

"That wraps up another inane episode of Disasterpiece Theater. I dunno what possessed me to write this. I was hoping I'd get Matt this weekend. Oh well. Join me again next weekend when I bring back more stupidity. So keep it here."

"And don't let them forget about my contest!" Patamon shouts from offstage. 

Boss Reo randomly walks by with a cup of coffee and a couple pieces of candy. 

Lia jumps out of her cushy computer chair and runs after the author. 

"Get back here! That's my candy! I got it from _my _six-year-old cousin! Reo!"

~*~

Send reviews. 

**_Send Tai some Tokomon! Please? A big box of Tokomon to freak him out!_**

   [1]: http://www.geocities.com/digikaiyama



	11. Adventures in Ken-Sitting

Disasterpiece Theater

Disasterpiece Theater

It is NOT "the most wonderful time of the year!"

Yes, we're at the Agianna apartment again. Yes, Lia is sitting in her computer chair in a tank top and shorts. Yes, the accursed flip-flops are somewhere nearby. 

"And yes, I have to babysit tonight. Hello, and welcome to yet another weekend at Disasterpiece Theater. I'm your host, Lia. I've got a fresh batch of stupidity boiling for you; so let's get cooking. Um, don't forget about the Batpig Fanfic thingy. I know ff.net crashed and stuff, but you should still be writing here, people! Anyway, so now I've pulled from my hat…Kenny!"

~*~

Ken was just heading out of the library, hampered down by a big ol' stack of books (really thick ones that not even the authors understand), when he happened to notice a large flyer printed on day-glo orange paper. 

"Babysitter wanted," he read. "Desperate mother seeks experienced sitter for nine-year-old daughter. Preferably _female." _

And then there were a bunch of paper slips at the bottom with the phone number attached. 

"Drat. I could really use the money, and I don't mind babysitting, but this 'preferably female' part has me thrown for a loop."

It was then that Ken got his brilliant idea. Yes, he often has brilliant ideas, I'm well aware of it. 

"Maybe I can pull it off. It worked for Nuriko for at least three episodes of _Fushigi Yuugi."_

~*~

Wormmon watched in confusion as Ken dropped his books, grabbed a wallet, and headed for the door. 

"Hey Ken, what are you doing?"

"Nothing, Wormmon. I'm going out for a little while and then I have to call someone about a babysitting job."

"Oh. Davis called earlier, he wanted to know if you guys could get together over the weekend while Jun was sent off to their uncle's house in Sapporo."

"I'll call him back later. Thanks."

"And Ken?"

The blue-haired bishounen glanced back at his caterpillar companion. 

"If you're trying some sort of harebrained scheme that involves pantyhose, ask one of the girls for help. Please?"

Ken nodded and took off. 

~*~

After consultations with girly fashion magazines, and our resident fashion mavens (Mimi, Sora, my sister Nicole), Ken pulled together a little ensemble he thought worthy for an afternoon of babysitting. Fortunately when he called the job was still available. Under the guise of "Kiree Ichijouji," he managed to land a Friday afternoon job watching little Ami. Wormmon watched as his partner did a little victory dance around the room. 

"Yeah, now can you make it so this girl doesn't find out you're in drag?"

"You'll see, Wormmon. I'll be so girl not even my own mother will recognize me. Fortunately Ami doesn't live too far from here so I can walk and my parents won't have to ask questions. They don't even know about me yet."

"You're going to tell them, right?"

"When I'm a little older. They're still pretty shaken up regarding the whole Digital World thing."

And they left it at that, Ken going off to try shades of lip-gloss. (Turns out he's a raspberries-and-crème.)

Wormmon scuttled over to inspect the outfit of choice. "Pink, huh? It'll look good."

"Yeah, Mimi (visiting from the USA), Sora, and Lia thought so."

~*~

Several nights later, after much preparation and such, Ken was about as ready as a twelve-year-old boy dressed in girl's clothing can get. His parents had gone off to a wake for a friend of the family, leaving the Digidestined and his partner home alone before the big babysitting job. 

"Wormmon, do these pants make me look too hippy?"

"Nah, just put the belt on and you'll be fine."

"Ow! I think I nicked myself shaving."

"Face?"

"Legs."

Wormmon shook his head, his antenna bobbing. "Good thing Armadillomon isn't here to witness this. He'd pass out. Now don't forget, if you need me, call me. And have fun, okay?"

"I'll do that, Wormmon."

~*~

And so, bedecked in a pink-and-baby blue softball tee, pink jeans, and sporty sandals, Ken…I mean, Kiree…headed off to babysit a wonderful little nine-year-old girl. 

"I WANT ICE CREAM, AND I WANT IT NOW!"

"Ami, sweetie, Mommy has to talk to the babysitter. Then you can have ice cream."

Don't you hate parents who let their kids have whatever they want and just give in? I was never brought up that way, and it's probably a good thing I wasn't! 

Mrs. Tashimodo handed Ken a piece of paper. "This is my cell phone number, my sister's number, and the number of our family physician, just in case. Ami should go to bed around eight-thirty, don't let her eat too much candy or watch too much TV. If you two get bored, the building has a swimming pool on the twelfth floor, you two can go play in it…shoot, I forgot to ask you to bring a bathing suit! I'm not sure when I'll be home, this is my first date in a long time…my husband and I divorced when Ami was three. Okay? Good night, Ami. Mommy knows you'll be very good for Kiree."

As soon as the door closed behind the woman, Ken knew he was trapped with this devilish little delinquent. 

"Your last name is Ichijouji, huh?" she asked. "Are you related to Ken Ichijouji, the genius?"

"We're cousins," Ken stated calmly. 

"Are you as smart as he is?"

"I'm not sure. I haven't asked him or anything."

"Can I have some ice cream?"

"Have you had your supper yet?"

"No."

"Then no."

Ami's face turned bright red as she clenched her fists and began an unearthly shriek. 

"I WANT ICE CREAM! IT'S NOT FAIR!"

Ken panicked. Rampaging digimon he could handle. Temper tantrums he couldn't. 

"Um…Ami, why don't you show me your room? Maybe we can play something."

Ami grinned, coming out of her tantrum. "Do you like Digimon? And P***mon?"

"Yeah, they're cool…especially Digimon."

"What about Sailor Moon? And Card Captor Sakura?"

"Yup."

"They're my favorites!" Ami squealed. 

_I'm in the clear, _Ken thought as he headed off to the child's room. 

"Who's your favorite Sailor Scout?" Ken asked as the girl opened the door to a pink-and-purple pony bedecked bedroom. 

"Sailor Moon! How about you?"

"Hmm, it's a toss-up between Sailor Mercury and Sailor Neptune."

Ami blinked. "But Sailor Neptune is a lesbian."

Ken sweatdropped. "But she's so pretty! And she's brave and smart!"

"But she likes Sailor Uranus."

"Yeah, and?"

"And that's creepy!"

_Homophobe. _

~*~

Ken entertained Ami for a good hour, doing his best to sound like…well, like me. Confused? He's acting like I do when I babysit: a fifteen-year-old with a sick obsession with anime. 

"Who's your favorite guy anime person, Kiree?"

"Davis from Digimon."

"Wha? He's a loser! Matt and Tai are way better!"

_I'll have to tell them that and inflate their egos some more. _

"Davis isn't a loser! He's cute! I'd love to go on a date with him."

_Too bad I already have. Several times. _

"Can we go swimming?"

Ken panicked yet again, biting his lip and tasting raspberries and crème. "I…I don't have a bathing suit."

"And how old are you?"

"Twelve…thirteen in a few months."

"Perfect! I have a thirteen-year-old sister and she lives with us every now and then and she left a couple bathing suits here!"

And now our little bishy was freaking out beyond all mortal comprehension. 

"But…I can't go swimming."

"Why not?"

And Ken gave Ami the best explanation under such pressure. *ahem* 

"Let's just say it's not the best time for me to go swimming, Ami."

"Oh-ho-ho. Mom gave me one of those puberty books like that. Can't you use one of those thingies?"

"Um…I…uh…no."

"Oh. Then I'll go swimming and you can watch!"

_Note to self: Come up with better excuses next time I babysit in drag. _

~*~

"I WANT PIZZA FOR SUPPER!"

"But it takes half an hour to cook and it's almost your bedtime!"

"I DON'T CARE! I WANT PIZZA!"

"Can't you just eat the sandwich? I made it extra special. Matt and Tai would eat it."

"Really?"

"Yes, Ami. And so would Sailor Moon."

The girl reluctantly ate her sandwich, glaring malevolently at Ken the whole time. 

"Okay, Ami, let's get your pajamas on."

"I DON'T WANNA GO TO BED!"

"But Ami, you're exhausted! You practically slept through Outlaw Star!" 

"I DON'T WANNA! I WANT MOMMY!"

"Mommy will be home soon, I promise!"

After a wrestling match with the girl to brush her teeth, Ken finally got her to sleep. Of course, she wouldn't sleep in her own bed. That would be too easy. She had to sleep on the couch…leaving the floor for Ken. 

~*~

The mother came home around midnight to find her daughter asleep on the couch and the sitter sprawled across the floor. 

"Kiree…Kiree…"

Ken woke with a start, sitting up and rubbing his eyes. "Hmm? Kiree?"

"Yes, that's you dear. Are you ready to go?"

It took our boy a moment to remember he was supposed to be a girl. "Um, yeah."

The woman handed him (the yen equivalent to) fifty bucks and opened the door. 

"I'll call again soon, dear."

Ken nodded and headed out the door. Mrs. Tashimodo watched him go down the steps towards his apartment and was just about to close the door when Davis conveniently came down the sidewalk. 

"Hey Ken! Dude, I love the outfit! Did you dress up like a girl just for me?"

Mrs. Tashimodo blinked. Ken sweatdropped. 

"Um, good night! And thank you!" Ken shouted, grabbing Davis and _running. _

~*~

"And that's another farfetched tale from Disasterpiece Theater. Although, I could see Ken babysitting in drag. Until next time, I'm Lia. Keep cool, and popular girls suck. Now if you'll excuse me, my bishounen mercenary squadron is ready to beat the snot out of some nasty little fourth-graders." 

~*~

**Popular girls made my sister cry!**

**_Send reviews, it'll make her feel better…well, actually it probably won't but do it anyways because I am Yamato and you will obey me!_**

**Oh dear. The heat's gotten to him. And the mint chip ice cream. **


	12. Wizardmon and...Harry Potter?!

Disasterpiece Theater

Disasterpiece Theater

Glomping Yamato since…um…eighth grade maybe?!

Yes, once again, we're live from the Agianna apartment, home of one anime-crazed nearly sixteen-year-old teenage girl…that's me! Anyway, among Lia's usual collection of anime goodies we are now adding a few new treats! 

"Hey everybody! Welcome to another weekend at Disasterpiece Theater! I'm your host, Lia. I've been on an anime spree this week, so I'm all hyped up. I have my very own copy of _Princess Mononoke _now and I love it! Unfortunately, I lent that to Nicki. But it's cool, cuz she let me borrow a _Dragonball Z _tape of hers, and my pal Annie loaned out a few dubbed tapes of _Magic Knight Rayearth, _to go with the manga I bought of it. I now have a sick obsession for Mage Clef."

Matt stands by the camera, glowering as only he can do. "Hmph. I'm supposed to be the one she fawns over, not that midget."

Lia grins. "But of course, Matt's still my number one bishy! Okay, let's see…we need a character…um…ah! Today's victim is…Wizardmon?! Oh, fabulous. Wizardmon. Of all the characters I had to pull Wizardmon."

~*~

A large roll of masking tape and a pair of kitchen scissors were MIA in the Agianna house. Lia blamed her sisters, her sisters blamed Lia, and her parents were just plain miffed. Of course, it didn't take long to figure out who the culprit was. Lia had gone into her closet to hang up her new fall wardrobe (mm, sweater-ish things) and found Wizardmon with said office supplies, posting pictures on the closet wall. Such pictures consisted of Clef, Chichiri of _Fushigi Yuugi, _Clow Reed, a few others unnamable at this time, and most importantly, Harry Potter. 

"Wizardmon, what are you doing?"

He quickly hid the scissors behind his back. "Um, nothing, really. Just hanging a few posters. You know, of my idols. Like those ridiculous web site shrines you go to daily."

The dark-haired girl examined the posters…well, more like squinted at them. My closet is too freaking dark. 

"Mage Clef, Chichiri, Clow Reed, some other guys, and Harry Potter."

Wizardmon scowled. "Well, you won't let me go to Hogwarts!"

"You're a digimon, they're real wizards. Don't you think there might be a little problem? Don't let my mom catch you sticking those up. I have to go unload the dishwasher."

_I _will _get to Hogwarts, you'll see…foolish mortal child. _

~*~

That night, the first cool one in a week (which meant my sisters didn't have to sleep in my room cuz I have the AC), Wizardmon pulled out his secret stash of spell-casting equipment and proceeded to draw pentagrams and other such runes on the wall. 

"Heheh, Hogwarts, here I come!"

And in a flash of light, the vertically challenged sorcerer transported himself to the English countryside, where the acclaimed school for wizardry was located.

~*~

Meanwhile, elsewhere on the Hogwarts campus, Harry Potter…

**_You knew he was going to show up, right?_**

**Matt, get out of my fanfic. And quit moping because I have a Clef obsession. **

…was doing his usual Quidditch practice, with Ron and Hermione watching. The Weasley twins, Fred and George, were also practicing…practicing hitting anything that came in sight with their Bludgers. Pig, Ron's minute owl, whizzed around the goal posts, hooting with excitement. It was just then that an oddly dressed wizard fell onto the field. 

"Blimey, whuzzat?" Ron questioned. Harry expertly descended, executing a perfect three-point-landing. 

"Hallo, are you quite all right?" he asked, poking Wizardmon with the end of his broomstick. 

"Damn reentry. I'm going to have to get that fixed one of these days. Ugh. Where am I?"

"Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I'm Harry Potter!" 

Wizardmon's eyes bugged out of his head. "H-h-Harry Potter?" 

"I guess you've heard of me. Funny, I've never seen you here before. Are you new?"

"Sort of. Actually, I'm a digital monster from a Japanese animated kids' show who's escaped from the annoying teenage girl I'm supposed to be guardian to in hopes that I could train here for a little while and improve my magical skills."

"What did he just say?" Ron asked as he and Hermione came onto the field. 

"He's one of those bloody p***mon things," Hermione stated. 

"Eh? I think not! I am one hundred percent digimon!"

Fred nudged George, who both also came down, hoping to get in the good graces of this new student, who would probably be useful in their mischievous escapades.

"Say, isn't that the show Ginny keeps talking about?"

"Yeah, she's got a thing for that blonde with the bloody lizard-dog."

Wizardmon groaned. "Must everyone have a crush on that damn boy?"

Harry sighed. "Well, you better go see Professor Dumbledore before you go anywhere, make sure it's okay for you to be here."

Hedwig the owl glided down to Harry, a letter strapped to her ankle. "All right, post from Sirius!"

~*~

After much whining and bargaining, Wizardmon was allowed to stay for one day of classes. However, in doing so this would rip the space-time continuum open and allow characters from anywhere else to barge in at any given time. 

"What do you have first…um, never quite got your name," Hermione said, walking, talking, chewing gum and reading a book at the same time. 

**_Let's see Nicki do that. _**

**Be nice! And quit interrupting!**

Wizardmon examined the slip of paper he was given. "Care of Magical Creatures."

Ron sighed. "So do we…with Slytherin House again."

At the mere mention of the word, Draco Malfoy, Harry's longtime rival, appeared. 

"Hallo, who's this? Another pathetic excuse of a Mudblood come to join you band of worthless wannabe wizards, Harry?"

Wizardmon narrowed his eyes. "Listen, you miserable little mortal, I have come all the way from an alternate universe and Japan, and I probably have more magic in a single strand of hair than you do entirely, so shut your cake hole or I'll break you in less time than it took me to defeat a squadron of Norwegian Ridgebacks, without my staff!"

"You fought a squadron of Norwegian Ridgebacks without a staff?" Harry whispered. 

"More or less. Where I'm from, they're called Airdramon."

Malfoy sniffed in distain, leaving. Wizardmon made sure to magically tie his shoelaces, sending the pale boy sprawling across the hallway in front of the other students. 

"Nicely done, now let's get out of here before Professor McGonagall comes!" Ron hissed. 

~*~

Out where groundskeeper Hagrid usually taught his class, the students were fascinated to learn that that was not who would be instructing them today. 

"Hello, students. Hagrid's come down with the flu, so I will be instructing you. I am Master Mage Clef."

Malfoy exchanged glances with his goon squad, Crabbe and Goyle. 

"He's pathetically short, isn't he?"

"Don't look a day over ten."

"What's a midget like that teaching."

Wizardmon was ecstatic. Ever since Lia got hooked on _Magic Knight Rayearth _he had taken a sudden fascination with Clef. 

"Silence, impudent fools! You should be lucky that I am here! I should be helping Hikaru, Umi, and Fuu become the Magic Knights of Cephiro, not teaching a bunch of snot-nosed brats…hey, you, standing next to the Potter boy. Get over here."

Wizardmon sighed and headed over to where the diminutive mage stood, with his own formidable staff in hand. 

"You're from an anime show, aren't you? From your poorly drawn quality, I'd guess Digimon."

"Correct. Hey, it isn't my fault our animators suck half the time!"

"He's anime?!" a random student questioned. 

"Anime is either P***mon or porn!" someone else added. 

"Silence!" Clef hollered. "Kids today, no respect."

~*~

After a few more classes, one run by Chichiri, another by Clow Reed, Wizardmon was convinced that he'd much rather stay at Hogwarts than go back to Japan. 

"Blimey, there must've been a teacher strike! All the teachers are from anime shows!" Hermione exclaimed. 

"Is that a problem?" Wizardmon asked. 

As they were passing by the Great Hall, on their way back to Gryffindor Tower, our wizard friend got himself a rather large shock. 

"Hello, Wizardmon. Thought you could sneak out without me knowing. Well, you'd have to get up pretty early in the morning to trick me."

"Lia?! But how?"

"I'm the _author, _I know what you're doing before you even do it."

"Rats. Well, all I have left to say is catch me if you can!" and with that, Wizardmon took off, flying down the hallways. 

Ron, Harry, and Hermione exchanged glances as Lia took off after him. 

"Are you following any of this?"

"Nope."

"Maybe we should just go on and pretend none of this happened."

"Right. This is giving me a bloody headache."

~*~

Wizardmon tried using every trick in the book to dodge his human partner, trying to get her lost through the confusing halls of Hogwarts, attempting to distract her, throwing potions and charms her way. But of course, she managed to avoid any problems. That is, until Wizardmon crashed through the door to the teacher's lounge. 

Lia burst in after him, tripping over a footstool, sliding across the coffee table and tumbling off, only to land under the water cooler. 

"That looked like it hurt, no da."

"I knew I should have invented a First Aid Card."

"Well, we know she'll never have the grace of the Magic Knights."

Lia blinked. "Okay, what are you guys doing here? This isn't even anime. This is a book."

"Warp in the space-time continuum," Clef noted. 

"Can't figure out how to get back, either, no da," Chichiri added. 

Wizardmon was hiding in a nearby wardrobe, hoping he'd go unnoticed. 

"You've really done it this time, Wizardmon. I can't even begin to think of what Gennai and the Digital Gods do to you when they find out you've messed this much up."

"Go away, Lia. I don't need you lecturing me. Besides, you're the one who broke the printer!"

"Apples and oranges, my dear. Now, come out of the closet, get these guys back where they belong, and let's go."

"Fine."

~*~

Several days later, after everything calmed down, Wizardmon received his punishment from the high muckety-mucks of the Digital World.

"What'd they say?" Lia questioned, scrambling a couple eggs while she got ready for work (darn camp…it's my last week). 

Wizardmon whimpered. "I have to spend a month as Patamon's _chipper _sidekick in Batpig Land. It's not fair."

Maybe I can cast a spell to stop time here and go back to Hogwarts. Or maybe I can turn her into a goldfish and put her in that pond outside, shut her up for a while. 

"And no plotting my demise, you. Now I believe I can see the Batpig Signal going off…don't you have to get going?"

Wizardmon grumbled profanities under his breath. "I should've stayed dead."

~*~

"There you go, another weekend of pitiful idiotic-ness at Disasterpiece Theater. I apologize to anyone who's very Harry Potter clueless, and those who know what I'm talking about, brownie points for you. Join me again next week with another trip to stupidity. Now I've got to unload the dishwasher for real and get back to Rayearth. *sniffle* I can't believe they killed off Presea! I liked her! And poor Clef!"

Matt sighs again. "It's going to be a long two weeks while she has those tapes."

~*~

**You know the drill. **

**_You know, Izzy and my mom are evil in that show. _**

**Your mom has always been evil. **

**_But not as bad as my father. _**


	13. Gatomon, Exterminator

Disasterpiece Theater

Disasterpiece Theater

We have candy corn! Yayness!

We're still taping from the Agianna apartment. Hey, when FOX goes on summer hiatus, so do we. Anyway, Lia's chilling because she's done working for the summer and there's still one last golden week before school. 

"Hey there, welcome to another weekend of Disasterpiece Theater. If you haven't already figured it out, I'm your host, Lia. Why must school start before Labor Day? They hate us. They really, really hate us. Oh well, at least I (the actual human being behind the animated girl) only have 180 days and not 240 like the Japanese crew. So…let's get this show on the road. Our fabulous person of the day is…Gatomon."

~*~

Gatomon was snoozing on a sunny patch of carpet, trying desperately to ignore the furious scratching of Miko as he played with the cat tree. Tai and Kari were off somewhere in the house, doing who-knows-what. There was the sound of a kitchen drawer being opened, the brief sound of rummaging, and then…

"WHAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!" 

**Note: That is the exact sound my sister Christy made when such a thing happened. **

"Kari? What is it? What's wrong?" Gatomon asked, getting up from her nap. Tai came running into the room as well, his younger sister in hysterics. 

"I TOUCHED A MOUSE! IN THE DRAWER!" she shrieked, clutching her hand. 

Gatomon grinned. "Mouse? Where?" 

"I don't know! I put my hand in to get the ice cream scoop and I touched it and then it jumped out of the drawer and went Kami-knows-where!"

Tai went into another drawer and pulled out the yellow pages. "Looks like we'll have to call an exterminator. Of all the times for our parents to go visit our grandma."

"I can do it! I can get rid of them!" Gatomon offered. 

"Nah, we should really get a professional," Tai stated, flipping through the huge phone book. 

"I AM A PROFESSIONAL!" 

But Tai had already found one and was dialing the number as Gatomon walked the perimeter of the kitchen. 

Agumon came in, after finally paying attention to the commotion. He waddled over towards the sink and stopped, scrutinizing the counter. 

"Who spilled the chocolate sprinkles?"

"Agumon," Gatomon sighed. "Those are mouse pellets, not sprinkles."

"Ew! I almost ate mouse poop?"

"Yup."

Tai hung up the phone and grabbed his shoes. "Okay, I'm heading over to Matt's, Kari…um…I don't know, go see if Yolei's home or something. You two can stay here…try to stay out of sight so the exterminator doesn't freak out."

"Yes Tai!" the monsters chorused. 

~*~

No sooner did they leave; Gatomon picked up the phone and hit the redial button. 

"Gatomon, whaddya doing?" Agumon questioned, watching as their little rodent friends scampered across the counter. 

"Hold on a sec. Hi, this is Mrs. Kamiya, I'm calling to cancel the extermination…the problem has been taken care of. Yes, yes, I'm sure. Thank you."

"Why'd you cancel? There are still mice in the house!" 

Gatomon grinned Cheshire Cat style. "There won't be for long."

~*~

Gatomon went into a kitchen drawer and pulled out a frying pan. And a colander, a jar of peanut butter, double stick tape, and a ball of string. Agumon and Miko watched as she set up her "traps". 

"Hey, uh, Gatomon? What's all of that for?" Agumon asked. 

Miko (in cat, this is translated for your convenience) added, "Yeah! I thought humans used those things with the cheese that go SNAP!" 

"Well, we don't have those. We have a colander on a string that'll snap down on them when they trigger this thing here…" Gatomon indicated the device. "And a homemade glue trap with double stick tape. The peanut butter is the bait."

Of course, mice are somewhat intelligent and totally avoided a trigger string and a wad of double stick tape. So basically all Gatomon succeeded in doing was create a huge mess. 

"Gatomon, maybe you should just call back the exterminators," Miko said nervously, twitching like the neurotic housecat he is. 

"No way. I'm getting these mice my way."

She picked up the frying pan and tied a camouflage-print bandanna around her head, letting out a Van Fanel shriek and running after mice, flailing the pan around. 

Meanwhile, Agumon was trying to get out of the house. 

"Hello? Hello? Joe? Hello?"

The acclaimed toilet poet was speaking into a large mouse, not the phone. 

"YIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYI!" Gatomon cried, Xena-style as she attempted smacking a mouse. She slipped in a wad of peanut butter and went flying, crashing into the cleaning supply cabinet. 

"_Now _will you call the exterminator?" Miko yowled. 

"Never!"

And with that, Gatomon went back to her drawing board, set up in Kari's room right next to the cat tent. 

~*~

Twenty minutes and a phone call later, Gatomon had gotten her hench-cats from Gotham City to drop off a handful of smoke bombs, a hamster cage, and Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. 

"Now what?" Agumon asked, watching Gatomon throw peanut butter cups into the hamster cage. 

"I put smoke bombs in the mouse holes like this…" she set off the bomb and rolled it into the hole. "…and the mice will run out and into the cage because they can smell the peanut-buttery chocolaty goodness!"

Of course, not everything can go according to plan. Turns out the mice rolled the smoke bomb back out of the hole, filling the Kamiya apartment with smoke. The two digimon and the cat stumbled around blindly. Agumon got stuck in the hamster cage after trying to eat the Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. 

"Curse you, mice! And Ultra Peepi!"

"Who's Ultra Peepi?" Miko asked. 

"Quiet, GIR! We must stop Dib…I mean, shaddup, Miko!"

**All hail Jhonen and the ZIM. **

~*~

The floor was covered in mice now, and the situation was getting tense. Miko retreated to the top of the cat tree, and Agumon had shut himself in Tai's closet. Gatomon continued to ponder how to stop the mice invasion. Then, she had an idea. Mr. Kamiya kept one of those shop vacuum cleaners in the closet for when stuff floods because, let's face it, Tai's not the brightest bulb and he's been known to leave the tub running. Gatomon grabbed the vacuum and switched it on. Mice were sucked up into the tank by the dozens, letting out pitiful squeaks. Gatomon laughed maniacally, as one by one the mice were sucked up into the cavernous pit of the vacuum. But soon, the vacuum grew too full, and in a shower of dirt and rodent it exploded. 

"Rats!" 

"Gatomon, they're mice," Miko pointed out from the top of the cat tree. 

"I KNOW THAT!" 

Gatomon got one more brilliant idea. She turned on the computer, logged onto the Internet, and hooked up the ol' digiport. 

"Yo, Arukenimon, get your lazy spider bum out here!" she snapped. 

"It's Archnemon! How many times must I tell you that? And what do you want, I'm trying to be dead here!"

"I know you have that stupid flute that controls insect digimon, but you think you can do a little Pied Piper of Hamlin bit for me? I'll pay whatever you want!"

Archnemon grinned. "If you can get rid of Mummymon, it's a deal."

So Arukenimon…I mean, Archnemon, hopped out of the computer with her flute. Meanwhile, Gatomon was trying to dump Mummymon off on that Mummies Alive show. 

"And just how _is _the scary spider chick going to get rid of all of these mice?" Miko asked. The Mickey Mouse Club theme song started playing (from that flute of hers) and the mice started following the poorly dressed arachnid. Yup, they followed her right into the digiport, and right to the WB website, where they were left on the Cubix set. (Because really, who names their robot Cubix?!)

"Is it over?" Agumon asked timidly, coming out of the closet. 

"You bet your Black Wargreymon!" Gatomon said cheerfully. 

"THANK AZULONGMON! IT'S OVER!"

~*~

Tai and Kari came back later that afternoon to find a spotless, mouse-free apartment. 

"Stupid Matt, I should've known he'd have the girlfriend over. And both of them beat me at cards."

"Stupid Yolei, I should've known she'd try and take me boy-stalking. And T.K. being the target. I'm in so much trouble now."

Gatomon was in the kitchen, leaning against the counters on the floor when a mouse scampered by. She grabbed it, popped it in her mouth and swallowed it before the Kamiya children took notice. 

"Gatomon, the house is spotless! Those exterminators must've done a great job!" Kari cried. 

Gatomon pulled a toothpick out from behind her ear and stuck it in her mouth. "Oh yes, they did."

~*~

"That ends another Disasterpiece. I actually got this one from a reader challenge. I'm sorry I didn't put it up sooner, but that's the way the names are drawn. This has been Lia Agianna for Disasterpiece Theater. I'm going back to bed."

~*~

**Eh. Another day of lawn mowing. **

It was raining! It dried up. Send reviews…and aspirin.  And maybe some better cookies. The ones we have are crappy. 


	14. Teenage Mutant Ninja Agumon

Disasterpiece Theater

Disasterpiece Theater

Faster than a speeding bullet and more fun than an episode of P***mon

Another weekend at Disasterpiece Theater means another weekend at the Agianna house. What can we say? They're renovating our usual studio for Weekly Digimon Reports version 2.0, coming soon to an ff.net near you. Anyway, Lia's hanging out in her media room, which is really, really cold right now!

"Somebody please close those windows! I'm going to die of hypothermia! Welcome to another weekend here at Disasterpiece Theater, I'm your host, Lia. It's good to see that Fanfiction.net is up and running again, which means you can count on us posting regularly again. This week's fic jockey is Agumon, so let's get right to it!"

"No little quips? Nothing about Card Captors or Rayearth or anything? Are you sick?" Matt asked, going for the thermometer. 

"Nope. I'll plug the now-extended Batpig contest later, but that's later."

~*~

When the cities and storylines of a fanfic universe are in danger, the first hero to come a-knocking is our friend, Batpig, the Pork Knight. However, should Batpig come down with measles or pull a muscle, the Austin Powers Trio is ready to take over. But if the APT is at the veterinarian, or off playing poker, the Alliance is standing by. But if the two authors, the bishounen, and their digimon sidekicks come down with food poisoning from Burger King, who's left? The Teenage Mutant Ninja Agumon, that's who!

Our story begins with an Agumon, left home alone by a Taichi, one whose hair is worshipped by many Tokomon. Being hungry, our hero went rummaging through the refrigerator, trying to find anything that didn't contain carob, soy, tofu, or bean curd. He happened upon a bottle of something he thought was one of those Snapple energy drink things. Little did he know that it was a top-secret chemical mixture created by Izumi Lab Co., kept in the Kamiya fridge because Izzy's was out for repairs. Agumon downed the bottle of chemicals, and thus gained superhuman…well, super-digimon powers and the ability to wield kung-fu equipment. But, a Teenage Mutant Ninja Agumon cannot go untrained, and so our hero sought out a teacher (preferably a giant rat who lived in the sewers) while all the while, was being stalked by the evil villain. 

~*~

"Okay, I searched the yellow pages, dude, and there are like no giant rats living in the sewer that teach kung-fu. Maybe I can go see if that gnarly armadillo living in that apartment building can teach kendo…Lia, do I really have to talk like this?"****

**The APT has to sound like hippies, you have to sound like a surfer. **

"Bummer."

**Exactly. **

Wearing his blue bandanna (hey, I was a Leo fan) and his big ol' belt, Agumon headed over to Cody's apartment to see if Armadillomon could temp as Splinter, the big giant rat who lived in the sewer and taught martial arts. As for the rest of the cast…we only have one Agumon, and that's it. April, the reporter in the yellow jumpsuit, will be portrayed by Kari…since she wears all that spandex. And Shredder, the slicing and dicing villain…um…we dunno. OKAY! Let's just get right to the apartment and get on with this story!

~*~

"Like, dude, is anybody home?" Agumon called out as he walked into the Hida apartment. Armadillomon was meditating on a tabletop. 

"OHMMM. OHMM on the range." 

"Like, Armadillomon dude, can you teach me the ways of martial arts so I can become a proper Teenage Mutant Ninja Agumon?"

"Young Grasshopper, if y'all wanna learn kung-fu, ya came to the right place. Jest sit yer body down and Ah can teach you ta be a real Teenage Mutant Ninja Agumon."

Agumon sat, trying to figure out how Armadillomon was going to teach him, since Armadillomon's an armadillo and not a giant rat that lived in the sewers and taught martial arts. 

"First, ya have to balance this here teacup on yer nose, and not spill a drop of tea."

"What does that have to do with anything?" Agumon asked, putting the teacup on his nose. 

"Balance."

"Oh. Radical!"

Armadillomon waddled over to the tape player and turned on that Donny Osmond song from that Mulan Disney movie. That 'Be a Man' one where they do that musical montage fight training scene thing. 

Well, in the tradition of bad movies, we're doing a musical montage. Agumon is seen running past a volley of flaming arrows, a couple of which pop him one, trying to catch fish with his bare paws/claws/hands/whatever, waxing the Hida family car, using those big foam American Gladiator stick thingies to try and smack Armadillomon and ends up upside down crumpled on the floor himself, scaling a wall, swordfighting, and the whole thing ends with Agumon running up a long flight of stairs while Armadillomon takes the escalator. At the top, he turns and throws his paws/claws/arms/whatever into the air in triumph. 

"ADRIAN! ADRIAN!" 

"Agumon, who's Adrian?"

"I don't know."

~*~

Well, Agumon finished his training, and just in time, because Kari, the spunky girl reporter in the spandex, was being held hostage by our julienne fry-cutting villain. 

"Heheheheh, you will tell me where the Teenage Mutant Ninja Agumon is, or you will be forced to watch infomercials until your brain turns to mush!"

Kari looked puzzled. "Now wait a minute. Why am I being held hostage, who the heck are you, and why do you have a grudge with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Agumon?"

The masked assailant shrugged. "Plot holes. But, if you must know, you are the spunky girl reporter that gets that darn lizard his pizza, and thus you are a valuable asset to that stupid reptile. I am Slicer-Dicer, cheap imitation of the real Ninja Turtles villain portrayed by…gee, wouldn't you like to know? And I hate that Agumon because…because…because I'm paid to hate him, that's why!"

"Oh. Okay."

"Dude, like totally let Kari go! If it's me you want, then it's me you get. COWABUNGA!" and with that, Agumon popped out from some random place and starting going all Power Rangers-y. You know, 'hi-ya' and the like. 

"Ah, so we meet again at last, for the first time and the last time Ninja Agumon."

"You don't make sense. Let's be friends and get a pie, dude!"

Gabumon randomly walked onto the set, with his usual ice cream parlor obliterating equipment. 

"STOP GIVING LECTURES ON FRIENDSHIP! THAT'S _MY _JOB! IT'S MY SOLE PURPOSE TO GIVE NONSENSICAL LECTURES ON THE IMPORTANCE OF FRIENDSHIP, YOU'RE JUST THE STUPID LIZARD THAT BAILS EVERYONE OUT!" 

And with that, he left. 

"So then, we shall have an old-fashioned battle for this girl and the loser will be blown to smithereens?" Slicer-Dicer questioned. 

"Okay by me, dude."

"AND QUIT CALLING ME 'DUDE!'"

So they started fighting, well, sort of. They were actually just poking each other. 

"Pokey!"

"No! No pokey!"

And that continued for ten minutes. 

"Okay, time out, my poking finger's starting to bleed," the villain whined. 

Agumon backed off, giving the masked marauder ample time to pull out a katana and point it at our hero's throat. 

"Ha! You have lost, Ninja Agumon! Now the city is mine, and so is the secret treasure of the lost lagoon!"

"Huh? LIA!" 

**Whoops, sticking another plot hole in. **

Agumon, using the magical martial arts skills Armadillomon taught him, pulled out his own sword and now the two were swordfighting. Kari escaped from being tied to an uncomfortable chair and left the fanfic. 

"Hey! Get back here! You're not done being my prisoner!" 

Agumon (who doesn't do too shabby a job with a sword considering he has no real hands) sliced off the mask of our evildoer. 

"Tai?! You're the evil villain?"

"What do you expect? Kari put honey in my shampoo the other day and you ate the candy I was saving because in case you've forgotten we don't have anything made with real sugar in the house! Now die!"

Kari reentered the fanfic with a pizza. "Agumon, here!"

Our hero took the pizza and dropped it down Tai's pants. Anyone who's ever dropped hot pizza in their laps can sympathize with Tai right now, because it hurts like the dickens! And so, Slicer-Dicer was defeated by the Teenage Mutant Ninja Agumon, in a story that made absolutely no sense. But, like Armadillomon, one can't write a whole hell of a lot about Agumon, because Agumon is…well, he's Agumon. 

~*~

"Thank Kami that one was over. I'm sorry about the lack of humor or whatever, I've been using it all to work on a really whacked-out (but insanely funny) little fic Boss Reo and I are cooking up. Keep sending those Batpig entries, don't fall asleep in homeroom, and BEWARE THE TAMERS! Next weekend is the return of the Weekly Digimon Reports, but Disasterpiece Theater will continue to air. Until then, I'm Lia Agianna, and this has been your dose of insanity for the day."

~*~  
**I can't believe Tamers start next week. **

**_Neither can I. _**

**Don't worry, Yama, we fangirls aren't going to desert you!**

**_Oh goody. _**

**Send those reviews, because we love to get them!**

**_Except flames. Send flames and answer to me. _**  
  
__


	15. Austin Veemon's Shadadelic Outing

Disasterpiece Theater

Disasterpiece Theater

Vanquishing evil long before the Tamers.

A very out-of-breath Lia sits in her chair, trying to look calm and collected while panting. A plate of leftover pasta salad sits on her lap with the fork sticking out of her mouth as she tries to type. She sets the fork down on her plate and takes a deep breath.

"Welcome to another edition of Disasterpiece Theater. I'd be a little more calm and collected if I hadn't just run down the hall from the Weekly Digimon Reports. Well, anyway, these things continue, and today's fic hero is Veemon!" 

~*~

Austin Veemon sat lounging on an inflatable raft in the middle of the company pool, surrounded by a hoard of ladyfriends, giggling and serving him drinks. 

"Bambi, masshage me a little lower, shweetie."

Just then his official Austin Powers Trio cell phone started ringing. 

"Oh, cripesh. Hang on, girlsh. Aushtin Veemon here, baby."

"Hallo, Austin. This is Izzy Exposition with DOPE. You're the only member of the Trio around this weekend and Dr. Evil has hatched some serious trouble."

"Shay no more, Izzhy. I'm on my way."

Veemon started to get up, but flipped over in his raft and fell into the pool. He resurfaced, his glasses cockeyed, and spat a mouthful of pool water out. 

"Shorry, ladiesh, but duty callsh."

~*~

Little did our hero know, it was his evil twin brother causing the problem. Yes, you may not know it, but the evil Impmon of Tamers is really Austin Veemon's evil twin. 

No he's not! 

**Quiet, you, it's for plot purposes!**

Raised as a circus mime with Catherine and Trowa of Gundam Wing, Impmon had big plans. His family knew he was the evil brother from the very beginning, biting Veemon's ears and poking him with sharp pointy sticks, they isolated him in hopes to correct his evil ways. This only angered him more, and now Impmon was ready to wreak havoc until he got his revenge on his goody-goody brother. 

"Hey, Impmon, why ishn't thish Mon World?"

"Silence, VeeMondo! How many times do I have to tell you, the Mon Colle Knights sucked and you have no place to go now? You are just a wandering big-haired child and my pawn in the annihilation of my lisping brother!"

"Oh."

Yes, Impmon had taken in Mondo of the Mon Colle Knights, for he had a band-aid on his head and sounded like Veemon. 

~*~

Meanwhile, Austin Veemon was cruising around town in the Shagmobile, trying to find the villains…and a good radio station. 

"Aha! Hit me baby…"****

**No! You're not singing that! If you do, I'll make your station play nothing but the CDs I own for the rest of your life!**

"I'll shtop, I'll shtop!"

Just then a lion jumped onto the hood of the car, snarling and foaming and roaring. 

"Hey, Leomon ishn't shupposhed to be in thish!" Austin Veemon hollered, going for his little silver gun. He pulled it out of his crushed velvet pants pocket and fired away. 

"Grape jelly?"

Network censors say no violence or I lose my timeslot to the Power Rangers and end up on at eight-thirty in the morning. 

"Oh. Take thish, lion!" Veemon hollered, squirting grape jelly for all he was worth. The lion became confused and bored and frankly gave up, running off to eat somebody worth eating…like Cody. 

Why Cody? 

He's short and Cody-ish, that's why. Besides, if you were a lion, would you rather eat Cody, Kari, or Joe?

_Cody. _

I rest my case. Now get out of here!

Veemon stroked his chin. "Hmm. Why would a lion shuddenly show up in Tokyo?"

A mess of juggling balls rained down on him, pelting our hero with their round, colorfulness. 

"Ow! Ow! Wait…juggling ballsh? And a lion? Thish can mean only one thing!"

Impmon hopped into the passenger seat. 

"Hello again, brother. I see you've taken an interest in bad 60's parodies."

"Impmon, I shee you're shtill a jerk. Trying to kill me ash ushual?"

"Of course. VeeMondo, get him!"

Mondo jumped down into the backseat and started strangling our hero, while whining in his frightening Veemon voice. 

"Can't…breathe…musht…shtop…judo chop!" Veemon managed to crack him one on the band-aid, causing the chibi child to holler, fall backwards and out of the car, getting run over by crazy Masaharu and his ugly box of a van. 

"Ash for you, Impmon…" Austin Veemon said, pulling the car over to the side of the road. 

Veemon and Impmon got out of the car, sissy-fighting each other. You know, flapping your hands at a high rate of speed and whacking each other's hands. Impmon yanked a cream pie out of hammerspace and threw it in our hero's face, only to be doused with a bottle of seltzer water. 

"Wait a shec! Lia, what givesh? What'sh hammershpache?"

It's where anime girls get those giant mallets and whatever else. 

"Oh, really?"

Veemon reached into the pocket of uselessness and pulled out a large spatula, slamming it down on his brother. Impmon folded up like an accordion and popped back up, staggering around clumsily as little stars circled his head. 

"D-d-digimon, digimon, digimon are the champions!" he babbled. 

"Schore one for me, Aushtin Veemon!"

~*~

Impmon was carted off to the Tamers set, where he was strictly reprimanded. The court found him guilty of pestering a retired Digimon 02 member and sentenced him to half a season working with Quatre's band of Manguanacs, under the strict eye of Rashid, the scary leader of the Arabs who looks like Wolverine. Austin Veemon went back to his pool for a little while. That is, until Davis arrived. 

"Hey Veemon, with all that money I got doing the narration for Tamers, I bought you these tapes on how to get rid of your lisp!"

Veemon growled. "That'sh not funny, Davish!"

And with that, Austin Veemon began his new mission, hunting down his human partner and beating him senseless for commenting on his lisp, or at least giving him a killer wedgie. 

~*~

"That's all for this weekend. Sorry it was so short, I couldn't think of much more for Veemon to do without the rest of the Trio. But getting them would mean dealing with Shadowmon, and she already annoys me enough regularly. For Disasterpiece Theater, I'm Lia. Can somebody get me some ice cream or do I have to wilt in this humidity?"

~*~

Well, that wraps up another episode. 

_You look tired. _

I babysat last night, not to mention getting up early to watch Card Captors. 

_Oh, that's right, you have a thing for Yue too. _

Well, what else am I going to do now that you're nonexistent in the new series?

_They'll mention me! They mentioned Yolei, and she's…well…Yolei!_

_ _


	16. Nicki, Hammerspace, and Beating up Yamat...

Disasterpiece Theater

Disasterpiece Theater

*whimper* I still can't find my Latin book.

Well, we're broadcasting in the Agianna apartment again. Why? Well, it may be because Lia didn't feel like heading over to the studio. Or it may be because the Austin Powers Trio filled her entire Disasterpiece studio with shaving cream. Probably that one. 

"Hey guys, welcome to another weekend at Disasterpiece Theater. I'm Lia, and I should be doing a collage for chemistry right now. And my Latin book vanished from my locker…I wholeheartedly blame Jeff Nimoy. I don't know how or why, but I blame him. Okay, anyway, let's pick our big winner. Today we're featuring…Nicki. Uh oh, I know what this is going to entail."

~*~

Nicki was lying on the couch, cursing the Tamers as she munched on a piece of toast. Shadowmon waltzed in wearing a little white lab coat and Davis's goggles perched on her head. 

"Okay, Mr. Wizard, what's with the getup?" Nicki questioned as her cat came and sat down on the armchair. 

"How could they name him Henry?" she asked, avoiding the question. 

"Shadowmon…"

"Oh, this? Nothing. I just solved the age-old question that has baffled us since the dawn of time…or at least the dawn of Digimon."

"And that would be…what?" Nicki asked pointedly, turning up the volume on the TV. 

"Why you hate Matt so much."

Nicki laughed, nearly choking on her toast. "I know that answer already. It's because he's a baka and he's blonde and I'm a better musician than he is."

"Nope. After conclusive experiments performed in the DOPE laboratories, I have come up with a scientific reason. Watch this."

A projector and a screen appeared out of nowhere, the television turning off, as did the lights. 

"Hey! I was watching that!"

"You're taping it," Shad retorted. "Now watch my movie, it took me ten whole minutes to make."

The picture showed a piece of notebook paper, on which was scribbled, "Why Nicki Hates Matt," as held up by Veemon, who stuck his head into the frame and winked rakishly. He held up another sign, reading, "As Narrated by Gomamon Powers, PhD."

"What's Gomer have a PhD in?" Nicki asked. 

"Being a shagadelic swinger baby, yeah!"

"Some things just don't go together. Plaids and stripes, Cool Ranch Doritos and relish, Gabumon and ice cream. But the two biggest mismatches in the history of history happen to be Matt and Nicki. But why? Why does Nicki loathe him so much? Well, science can explain it. Take these magnets for example…Veemon, put the magnets on the table!" 

A pair of bar magnets appeared, along with another shot of Veemon. 

"All right, baby, here are our magnets. Look, opposite poles attract. But if we turn both poles to S…"

"Both of those S's stand for Stupid Blonde, by the way," Shadowmon added from her spot on the armchair. Nicki shot her a dark look. 

"See? Lookit! They repel each other!" Gomamon shouted. "This proves our theory! You and Matt can't stand each other because you're so alike!"

"We even have thish shpechial checklisht to prove it!" Veemon added. 

The film stopped abruptly. Nicki blinked at the screen several times, then ran screaming from the apartment. 

~*~

Nicki ran and ran, to where she wasn't quite sure. Eventually, after running down a few mimes and the occasional street musician, she found herself ringing the doorbell repeatedly at apartment number 202. She plowed past a confused Masaharu, storming into Matt's room. He was seated on the top of his amplifier, plucking at his guitar strings. She marched right over to him and socked him right in the nose. 

"Ow! Hey, what the heck was that for?" he hollered, falling off the amp and clutching his nose. 

"We are _not _alike, and nothing those stupid digimon can say can prove otherwise! You're blonde and you're stupid and I'm better than you!"

Matt blinked foolishly. "Did I miss something?"

Gabumon waddled in, licking a probably purloined ice cream cone. 

"Is she bothering you? You want me to blow her up?" he asked excitedly. 

"Um…in a few minutes, Gabumon. Let me try and handle this on my own first." 

Nicki clenched her fists, ready to hit her adversary again. She pulled her glowing Meowth keychain out of her pocket and struck him across the face with it, the Meowth lighting up. 

"I challenge you to a duel! My honor as a former Team Rocket Gym Leader, a girl, a member of the high school Women's Choir, and somebody better than you is at stake and I will not be dissatisfied!"

"Uh, Nicki…can we maybe talk about this first? I don't get what's going on here."

Nicki said nothing, digging into her pockets and producing a large wooden mallet. 

Gabumon flopped onto the bed, deciding to be the all-important digimon and explain things. 

"Gabumon…"

"The mallet? Nicki's got a hammerspace in her many useless pockets. That's where Biyomon gets all the Batpig gadgets."

Matt nodded, reaching his hand into his own void of useless tools for something he could use in defense. 

"I'm a muse, so I should be equipped with something good," he muttered, still trying to find a proper weapon as Nicki came charging at him hollering like Van Fanel or Wufei and swinging her mallet ferociously. 

Matt extracted a jeweled Sailor Scout stick thingy. "What the?"

"YOU WILL DIEEEEEEE!" Nicki cried, swinging the mallet again. 

"Um…Star Power?!" 

There was a flash of light and a brunette girl in a Sailor Scout fuku appeared, trying to keep her skirt from flying up. 

"I'm Sailor…"

"Lia?!" blonde and mental case questioned in unison. 

"Ruin my big number, will ya?" she pouted. "So…I'm here for guidance, Matt. Whaddya need?"

"A weapon! Nicki's got that giant mallet and she's going to take my head off and all you can give me is this? I'm your fecking _muse, _I deserve better!"

Lia shrugged. "Can't help ya there."

"Wha? Why not?" 

"Nicki's Disasterpiece. She gets what she wants."

Matt frowned. "Can't you at least slow her down or something?"

"I'll try."

Nicki tossed the mallet aside, finding it useless. Matt started frantically fumbling around in hammerspace for something, anything and pulled out…

"A spatula? Of all the weapons she could give me I get a spatula?!"

Nicki went into her pockets again and pulled out Quatre, violin and all. She stole the rosined bow from the little blonde and tossed him aside as well. 

"Don't think you're going to win against me with your pet author trying to trip me up, BakaYama. You're going to die, one way or another!" 

"Would you give it a rest? I swear, I've done absolutely nothing to you at all whatsoever in the past six months and you're trying to _kill me_!"

Nicki charged at him with the violin bow, trying to smack him with it, or poke an eye out, or something. Matt went into hammerspace again, hoping he'd pull out somebody's weapon, or a mecha. Instead…

"Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots? If I make it out of this alive, you're seriously going to regret this, Lia!"

**I highly doubt that, Muse. **

Nicki thought carefully. "All right, since we're both going to end up pulling useless objects for the rest of the fic let's just have a Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots battle? If I win, you proclaim to the world my superiority over you and be my miserable slave for the rest of your pathetic life."

"And if I win?"

"You're not going to win, BakaYama, so don't even…"

"That's it. If I win, you're to never call me that again. And you're to give Lia back everything you borrow from her _on time_, when she asks for it. Got it?"

"Fine. Bring it on, Baka."

'Mr. Referee' from Medabots appeared out of nowhere, while Gabumon and Masaharu sat on the bed with popcorn watching. 

"Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots, ro-battle!" 

The little hunks of plastic battled back and forth, smacking each other in the heads. 

"Hey, look, aren't those Lia and Sora…with bishounen other than you?" Nicki asked innocently. 

"Where?!"

Nicki grabbed Matt's robot by the head and yanked until it popped off. 

"Oops, too bad. You lost," she taunted. 

"Wha? Wait a minute, you cheated! That's not fair!" 

"Nothing's fair."

Matt jumped into his hammerspace, rummaged around, and came out with his Kaiser glasses, sliding them on. 

"Whoo, a pair of gay purple Raybands, I'm so scared."

Of course, little does Nicki know those 'Raybands' give Matt laser heat vision…that he aptly shot at her. 

Shadowmon ported into the room, jumped up, clawed Matt in the face, leapt into Nicki's arms, and ported the two of them out. Matt flopped onto his bed and stared at the ceiling, trying to ignore the fact that his face was bleeding. Gabumon and his father stared at him. 

"That's not his girlfriend, right?" 

"Nope. That's just her girlfriend's best friend."

"Ouch. Hey, let's go blow something up."

Gabumon grinned. "Two steps ahead of you."

Matt sighed. "Why me?"

~*~

Nicki and her cat teleported onto the couch, landing with a flurry of cushions. Nicki stared unhappily at the VCR clock. 

"Great, I missed all of my shows, and for what? I didn't even break his spine!"

Shadowmon shrugged, trying to put body glitter on. 

"Hey, Izzy called while you were off beating up Matt. He said Lia gave you guys permission to do a romance fic thing for your Disasterpiece."

"Wha?! But it's almost over! I wasted my story trying to beat up Matt! I can't believe this!"

Shadowmon snickered cruelly. "At least she didn't put in the part she originally thought of doing."

"What's that?"

"Having Matt recite a list of couplings that make you cringe…like Miyakoushiro…or the most painful of all."

"Do I dare as what that is?"

The black-and-blue cat narrowed her eyes, a Cheshire Cat grin spreading across her face. 

"You and Matt."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Nicki ran off and shut herself in her room. When we found her several hours later, she was in a fetal position, rocking back and forth, watching Dragonball Z reruns and mumbling the P***mon Johto theme. 

~*~

"Well, that was another edition of Disasterpiece Theater. The whole magnet thing was based on a note Nicki slipped me between classes Tuesday morning. Actually, a lot of this was based on the note…and my psychotic love for Saturday morning cartoons. I'm Lia, and this was your insanity for the day. Stay tuned to this network for another edition of the Weekly Digimon Reports…which means I'm going to have to run across town now. Um…catch ya later!" 

~*~

**_Is that nutcase gone?_**

**Matt, she's probably right here, reading this as we speak. **

**_HIDE ME! GET HER AWAY FROM ME!_**

Isn't he cute? ~.^ Now Nicki, will this make you gimme my story any faster, or will I have to actually write that you x Matt fic as slow painful torture? Hmm?

**_Um…review…and maybe she'll go away. _**


	17. Matt and the Rather Warped Bus Ride

Disasterpiece Theater

Disasterpiece Theater

We are never broken.

Seated in the red white and blue bedecked WDR studio was Lia, clad in a cranberry zip-up sweatshirt, a white v-neck shirt and jeans. Elsewhere in the studio Matt and his band of motley musicians were playing a long set of patriotic tunes. 

"Welcome to another weekend at Disasterpiece Theater. I'm Lia, and in case you didn't read the Weekly Digimon Reports, the gang and I are continuing our sets this weekend despite the tragedy that befell America. You may or may not know that the true-life Lia is a native Massachusetts girl, so because of that our little band of Japanese cartoon folk are doing a tribute to the US around our studios. That, and we're all a little concerned about Mimi, since she lives in New York. She's _fine, _I assure you Mimi fans, but we're just worried about her. So, without further ado, today's fic cowpoke is…ah, this should be interesting. Matt."

~*~

Every proper Matt fan hates Jun; it's an unspoken law. It certainly made this author cringe when good ol' Masaharu said those infamous words that made our boy lose his cool. You know what I'm talking about. 

"Matt, you take the bus back with Jun."

Yup, that. Anyway, what exactly happened to Matt on that four-hour bus ride back to Odaiba? All hell, that's what. These are his words, this is his story. 

The VH1 'Behind the Music' opening begins, the words in the sidebar reading 'fame fortune music monsters love hate digivices more monsters.' 

~*~

Tai should've gone with Jun, not me. My father must've had me pegged for punishment. Was it really _my _fault he left a sandwich in his back pocket and got chased halfway to Nagasaki by a bear? So why am I here, at this remote bus stop in the middle of Kami-knows-where with the Junbeast firmly latched to my arm, which has started to turn purple from lack of circulation? Because the producers enjoy making me miserable, that's why. 

"I have all your CDs and I know every word by heart in seven different languages not counting Pig Latin and I know everything about you including your favorite brand of cereal and the hair gel to mousse ratio you use in your hair and I even built a web page that gets two and a half hits a month but that's okay because you're the most wonderfullest guy I've ever known in my whole entire life!" she babbled, refusing to loosen her grip on me. In fact, it only got tighter. The bus hadn't even come yet, and I was already thinking of ways to commit suicide. Maybe I should just throw myself at the oncoming traffic and hope somebody will hit me. 

Unfortunately, that won't work because the bus pulled up and Jun dragged me bodily up the stairs like a rag doll, my head hitting every step. Yes, she was indeed literally dragging me. The other passengers stared at her, then at me, and started snickering behind their hands. I was helpless, trapped in the insidious clutches of the Junbeast. As long as Lia and Sora weren't anywhere nearby, I was safe. Who knows what they'd think if they _ever _saw me like this! 

She flung me into the seat, bouncing in herself. Luckily I had the window, so I could hopefully stare off into space and completely tune out the whining teenybopper beside me. It works when T.K.'s being a pest, so I figure I won't have a problem. 

Dead wrong. Shot down in two microseconds. She started hugging me like mad, slamming my face against the window. I think my eyeballs nearly popped out of their sockets. I couldn't breathe, I know that much. 

"I wuv my widdle Matty-chan soooo much, yes I do I do I do!" she jabbered, stroking my head until I thought she was going to yank all the hair out. Now, unless sanctioned by me, **_nobody_** touches the hair otherwise I pound them into oblivion. Of course, that doesn't work on girls…although I'm not sure if Jun's even human. 

~*~

Half an hour later, we were still on the road, Jun trying to rouse the bus into a chorus of 'ninety nine bottles of beer on the wall.' No takers. I was trying to make contact with any life form with an IQ higher than salad dressing. Everyone was busy or offline or doing something more constructive than rescuing me from a fate worse than death. Now, how desperate am I? Let's put it this way: I want to get away from Jun so badly I am willing to have Nicki and Shadowmon save me even if it means she humiliates me for the rest of my life.  "Matty, what's wrong? You don't seem happy," Jun purred.  "Nothing. Just a little tired." "Oh. I know a way to perk you right up!" and then she turned at me, closing her eyes and puckering her lips up like a gigantic halibut. If she thinks for one minute I'm going to kiss her… The kid in the seat in front of us had a pet lizard in a cage.  "Kid, I'll give you five American dollars to borrow that lizard for two seconds," I whispered, leaning over the seat.  "Twenty, the yen-to-dollar exchange is pretty low right now," he wheedled.  "Fine, fine, just gimme the lizard." The kid handed me the reptile, which I promptly pressed to Jun's overly glossed kisser before handing back with the twenty.  "You really ought to change chapstick brands, Matty. The Blistex just doesn't work." ~*~

An hour and a half left to go, and I was pretty certain my brain had turned to mush. Jun was still prattling on about something, still attached to my arm, which had lost all feeling in it by now. I started praying that something would happen to Jun, that lightning would randomly strike her, or an evil digimon would just pop up and beat her senseless, _anything. _Of course, when one says 'anything' in a Disasterpiece Theater fic, we get anything. 

The bus came to a screeching halt, sending half the passengers sprawling into the aisles. 

"Hey! What gives?" Jun bellowed in that nails-on-a-chalkboard voice. 

"Sorry ma'am, but something jumped out in front of the bus!"

The doors parted involuntarily and a small blue figure stepped on. 

"Hey, how you doin'?" he asked in a poor New York accent. He adjusted his red bandanna and marched up and down the aisle, smirking. 

**_Lia, Impmon wasn't even created by then. _**

**This is a Disasterpiece, anything goes. **

"Look, all yous people are gonna hafta listen here, see? I ain't no Tony Soprano, but if yous knows what's good for ya, you'll do what I say, got it? Dis here bus is now property of me, Impmon, and all yous stupid humans are gonna be my slaves cuz I'm de boss around here, see?" 

If you recall from weeks previous, Impmon (we decided) is Veemon's evil twin brother brought up as a circus mime by G-Wing pilot #3, Trowa Barton (also called No-Name) and now leads a life of heinous crime. 

"Now, you're gonna do what I tells ya, or else yous gonna be shot from the cannon and there ain't no net to catch ya, if ya know what I mean."

"Save me Matty, I'm scared!" the Junbeast wailed, clinging to me even tighter. Had Jun not been here…and if she wasn't strangling me…I probably could've pulled out those violet Raybands of mine and become Kaiser Yamato, which would spell trouble for Impmon. However, I've been totally immobilized by the little monster. 

"Hold it right there, baby!"

No, you're not imagining things, and neither am I. 

"We're the Austin Powers Trio, protecting buses from square carnies like you!"

"Sho get the bloody heck outta here, bro, cuz we're gonna shmack you upshide your mimey head!" 

Shadowmon, Gomamon, and Veemon, perceptive little buggers they are, happened to notice me out of all the other fifty someodd passengers on board. 

"Cor, lookit tha, Gomie, BakaYama's riding with the Junbeast!"

"Bloody hell, wait'll Lia gets a peep at this!" 

"She'll flipping trash hish bum!" 

Needless to say, the Austin Powers Trio defeated Impmon with moves copyrighted by the Three Stooges and the Marx Brothers. 

"You jusht shaid the shecret woid!" Veemon cried, decking his brother over the head with a fire extinguisher. 

"See you later, Romeo," Shadowmon giggled as they teleported out with their apprehended carnie. 

Why me? Why me? 

~*~

After that long, long bus ride I was finally free. Free to go home, lock my doors, and hide from that spiky haired harlot. Ah, but things were not as simple as I had hoped. The minute she skipped off the bus, still dragging me mind you, she happened to plant the biggest, wettest, most disgusting kiss on me ever imaginable…right in front of both girlfriends, who had gone out shopping together. 

"Bye-bye, loverboy! Call me, kay?" she chirped, prancing off. 

Sora was bright red and Lia was ashen, both of them glowering at me darkly. 

"Yamato, you got some 'splaining to do," they growled. 

I think I'd rather take the bus with Jun again than face the wrath of them. 

~*~

"There we go, another weekend of weirdness. Keep it here for more. I'm Lia, and hang those American flags high, folks!"

~*~

**United we stand, divided we fall. **

**_We all stand together, gentlemen, lest we hang separately. _**


	18. Little Palmon of Horrors

Disasterpiece Theater

Disasterpiece Theater

I don't like the settlement of New York in the 1600's.

Back in the Agianna house…this time Batpig found that his cave had been overrun by real bats, real vicious bloodsucking pig-bat-monster-devouring beasts, and has holed up in the Disasterpiece set, which now serves as his command post. Lia doesn't really mind, because it's just as easy to shoot from her house, and besides, after spending the afternoon working on a poster for a ten-minute presentation on the colonization of New York for her history class, she could really care less. 

"Welcome to another Disasterpiece Theater, I'm Lia and this is my show. Um…not much to say…my one-year anniversary is two weeks from tomorrow…**feel free to send me gifts, HINTHINT**. Anyway, this weekend's captain of the SS Disasterpiece…Palmon. And yes, I have a story for Palmon. Just how good it is depends on your opinion. My opinion is it's probably going to suck. But read it anyways, all right?"

~*~

Mimi and Palmon had come back to Tokyo for one of their usual weekend visits. Mimi went off with Joe, leaving Palmon home alone. Well, more like hotel alone but that's not important. Being the nudge she is, Palmon couldn't sit still and decided to wander around the streets of Odaiba on her own. She ended up outside the Takenouchi Florists down on Skid Row. 

**_Drama folk and movie lovers, you know what's coming, right?_**

Seeing as how it's the weekend, the shop is being manned by Sora while her mom is off doing mom-ish things like grocery shopping and getting her car washed. Palmon snuck in, hoping to spend time with her leafy compadres. 

Sora was in the back room at the time, either arranging flowers for somebody's order or making out with either of her two boyfriends (remember, she and I share Matt so it's a fifty-fifty chance between him and Tai). Palmon sat down in the middle of a floor display that resembled fireworks or a fountain, either one. 

"Hello, dear friends, how are you? Wait a minute…you've been *gasp* _cut_! How dare they! I shall stand up for this injustice! Wait, you're still pure. Ah, bucket. Hey, you're looking pretty fine, what are they feeding you?" Palmon jabbered to the plants, although she was really talking to herself. 

She happened upon an abandoned watering can filled with a bluish liquid that could only be concentrated Miracle-Gro, the Takenouchi family secret…oops, guess it isn't a secret anymore. My faux pas. 

Palmon tipped back the can, downing the growth formula. Now, if you didn't know better, you'd think nothing would happen. Well, something happened all right. Palmon got at least a couple feet bigger. Sora came back into the front of the shop to find mega-Palmon sitting in the display that took her and her mother six hours to put together. 

"Palmon, what are you doing here?" 

The oversized talking houseplant turned. "Feed me, Sora!"

Sora shook a finger at the plant monster. "First of all, 'please' would've been nice, and second of all, since when do _I _have to feed you? It's bad enough Biyomon thinks I'm her slave but you too? And how'd you get so big?"

Palmon got up off the display, slunk across the tiled floor, picked the redheaded girl up, and swallowed her whole. 

~*~

Some time went by, and Palmon was getting hungry again. She had already grown another few feet, and giant bulbous warty things were sprouting like zits allover her body. The little bell mounted at the top of the door jingled, and in strolled Matt.

"Sora! Lia says it's your turn this weekend! Sora? Sora?" 

He wandered around the store a minute, then caught sight of the giant Palmon in the middle of the floor. 

"Palmon, is that you? Have you been taking steroids? Should I get the hedgeclippers?"

"Feed me!"

"Oh no, I spend enough money taking the girls out to dinner, I'm not treating you too."

"Poison Ivy!"

Those purple-and-green vines shot out of her fingers, coiled around our bishounen, and reeled him back into the awaiting mouth of the giant suddenly evil Palmon. 

~*~

About seven-thirty PM Palmon thought she would die of starvation. She had grown large enough to fill the florist's shop, and her last meal hadn't done much to satisfy her (all hair gel, no real meat.) The little bell on the door chimed again, and this time Mimi and Joe walked in. 

"Matt? Sora? Are you guys here? We're supposed to be double dating tonight. Sora?"

Palmon's head turned slowly as she crooned a little from the movie this came from. 

"I think it's suppertime…"

Mimi gasped, clinging to Joe's arm, digging her hot pink fingernails into the skin. 

"_Palmon_?!"

"You gonna feed me, girl, or am I just gonna hafta eat the two of ya now? I already ate Matt and Sora and lemme tell you, it was not filling, no sir."

Joe groaned. "I'm allergic to bad parodies involving giant plants."

Just as Palmon reached out to devour her owner and owner's boyfriend in a bloodthirsty rampage as sanctioned by the film and theater versions, a shot bounced off the green monster's leathery skin. Several somebodies bounced in through a hole in the roof. 

**Guess who?**

"I am the terror that flaps in the night! I have no intention on sailing up the Hudson River! I am Batpig!"

"And I'm Batpig Girl!"

"And I'm the Dead Wonder."

"We're the Austin Powers Trio, baby, yeah! Defending the world from square plants like you, baby!"

"And we're the Alliance…who now has their own spin-off series READ IT…and you ate our partner!" 

Teenage Mutant Ninja Agumon is not necessary today. We've got enough heroes. 

"This isn't what is supposed to happen! The Audrey Two nearly eats Audrey (in the theater version it does) and Seymour either kills the plant or gets eaten, depending on the version!" Joe cried. 

"Do you wanna get eaten?" DarkScythe snapped. Joe shook his head. "Then keep your comments to yourself."

"So, how do we get them out, baby?" Gomamon Powers asked. "Puncture a bloody hole in her?"

"Don't you dare stab Palmon!" Mimi shrieked. 

"She's twenty feet tall and man-eating and Mimi doesn't want us to hurt her?" Wizardmon muttered. 

Batpig Girl went into the hammerspace in her utility belt and prayed she would find weed killer. She found the next best thing. 

"My _mom_?!" Fallen Angel moaned. "What's she doing in your hammerspace?"

BPG shrugged. "She has a black thumb when it comes to plants, doesn't she?"

All Lia's mother had to do was touch Palmon and she shriveled up, gagging and spitting out a saliva-covered Matt and Sora before returning to her normal size. 

"Mission accomplished, baby!" Shad cried, making everyone go away because I said they had to. 

Palmon sat on the floor, looking very disappointed. 

"Palmon, what's that look for?"

"We didn't sing anything. No _Suddenly Seymour _or _Somewhere That's Green _or anything."

"Palmon, nobody we know is named Seymour and we live in downtown New York. The nearest green is a manmade city park. Besides, singing is dangerous for ratings. Now let's get going. I'm going to wash your mouth out with soap for trying to eat my friends!" Mimi scolded. 

"Believe me, after eating Matt, I think I want to have my mouth washed out with soap."

~*~

"Yeah, it sucked. But doing a Little Shop of Horrors parody was the best thing I could think of doing with Palmon. So keep it here on Disasterpiece Theater, and I'll see ya again next week!" 

~*~  
**I know, it was bad. **

**_YOU LET ME GET EATEN! ME!_**

**She wouldn't have been able to swallow Tai. **

**_You don't think so?_**

**Think giant hairball.**

**_Gotcha. _**


	19. Gomamon Powers and a Really Messed Cross...

Disasterpiece Theater

Disasterpiece Theater

I've joined the league of one-years! 

Lia's sitting at her desk chair in her fuzzy blue bathrobe while still wearing her clothes for the day. She frowns, rubbing her hands together and breathing on them. Wizardmon wanders in, holding a cup of hot chocolate. 

"Lemme guess, you're cold."

"Freezing! I'm so freaking cold! But I'm super happy, though."

"Oh, why's that?"

"It's my one-year anniversary at ff.net and I'm not out of ideas yet! Hey and welcome to Disasterpiece Theater. I'm Lia, and this is my universe. I'm still taking those last-minute Batpig entries, and if people wanna send me anniversary presents (pics, Lia x Matt fics, a Volkswagen Beetle…just kidding on that last one), go right ahead!"

"LIA! STOP THAT!"

**Make me, Muse. **

**_I just might. _**

"Anyway, this weekend's big cheese of the Disasterpiece is the original shagadelic critter himself, Gomamon Powers, International Mon of Mystery."

~*~

Gomamon Powers was sitting in that fabulous eating establishment, the restaurant called Restaurant, enjoying a BLT, a cup of coffee, and _Baywatch _reruns. I know, a restaurant called Restaurant is really, really lame sounding, but that's what it was called in the first season. Besides, it could be worse. The Inoue family grocery store translates out of Japanese to mean "Love Mart."

"Run, baby, run! Yeah, baby, shake that red plastic flotation can!" 

Just then, his APT cell phone started ringing. 

"Gomamon Powers, International Mon of Mystery."

"Hallo, Gomamon, this is Izzy Exposition, head of DOPE. Boy genius…I can't believe I said that, the little brat is nowhere near as smart as I am and I know bigger words than he does because I'm prodigious and he isn't…Ken Ichijouji has just been sucked into an alternate dimension and now you have to go in there and get him before it's too late."

"Why, baby, what happens when it's too late?"

"Um…I don't…know."

"Whatever. Gomamon Powers, away!"

~*~

Through the will of the author, and hokey magic as performed by Obi Wan Ken…I mean Gennai, Gomamon entered the alternate dimension. A very frightening alternate dimension indeed. Sailor Mercury ran by in all her scout-ish glory, followed by Quatre, who was waving a saucer. 

"Come back! Don't you wanna have a cup of tea and talk about being snobby and rich? WHY DOESN'T ANYBODY LIKE ME? It's because I have twenty-nine older sisters, isn't it?"

"Whoa, baby, this is warped. Where the blazes am I?"

Just then Number Two and Frau appeared through another rip in the dimensional portal. 

"Velcome to Revolutionary X, Mr. Powers. Number Two and I discovered zees place vile at an anime fest vere ve vatched Escaflowne and Shamantic Princess and got hyper. Isn't zat right, Number Two?"

Number Two groaned. "Lia, can't we just run around as Kaiser Yamato and Angel? Or be the omnipresent author and muse? I hate this fecking eyepatch!"

"Quiet, we're supposed to be doing a…hey you! Sailor Venus! Get the heck off of my man, you hear, girl! Touch him again and I'll break your hip!"

"So just what is this place, baby?" Gomamon Powers asked. 

"It's some kind of crossroads where anime collides in various ways. Apparently it's Gundam Wing with Sailor Moon, Digimon and a bunch of other stuff. Lia heard about it from a girl named Emma at her anime con. You belong to Wufei."

"Wha?! Are you kidding me, baby? Wufei?! He'd try and kill me! I wanna be with Duo, cuz he's happy and fun and stuff!" 

"Nope, apparently Duo gets Gabumon," Frau Lia stated. 

"Lucky bastard."

Speaking of Wufei, here he comes now. 

"JUSTICE! ONNA! NATAKU!" 

Yeesh. It could be worse. Gomer could be with the silent Trowa…or the mentally unstable Relena, whom everyone hates and tries to kill because she's Relena. 

"Does anybody know where Ken is?"

"Depends on which Ken," Haruka, a.k.a. Sailor Uranus asked. "I mean, there's at least fifty Kens in various anime shows."

"Ichijouji Ken, blue hair, gray Dr. Evil uniform, gay-ish." 

"Oh, him. He's off taking lessons from Zechs and Allen on how to be an ungodly gorgeous bishounen."

Gomamon sighed. "As if he doesn't get enough of that from Matt." 

Our hero starts to head over in that direction, where the big giant mechas are parked and the lace cravats are stowed, when he is suddenly surrounded by a mass of angry ferrets, led by Japolo, the scary talking ferret-squirrel from Shamantic Princess. 

"WAAH! Scary ferrets! Why am I being tormented by ferrets?"

"Because the author couldn't think of anything better to do at this point?" Japolo mused. 

"Good enough, baby. Wanna shag?"

"Um…no."

Just then the ferrets were chased off by Moro and her cubs…they're the wolf gods from Princess Mononoke…another good anime. However, they were replaced by something scarier and far more mentally unstable. 

"ACK! HELP! LADY UNE!" 

Lia and Matt watched in amusement as the nutbag with the split personality and her sidekicks Dorothy (who has really big eyebrows) and Catherine (who likes to give people soup). 

"I…am…not….having…fun! This…is…bloody unfair!" Gomamon wheezed. "I wanna get Ken and…go home!" 

Ken and Wormmon wandered over on their own, Ken holding a Steno pad. 

"So, in order to be ultra-bishy I have to have hair to my knees, a big sword and/or mecha, wear a lot of mascara, and have a tragic death or near-death. I think we can manage that, don't you think so Wormmon?"

"KEN! Thank goodness, baby, I was starting to think we'd never get out of this bloody fanfic! I'm supposed to be taking you back to FOX," Gomamon cried triumphantly. "Cuz Izzy said if we don't something un-groovy happens."

"Like?" Wormmon asked naively. 

A giant chasm appeared in space and time, flames shooting out as though hell had broken through to earth. A monstrous demon with spiky hair and fangs and glowing eyes came out and snarled at the crossed-over anime folk. 

"_WHERE IS THE ICHIJOUJI?" _

Gomamon yelped, hiding behind Tuxedo Mask's cloak. "H-h-here, Sir."

The demon turned into a grinning Davis holding a plastic pitchfork. 

"Good, cuz we were gonna go to that Halloween thingy over at Cartoon Network, weren't we, Kenny-chan?"

Ken nodded cutely, skipping merrily off with Davis. 

Gomamon glared at the author and her muse, who were discussing Lia's suddenly pervy mind. 

"I'm serious! If somebody *coughReocough* writes me a really good me and you lemon for my anniversary, I will be so psyched!" 

"Lia, if your parents ever found out…"

"They wouldn't. You worry too much. I'm an expert at computer-y stuff and at hiding things from my parents."

"Lia, you can't keep a secret to save your life."

Lia thought for a moment about this. "True…but they wouldn't know about this."

"LIA! YOU PUT ME THROUGH ALL THAT, THE FERRETS, LADY UNE, AND I GOT MY VELVET SUIT ALL DIRTY JUST SO DAVIS AND KEN COULD GO TO A HALLOWEEN PARTY?! OMAE O KOROSU!" 

Heero Yuy appeared, his own Agumon in tow, and pointed a gun at Gomamon's head. 

"That's my line, punk. Say it again and you'll self-destruct."

Gomamon Powers groaned. "Baby, this was so not shagadelic."

~*~

"Yeah, I know, again it was probably lousy and if you've never seen any of the anime that kept popping up you wouldn't get it. I couldn't think of something absolutely spectacular for Gomamon to do right now…but be sure to stay tuned, because I'm already planning this year's pointless Halloween special."

"I'm dreading this one already," Wizardmon mutters. "Another Linda Blair candidate?"

"Nope, wholesome goodness. The working title's _It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown Tai Kamiya._ So be on the lookout for that. For Disasterpiece Theater, I'm Lia. And I'm still really, really cold."

~*~

**_Did you put enough anime con inside jokes in?_**

**No. I didn't even mention Wufei's chicken!**

**_I don't even want to know. _**

  
  



	20. Yolei Inoue, Bishounen Hunter

Disasterpiece Theater

Disasterpiece Theater

Why damme, it's too bad!

Lia was sitting in her mother's room, watching her sew Lia's musical costume. Lia has absolutely no sewing skills other than making hair scrunchies, and even that's a challenge. 

"Hey gang, welcome to another weekend at Disasterpiece Theater. We've got a wild episode for you this week, and I mean wild. We've pulled Yolei, so things should get hairy."

Lia's mother looked up from her machine. "Who are you talking to?"

Lia facefaulted. "Um…uh…go to fanfic."

~*~

A/N: To be read in a really annoying Australian accent, like Derek/Dingo from the Digimon World Tour. 

"I'm Yolei, the Bishounen Hunter! This is my partner Terri…ermon…"

"I'm on loan from Willis!" the rabbit chirped. 

"…and our dog Hawkmon."

Hawkmon harrumphed. "I'm no dog, Yolei. I'm a proud Englishmon!"

Yolei ignored her digimon partner, adjusting her khaki hunting clothes and tipping her pith helmet back. 

"We're on the trail of the wildest, most elusive bishounen in nature. Our mission is to rescue them from the wild and put them in the safety of my bishounen preserve. So, let's hop in our Jeep and go!"

Yolei's "Jeep" consisted of a bicycle with a wagon attached to the back. Terriermon and Hawkmon sat in the wagon as Yolei pedaled to the park. 

~*~

"Here we go, folks. A rare beauty, the wild Matt Ish…oh, wait. We don't want him."

Terriermon looked up at Yolei, who was already putting away her binoculars and butterfly net. 

"Why don't you want him, Yolei? You just said he was a rare bishounen."

Yolei pointed at the bishounen through the bushes. "He's got a parasitic worm attached to him."

The camera moves over slightly to reveal Lia draped around the bishounen's arm. Of course, that didn't last long. 

"Whoa-oh, um, Yolei…"

"Quiet, Terri! We've got to be silent if we're to catch more elusive bishounen!"

"But Yolei, I think…"

"Terriermon, don't make me tell you again!" 

"But _Yo_lei!"

Suddenly a shadow passed across the group. Yolei looked up just in time to see the author, in her full Fallen Angel glory, descend upon her, ready to unleash screaming bishoujo doom. 

"Are you perving at my boyfriend?"

"No."

"Did I hear you call me a parasitic worm?"

"No."

"Are you lying?"

"Yes."

Lia backhanded Yolei and flew off. Yolei sighed.

"Well, turns out that wasn't a worm after all but the Wild Ishida's alpha female, and she's an angry little missy who'll defend her territory with any means necessary. She's off to claim her prize now and shag the poor beast rotten."

Lia returned, backhanded Yolei again, and left, leaving one smarting egghead-ditz, a clueless bunny, and a pissed off bird with a belt on his head.

~*~

"Despite death threats by a rat with wings, I continue my hunt for rare and elusive bishounen. Oh, here comes another rare beauty! Ain't he gorgeous? This is the wild Colorado Wallace variety, rarely ever seen."

Willis strolled past the bush Yolei and company were hiding in, enjoying an ice cream. Terriermon started to jump up and down in the wagon. 

"HI WIL-oof!"

"Don't you know the meaning of 'be quiet?' You'll scare him away!" Yolei hissed. 

Hawkmon shook a wing feather. "You'll be throwing this one back too."

"What do you…oh, not another one. Looks like he's got parasitic worms too."

No sooner did the words 'parasitic worm' left her lips, Yolei felt cold steel pressing against her jugular. 

"You say anything like that again and you won't live to see a second movie," Boss Reo hissed, pressing el Lemon Scythe to her throat. "Now, you keep away from me and my Wallace or else. Do I make myself clear?"

"Crystal!" Yolei choked. 

Reo returned to Wallace, who huggled him and nearly lost his ice cream. 

"And the Bishounen Hunter strikes out again."

~*~

Yolei lay on her back, spread-eagle, behind her bush, staring at the sky with a bored expression on her face. An hour and a half had gone by and not a single bishounen had traversed her way. Terriermon had to go home, and so he was replaced by Lee/Henry's Terriermon, who was bouncing around the wagon whispering, "moumantai," every few minutes. 

"Verily, Yolei, I believe your next subject traverses this way. However, he is consorting with a sponging larva as we are conversing."

Yolei sat up and put her binoculars to her eyes. 

"Bingo and perfecto," she whispered. "The perfect target: easy and vulnerable. Terriermon?"

"Yeah, whaddya need?" the bunny questioned. 

"Go and bring back that bishy! He's a rare beaut, but he needs to be separated from that worm there and brought to our reserve for close observation. But be careful, he's a feisty little bugger!"

The audience hears the sounds of scuffling as a small fray breaks loose. Presently, Terriermon drags his quarry back to the bush, where Yolei hits him over the head with a brick and stashes him in her wagon, pedaling furiously back to the FOX Studio and her dressing room/porno hangout, with Terriermon and Hawkmon following close behind. 

"Jeez, you'd think he'd weigh less!"

Meanwhile, in the park, the bishounen of the previous two sketches and their lovers came upon a heap of pummeled Chosen Child. 

"Wow, he looks dead. Can we poke him with a stick?" Willis asked. 

Davis sat up, groaning and rubbing his forehead. "Ow…that _hurt,_" he whimpered. 

"What happened?" Lia questioned, pulling a first-aid kit out of hammerspace and attending to the maroon-haired preteen's wounds. 

"I dunno. Me an' Ken were walking, cuz we were like on our way to meet up with some friends for lunch and stuff, and all of a sudden this crazy Terriermon came outta the bushes and started attacking us! And while I was like on the ground he dragged Ken off."

The Alliance plus Willis exchanged glances and said, in unison, "Yolei."

~*~

"Lemme go, Yolei! I wanna go home!" Ken wailed, punching the wall in the glass cage Yolei bought at the last zoo auction. 

"See, ladies and gents? Now that this gorgeous and endangered Ichijouji is here in my nature preserve, he can't be infected by any leech-like clingy goggle-headed losers like Davis! I am so the best Bishounen Hunter ever!"

Hawkmon rolled his eyes, turning on the telly for the BBC while eating bangers and mash. 

"Don't you think Davis is going to get reinforcements and come after you?"

"Nah, Davis couldn't think up something like that on his own."

Ah, but Davis did. He, Willis, the Alliance three, and Davis and Ken's lunch partners (who happened to be Duo, Quatre, and Nuriko of Fushigi Yuugi), burst into Yolei's dressing room. 

"Yolei, this bishounen hunting thing has gone far…sweet mother of Imperialdramon!" Davis gasped, running over to the cage. "Kenny!"

"We told you to lay off, Yolei," Lia hissed. "Now you're in for it."

"Did she bruise you, Kenny-chan?" Davis asked, pounding on the glass. Ken pushed his hair aside to reveal a huge purple lump caused by the brick. 

Yolei grinned, tipping her pith helmet back again. "You can't do anything."

"And why not?" Matt snapped, cocking one of several laser guns. 

Yolei pointed upwards to the first paragraph. "It's my Disasterpiece, remember? What I say goes, and Lia has no control over what happens."

Lia groaned. "She's right, I can't break the code of the Disasterpiece. What Yolei wants, Yolei gets."

"Not necessarily," Hawkmon leered, pressing a button on the wall. A hoard of random bishounen from half a zillion anime shows entered the room, standing around and looking confused. Yolei picked up her butterfly net. 

"Crikey! It's like a bishy convention! Well, like they say in P***mon, 'gotta catch 'em all,' you know!" 

And Yolei ran around with her butterfly net trying to trap whoever wasn't fast enough to dodge her net of evilness. Reo ended up smashing a hole in the glass cage, freeing Ken. 

"Thank God! She was going to put me in a 'habitat' with a swimming pool and make me chase after her every time she tried to mow the lawn and breed me like I was some crocodile or something. Can we go home now?" Ken whined. 

"Better yet," Duo suggested. "Let's go to the movies, sit down in one of the cheesy G-rated flicks and ignore it in favor of our significant others!"

Nuriko's lip quivered. "But Hotohori still hasn't noticed me!" 

Davis grinned. "No need to worry! This is Lia's universe. She can make stuff happen like you wouldn't believe! Like the time she filled the swimming pool with lime Jell-o, and the time she rebelled against Season Three and the time she…"

Yolei put down her butterfly net for a moment, picking up a long coil of rope. 

"This is Yolei Inoue, the Bishounen Hunter, signing off from my base camp as I try and capture these here gorgeous beauties! G'day, and remember: when catching bishounen, watch out! They may look pretty, but if you aren't careful, they may bite yer arm off!"

~*~

"Glad that's over with. If I have to hear my mother say 'Lia, come try this on' once more I'll go insane," the author sighed, sitting in a Starbucks with Matt and Reo. 

"That was one weird fanfic," Reo muttered, dumping another six packets of sugar into his coffee. 

"Don't complain, you were in it," Matt retorted. 

"True, true."

"For Disasterpiece Theater, I'm Lia. Stay tuned for more from my spastic imagination!"

"And read the Alliance fics!" Reo added. 

"And review, or else we'll sic Yolei the Bishounen Hunter and her Butterfly Net of Doom on you!" Matt threatened, hostilely waving his biscotti. 

~*~

**You heard the muse, do as he commands.**

**_Lia, your mom wants you to try your outfit on again. _**

**Not again!!! -_-;;; **


	21. Hawkmon on the HMS Pinafore

Disasterpiece Theater

Girl got her groove thang on! 

            Lia sits at home, finishing up watching _the Emperor's New Groove_ and the last of several loaned Rayearth tapes. Her fingernails are all sparkly with nail polish. 

"Hey everybody! Welcome to another weekend at Disasterpiece Theater. I'm your host for Homecoming 2001, Lia. You're probably wondering a bunch of things, faithful readers…one being where the heck this week's Weekly Digimon Report is. Well, this is the story. I decided to go to homecoming at the last minute, so I had to go out and buy a dress that morning. I set the timer on the VCR like I usually do, but I forgot to shut the VCR off, so it taped absolutely nothing and I missed the entire episode. So that's where that is. If somebody wants to email me and fill me in on the finer details of what happened, I'd appreciate it. Second, my three competitors have been urging me to display the results of that little Batpig contest. Well, um, guys, you all win. I'M INDECISIVE! So here's the list, in no particular order."

**King Weregarurumon** **Anorexic Chibi** **Super Hurricane**

"And a special accolade goes out to Crayon for her fic _Supermon_. You guys will be receiving your commemorative Batpig JPEGs as soon as I color them, and be sure to watch out for your guest appearances in the upcoming _Batpig Breaks Out._ And now, without further ado, onto this weekend's fanfic starring…Hawkmon…and I do have a worthwhile plot for him, trust me."

~*~

            "All right cast, let's take it from the top of the Act One Finale. Matt, we'll start with your 'Can I Survive This Overbearing?' Is everybody ready?"

The fifty most musical students at Odaiba High School milled about the auditorium stage as the head of the music department, Mr. Shattuck, played the introduction on the tired out piano on the floor. Matt stood center stage, tugging at the collar of his dress shirt. Out in the audience sat the non-musical portion of the 02 cast, their digimon, Boss Reo, and Lia's good buddy Cele, who asked to make an appearance in this weekend's story.

Matt opened his mouth to sing one of his big dramatic numbers, but nothing came out. Mr. Shattuck and Miss Depasqua looked rather perturbed. 

"Matt, that was your cue."

He nodded, massaging his throat. "I know," he croaked. 

"Matt, this is no time to be playing around. The show is in less than a week, and we don't need this kind of goofing off. We'll try again," Shattuck griped, playing the introduction again. Once again, Matt uttered nothing more than a gagging fit of coughing. 

"Everyone take five!" Miss Depasqua yelled. "We'll take it from when the women come in when we get back!" 

            The stage cleared, Matt slinking off to sit in one of the blue chairs in the theater. Nicki went off to rehearse with her partner in the show, Anna, and Lia went rummaging through her purse. The younger 02 kids all came down the aisles to crowd around Matt. 

"Matt, is something wrong?" Kari asked. 

T.K. pressed his hand to his brother's forehead. "Hey, you're not feeling too hot."

"I can't sing at all," he whispered hoarsely. 

Cody rolled his eyes. "Well we could see that."

Lia handed him a throat lozenge. "Don't talk anymore. You've gotta rest up your voice so you can go on Thursday night. Matt, you've gotta get better! There is no understudy for Ralph Rackstraw! You're the only one who can do the part!"

Cele frowned. "I still don't get what's going on in this show."

Reo leaned back in his chair. "It's your atypical love triangle taking place on a British naval ship in the 1800's. The upper class captain's daughter falls in love with the lowly sailor, even though she's supposed to marry the admiral. They plan to elope, but their plan is foiled, and we find out the captain and the sailor were switched as infants by Little Buttercup so the sailor is really the nobleman and he can marry the captain's daughter."

"I see."

            Hawkmon coughed loudly from his place beside Yolei. "Begging your pardon, I couldn't help but overhear that our leading man has come down with a nagging case of laryngitis. Might I offer my services in his stead? In a past life I was that British tar Ralph."

Veemon laughed. "Hawkmon, you never had any pasht livesh. Before you were you, you were jusht a digiegg."

"So? Verily, I know all of Ralph's arias."

"But can ya sing 'em?" Armadillomon queried. "Ah reckon you'll sound like a coyote howling into the Grand Canyon."

"It's no different from what Matt sounds like on a good day," Shadowmon quipped. 

"Hey! Matt sings quite well!" Gabumon protested. 

Matt frowned. "We may have no other choice. There are no other tenors that can sing my parts."

"What did Lia just get through saying? As the trained medical…person I diagnose severe laryngitis. You are not to speak for the next few days, drink plenty of herbal teas and sleep with a humidifier in your room." Joe handed Matt a few aspirin. "Take two of these and call me in the morning."

            Wizardmon pulled a vial out of the many pockets in his lemon-yellow jumpsuit. 

"Here's the potion for instant gijinka. It's only temporary, and it takes me a while to brew, so you'll have to drink it in small quantities until I can get some more. Go save the show before I have to put up with Lia's complaining and whining for the next few days."

Hawkmon drank down the potion and instantly (spiffily) took a human form. 

~*~

            "Miss Depasqua?"

Yolei and Hawkmon nervously entered room 118, where the little blonde teacher was slumped over her desk. 

"It's ruined. Our lead can't sing, the chorus doesn't know their parts, none of them can dance, and those stupid entertainment books! If we hadn't sold out of tickets, I'd cancel the show…what do you want, little girl?"

"My name's Yolei, I'm one of the freshmen (remember, Yolei's a year older than the other kids…and the 01 kids were freshmen last season) and I might be able to save the show."

"How? It's hopeless!" 

Yolei bit her lip. "My…uh…cousin is here from London and their school just put on _HMS Pinafore _last year and he was Ralph. So maybe he could take over for Matt while he's sick?"

Hawkmon grinned. "And I'm genuinely British, unlike your standard imitation Ralph."

"HE'S PERFECT! Get him onstage, and see if he can fit into Matt's costume…why does he have a belt on his head, though?"

"…Latest British fashion," Yolei said quickly. 

~*~

            Lia hollered in annoyance, kicking a soda can across the stage. 

"Hawkmon! In our musical! In the role Matt is supposed to be in! Why must stuff like this happen, Nicki?"

"Because your life sucks and we're all gonna die when the Pakistanis bomb us so we might as well just go build colonies and a bunch of Gundam suits now."

Lia blinked. "You know, you're really, really starting to depress me."

Mr. Shattuck returned after giving some sort of lecture to Matt regarding his shot vocal chords, sitting down at the piano. Hawkmon skipped up the stairs onto the stage, where everyone stared at him. 

"All right, everyone, settle down! We're taking it from the finale again, Yolei Inoue's cousin Hawk Mon (real original name, ne?) will be filling in for Matt right now. Hawk?"

            Hawkmon made it through the first line of the finale without botching things up too terribly, although his singing sounded far worse than that time with the Gekomon and Tai and Joe…yeah, that bad. I bet English-dubbed Wormmon could sound better than him. 

"The maiden treats my suit with scorn, and sets my hopes adrift, my lady…" 

Joe (not our Joe, another Joe) sat on the stage steps staring at Hawkmon and his belt. Dane and Steve were muttering things about him behind the curtains. Lindsey, the girl playing the leading lady, was really quite scared of him. Lia and Nicki were just plain annoyed. 

~*~

            Things seemed to be going well for a while, but sooner than one could say, "Why damme, it's too bad!" they do get worse. Halfway through "Farewell My Life, My Own" Hawkmon started going back to being what he usually is…a British bird with a belt on his head, rather than a gawky British kid with a belt on his head. However, when he went to take a swig of Wizardmon's gijinka potion, it was nowhere to be found! He had lost the little blue vial, and now he was in for it. 

"Damme…" he muttered, hunting around for the little bottle. 

"He said damme! He said damme! Yes, he said damme!" a group of random cast members whispered. 

Hawkmon tried to continue with the show, but it was starting to get a little too obvious that he wasn't a person. The big yellow beak was somewhat of a dead giveaway. 

            "Yolei!" he hissed, hurrying offstage while Erin did Little Buttercup's big momentous aria. 

"What is it, Hawkmon? You were starting to sound pretty good!"

"Indubitably, I'm reverting to my previous state and, alas, I cannot find the elixir henceforth!" 

Yolei slapped her forehead with annoyance. "Must you always give me a hard time when I'm ogling hot bishounen?"

"Forsooth, I am on in twenty measures of overture! We must find that potion, post haste!"

_"…when I was young and charming, I took up baby-farming…"_

Cele leaned over to Reo again. "What the? Baby-farming?"

"She was a nanny."

"Oh. Gotcha."

Tai glanced at Sora, who was staring at Matt, who was cringing in Lia's general direction because the throat lozenge she gave him tasted really gross. 

"Hey Sora?"

"Mm?"

"Have you any idea what they're talking about?"

"Beats me. European humor, I guess."

~*~

            Hawkmon couldn't find the vial, and neither could Yolei. He was almost completely a goofy bird again, and it was about time to go back on. Suddenly he spied Gomamon about to dump his precious container of potion into a bottle of blue Fruitopia. 

"Gomamon, refrain audacious tar!" 

"Say what?" 

Yolei snatched the vial out of his paws/hands/flippers/whatever. "You can't have this."

Hawkmon took the container and was about to tip back the contents when he tripped on Lia's cursed blue Old Navy flip-flops, which had pulled out of hammerspace while she was trying to find that throat lozenge. The vial dropped and shattered, liquid oozing into the rug. 

"Great! Now Hawkmon can't fill in for Matt, and Matt can't sing, so the whole show's ruined!" Yolei moaned. 

"And I did so want to sing some more."

"Hawkmon, you couldn't carry a tune if it was in a bucket," Gatomon retorted. "Besides, Matt's little laryngitic spell is over. Lia found out Nicki and Wizardmon were playing another cruel and unusual prank on him and fixed everything."

             "What?! You mean, I wasted my whole Disasterpiece for nothing! I didn't even get to sing 'A Maiden Fair to See!' I'VE BEEN RIPPED O-"

"Quiet!" Patamon shouted. "They're getting to the finale!"

"For he is an Englishman! For he is an Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeenglishman!" 

"Harrumph!" Hawkmon harrumphed. "Englishmon would be more like it."

~*~

            "That's it. End of story. Go home now. I know it hardly had Hawkmon in it, but do you really want to hear Hawkmon sing? Hmm? I didn't think so. Anyway, for Disasterpiece Theater, I'm Lia. Join me next week, when hopefully I won't screw up the VCR and miss an episode! Later!"

~*~

**_Wait…I was Ralph. Why didn't you make yourself Josephine?_**

**Because I was trying for SOME accuracy. I'm only in the chorus.**

**_Aha. And you think a bird with a belt on his head is accurate?_**

**…Yes. **


	22. The Star-Spangled Adventures of Lopmon, ...

Disasterpiece Theater

My mouth hurts and I bombed a math quiz. Go away.

            Lia is lying on the couch in the Agianna media room, having a hissy fit. She's tired, achy, cranky, mopey, afraid that her 8th in class standing is going to be reduced to eleventy-billion after today's abysmal math quiz, and life in general sucks. 

"I'm Lia, this is Disasterpiece Theater. My VCR hates me, my math grade is probably plunging, I have to bring my Latin grade up because an eighty-seven point four is unacceptable, and the orthodontist took half my braces off and rewired the rest so my mouth kills. Unless you give me a really good reason why I should be hosting this show, I'm going to bed…oh wait, I can't. I have a chemistry paper, an English paper, and a history paper to write. Kill me, kill me, kill me."

Using his all-encompassing Muse powers, Matt spiffishly appears in the room (actually, my mother just let him in) with a bottle of Tylenol and a plate of cheesecake. 

"Quit your grousing and host, considering how you've got a big mess on your hands with the Reports."

"Yeah, I know. This week it's Lopmon's fic. Goody for him."

~*~

            A while ago, somewhere, Batpig I believe, there was a mention of the Wonder Twins. Who the heck are they? Well, this is the lowdown. Some of you TV freaks may remember that old cartoon (it might still be on Cartoon Network) 'The Super Friends' where Superman, Batman, Aquaman and Wonder Woman ran around and did super-ish things because they could. Well, there was a rarely used pair of kids (and maybe a monkey or a dog) known as the Wonder Twins. They were these Mulatto-ish kids with pointy ears and gay purple jumpsuits that could turn into anything after they said 'Wonder Twin Power, Activate!' Uh-huh. Well, Lopmon and Terriermon, seeing as how they're twins, do something to that effect. Only cuter. And without the monkey/dog.

~*~

            Willis was out grocery shopping with his mother that fateful morning in Colorado, yes, he was out at the A&P with his mommy making sure she got the right kind of cornflakes and the chocolate-frosted donut, not the vanilla one. So, that left Terriermon and Lopmon home alone…not a smart idea. Terriermon can behave most of the time, he's generally reading Henry/Lee's Terriermon lines in case his needs temping for. Lopmon's the mischievous of the two. After the whole incident with the movie and the virus and the kidnapping of the season one kids…oh wait, that didn't happen in the American version…forget I said that…well, you know he's going to be trouble. 

            Actually, both rabbits were sitting on the couch watching the eleven forty-five o'clock news on channel four. 

"Bush's last speech was pretty good," Terriermon stated idly. 

Lopmon frowned. "Surprising words from a Democrat."

"Hey, when there's the threat of nuclear warfare or nationwide Anthrax, the lines between Republican and Democrat get a little hazy. Speaking of mail, did we get anything good today?"

Lopmon shook his head, pointing to the mountain of Wal-Mart flyers. "We live in Colorado; do you really think we'd get actual mail?"

            Just then the 'breaking news' thingy popped up on the television screen and a newscaster in a hot pink power suit with a perfectly gelled dirty blonde pageboy appeared, shuffling the papers on her desk. 

"This just in. President George W. Bush has been kidnapped out of Air Force One by some gigantic flying…thing. Forces are already on hand to hunt down this massive creature. Vice President Cheney has been moved for safety reasons to the basement of an abandoned Piggly-Wiggly somewhere in Wyoming."

The twin bunnies exchanged glances. 

"You know what to do," Lopmon said. 

"Sit down in our thinking chairs and think, think, think?" 

The brown and pink rabbit sighed. "Close, but not quite. It's Wonder Twin time!" 

Terriermon shot his brother a look of rabid disgust, groaning loudly. "Do we hafta? I mean, there's really no point. We've got the FBI, the CIA, every military person in the country, the Mafia, Superman, Batman, the X-Men, the Olsen twins, and the Alliance. What good are a pair of rabbits in purple spandex?"

            The news anchor was instructed to look up at her teleprompter, which apparently had more breaking news to report. "We have been given word now that the FBI, the CIA, all military personnel, the Mafia, Superman, Batman, the X-Men, the Olsen twins and the Alliance have been rendered helpless by some sort of unknown force. Vice President Cheney has been trying to contact foreign superheroes, but has had, at this time, no luck. We will keep you updated as this unusual story occurs."

Lopmon raised his nonexistent eyebrows. "Hmm? Hmm?"

"I'll go get the costumes."

~*~

            Meanwhile, in a subterranean cave hideout in a little third-world country affectionately known as Afghanistan, the newest Axis of…Evil Stuff was plotting their next scheme of world domination and terrorism. Our villains for this evening are Adolf Hitler's head, kept alive in a chemical-filled fish tank; Osama Bin Laden, who's at the top of every Most Wanted list known to mankind; Yolei Inoue, because she's so annoying that we've decided she can be a terrorist dictator too; Vladimir Lenin, he's not a terrorist, but he's a dictator and I don't care if he died, he's part of this fanfic; and Gary Coleman, because he's Gary Coleman. President Bush, rendered unconscious by a pretzel, was tied up in the corner. 

            "All right, Axis of Evil Stuff, we have kidnapped the American president. So…what now?" bin Laden questioned. 

"Mein gott, are you really that dense? We kill him and claim the world in the name of Nazi Germany! Hail me!" Hitler's head burbled. 

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, we may be terrorists, but I draw the line at killing anyone in a G-PG rated fanfic. Besides, we won't be able to rule the world anyways if we kill him," Yolei pointed out. 

"Well, what do we do then?" bin Laden retorted. "I haven't been hiding in a cave with an opening the size of a grapefruit for the last several _years _just to let my evil schemes go down the drain, you know!"

"We use a shoddily built hypnosis ray to hypnotize the President. Then he'll be under our command, and since he runs the United States, we'll get anything we want. The man can call China if he wants to!" 

"Then it is agreed, and we will march on to victory for Communism and Mother Russia!" Lenin added. 

Gary Coleman shook his head. "Man, this story is whack."

~*~

            Terriermon and Lopmon were ready to go and save the President, because they had their purple jumpsuits on. All they needed to say now was…

"Wonder Twin Power, activate!" 

"Form of…Birdramon!" Lopmon turned into a rather bunny-ish Birdramon. 

"Shape of…a jet!" Terriermon instead turned into Disney character Jett Jackson. "Nuts, got it wrong again!" 

            Soon they were flying around, trying to figure out what happened to our pal Dubya. They ended up in Washington DC, at the White House, where they chatted briefly with Mrs. Bush, who's a really cool lady, and the two daughters, but those two were more interested in procuring fake ID's and doing naughty things with them. It became clear that a bird, which became a giant Slinky and then a bird again, attacked Air Force One and kidnapped the President. 

"Bird, bird, Slinky," Terriermon puzzled. "I've heard of duck, duck, goose, but this is ridiculous!" 

"It's Hawkmon/Aquilamon or Halsemon/Shurimon! Yolei is behind the kidnapping!" Lopmon deduced. "But why?"

"Maybe Osama bin Laden, the head of Adolf Hitler, Vladimir Lenin and Gary Coleman hired her as part of their evil Axis," Terriermon suggested. 

"You're crazy! That would never happen! They'd hire Rika instead."

~*~

            Lopmon decided he'd humor his brother, so they went to Afghanistan to prove that Yolei was not, in fact, part of an evil Axis. That was when Osama and friends tried to shoot them out of the sky with Molotov cocktails made from Campbell's soup cans and Poland Spring bottles. Luckily, our heroic hares were not injured. 

"Little rabbits? The best America can come up with to save their pathetic President is little rabbits? I could eat you for breakfast!" Lenin scoffed. 

"They shall hail me, Kaiser of all Europe!" Hitler demanded. 

"Um, no. We've had enough Kaisers to last us six seasons," Terriermon said nervously, thinking briefly of Ken and our favorite blonde-in-spandex, Digimon Kaiser Yamato. 

"Maybe we should test our hypnosis ray on them first, make sure it works," Yolei suggested. 

"Good idea! Fire it up!" Osama agreed. 

            "Quick, Terriermon, we need to turn into stuff that won't be affected by the hypnosis beam!" 

"Right!"

"Wonder Twin Power, activate!"

"Form of…a flea!" 

"Shape of………" Terriermon couldn't think of anything fast enough. The ray was almost juiced up and ready to go. "_A KAZOO!" _

Instead of a kazoo, Terriermon took the form of Kazu. Fortunately, Kazu doesn't have enough gray matter to sufficiently make the hypnosis beam work. 

"Drat!" Yolei snapped her fingers in defeat. 

Lenin hauled out a cannon and loaded it up, ready to fire at Lopmon, who had become Lopmon again and was trying desperately to get Bush out of this sticky situation. 

"Terriermon, _do _something!"

"Shape of…a wall!" Instead, we get Wallace. It's bad wordplay, I know. 

"Axis of Evil Stuff, you're going down!" declared our Wallace-bunny. 

"Yo, wha chu talking 'bout, Willis?" Gary Coleman asked. 

Lopmon twitched. "You were waiting to do that line, weren't you, Lia?"__

**Of course I was, **stated the omnipresent author as she licked Marshmallow Peep sugar from her fingertips and continued typing. 

~*~

            To make a long story short, the Wonder Twins somehow managed to save the day, as they should, and bring the Axis of Evil Stuff to an end. Osama bin Laden was taken into custody and put under heavy lock and key. Adolf Hitler's head was sent to Futurama, because they have that sort of stuff there. Lenin went back to being dead. Yolei was apprehended and sent back to Archam Asylum, from which she would later escape to appear in _Batpig: The Musical, _and Gary Coleman disappeared to some unknown place. 

            As for our heroes, they enjoyed a lovely salad, watched some wholesome American programming, then both caught viruses and rampaged evilly through Colorado muttering utter nonsense in deep, echoing voices. That is, until they found out that the Tamers needed stand-ins that weekend and they had to be Henry and Suzie…or Jenrya and Suichon, or Jiangliang and Shaochang…yeah, their digimon. But, it's never a dull day in the life of a bunny! 

~*~

            Lia was still moping on the couch when a portal opened up in the wall and yet another Lia stepped through. The one on the couch stared at the other one. 

"Who are you?" 

"You, seven months from now."

"Yeah, well what happens to me in seven months?"

"You have all your braces off, you're still bombing math, you're done with papers for the time being, you have your learner's permit but can't really drive because you recently backed into a dinghy, and you finally got around to finishing this fanfic. So I'll take over for now since you're so last October."

The first Lia shrugged, moving over on the couch for the second. 

"Where's Matt?" present-day Lia inquired. 

"He'll be back in a few minutes." 

Indeed, Matt comes back into the room, having purloined medical supplies and a few bags of herbal tea from Joe. He stared at the two girls on the couch, one wallowing in self-pity and still slightly metallic in the mouth, the other looking amused and completely brace-free. 

"I think I might have hit my head or something, cuz I'm definitely seeing double."

The little portal opens a second time, and another Matt emerges. This one looks as though he hasn't slept in months. 

"Listen," he says to the previous Matt, "run now while you still can. I'm you in seven months. Go while you still have the chance. Go! This girl will put you through unspeakable tortures! Run!" 

Present-day Lia smacks present-day Matt with _A Midsummer Night's Dream. _

"You're scaring yourself, cut it out. For Disasterpiece Theater, I'm Lia."

"And so am I…I think."

~*~

**_That was long overdue for a finish. _**

**Shut up or I'll put you through more 'unspeakable tortures.'**

**_Hmph. You're not a nice girl. _**

And you're not a nice Muse. Now go back in the fanfic and patch things up before you make yourself mental. 

**_Review, save my sanity, please. _**


	23. Disasterpiece 22 and a Half, Special Edi...

Disasterpiece Theater

I'm leaving on a midnight train to Georgia…or a bus to South Carolina

            Lia's broadcasting from the Agianna apartment once again, standing by her massively huge duffel-suitcase on wheels, which is bulging at the seams at the moment. Next to it is her equally massive carry-on backpack, stuffed to the brim with CDs, a copy of _Monty Python and the Holy Grail, _writing/drawing utensils and her Legolas bookmarked not even half-finished copy of _Fellowship of the Ring. _And she's wearing her lavender girly-Kaiser glasses. 

"Hey, welcome to a very special edition of Disasterpiece Theater! I'm your host, Lia, and by special demand I bring to you a special fanfic. My good friend Crayon, who's always around when need her, asked me to write a Disasterpiece entailing the heroic feats of the League of Super Authors, that ex tempore band of justice-disputing fanfic authors left from that Batpig contest. And yes, Super Hurricane, I'm aware of the fact that I haven't done the picture up. Patamon created a mishap and the original drawing got burnt. So, Crayon, here is your fic."

~*~

            It was another day of dispensing online justice for the League of Super Authors, making sure that fanfiction.net was a safe place for writers everywhere. With their handy Plot Devices, the incredible foursome of Anorexic Chibi, Super Hurricane, King Weregarurumon and Crayon Person (who can now be officially renamed Crayon Girl) were busy protecting the written word. 

"So…got any threes?"

"Go fish."

Okay, so maybe it was a slow day for the League of Super Authors. 

            Crayon Girl, cleverly disguised as mild-mannered Digimon fic-slinger Crayon, glanced over at the giant League Super Fanfic Computer. The enormously huge and super Supercomputer was starting to gather dust. 

"Hey, the Fanfic Computer's really, really dusty," she observed. 

King Weregarurumon rolled his eyes. "Thank you, Captain Obvious."

"Wait…we're changing my name to Captain Obvious?"

The others shook their heads. It's been a long night of heroics; nobody really knows what they're talking about after a long night of heroics. 

"Well, it doesn't help that we haven't written much lately, seeing as how we're superheroes and students who have to keep their grades up," Chibi pointed out. 

Hurricane frowned. "I'm not sure if that's it. My story senses are tingling again."

"Wha? Your 'story senses?' Where did you come up with that?" Crayon asked. 

Super Hurricane shrugged. "Not my fanfic, not my words."

            The Super Authors quickly dusted off the Supercomputer, booted it up, and hit the Internet. Like a magical digiport to the Digital World, it transported them to the fanfiction.net universe, which looks like that white void from _The Matrix. _

"So…where do you think the problem's at?" Anorexic Chibi pondered, looking around. 

King Weregarurumon opened up a randomly appearing file cabinet. "Where else? In Lia's plot universe. This is _her _fanfic series that we're in, so the problem is going to be there. Let's go, people."

And like that, they were there. Although, there wasn't much _there _to be at. 

            "The heck? Is that a wall?" Crayon Girl exclaimed, pointing to the giant slab of rock looming overhead. It was pretty all encompassing and about as bland-looking as steamed cauliflower. 

"It looks pretty wall-ish to me," Super Hurricane replied. 

"Knowing Lia, now would be a good time for Willis to show up."

No, Willis (or Wallace, so the joke will work) did not show up. In fact, there was no sign of any random anime life fluttering around the fic-verse, just the big giant wall. 

"I'm starting to think this isn't a wall," King Weregarurumon stated. 

            "_YOU IDIOTS, I'M NOT A WALL!_" shouted the big dull mass. 

"Then what are you?" questioned the League of Super Authors. 

The lump of stone looked rather smug…well, about as smug as a lump of stone can look. 

"I'm a Writer's Block."

"Figures."

Anorexic Chibi frowned. "But what are you doing?"

"Blocking any creativity flowing between the author and her Muse. By doing so, I have effectively halted all imagination. And I will do this until I have systematically choked the creative essence out of every fanfic author on the face of this world."

"We won't let you!" Crayon Girl shouted. "Because we're the League of Super Authors, and in the name of fanfiction.net and creativity we're going to…to…I can't think of a catchy cliché!"

            The authors started to panic. This Writer's Block was trying to work its blocky voodoo on them and slowly absorb all of the randomness from their heads like a giant sponge. Or a giant SpongeBob. And it was doing a pretty good job. So good, in fact, that our heroes weren't even able to yank their Plot Devices out of hammerspace to vanquish this fiendish foe. Their Muses were suffocating slowly, but surely. Everything around them ground to a complete halt…

…that is, until the Writer's Block realized it had bitten off more than it could chew, literally. It had completely gorged itself on a group of very active, very vast imaginations, and it wasn't gonna hold anything else. Like somebody who's eaten a really big meal really fast. You've eaten so much in such a short amount of time that your body can't process it and…the Writer's Block spewed creativity as it upchucked characters, setting, plot and Plot Devices alike. Even the Super Authors' Muses were freed from their stony imprisonments, ready to whisper harebrained schemes into their owners' minds. 

            "Oh, for messing with Super Authors, you're gonna pay, you blockhead! Hey, I can cliché again! All right!" Crayon Girl crowed, pulling out her giant and impressive Plot Device in a well-timed sequence with her co-writers. They fired the devices, and the Writer's Block exploded into a shower of really tiny Writer's Pebbles, which were scattered through out fandom. 

            "We've saved the day again, Super Authors," King Weregarurumon mentioned. 

"And made sure that authors can't be threatened by Writer's Blocks anymore," Super Hurricane added. 

"But it makes you wonder," Anorexic Chibi said, "just where that first Writer's Block came from to begin with."

The League of Super Authors thought really hard, making one of those giant thought balloons appear. Inside was a picture of a cube-shaped planet, where a host of Writer's Blocks were standing around. 

"Your Majesty, Block #18294736 has just been eradicated by a league of incredibly super authors!" 

The King of the Writer's Blocks, signified by the little gold crown, looked very perturbed, or about as perturbed as a block wearing a crown can be. 

"We will have our revenge. Beware, authors, beware. For the day of the Writer's Block is at hand! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

~*~

            "Yes, it was weird and random! But this is Disasterpiece Theater, what more do you want? Thanks to Crayon and the League of Super Authors, because you are indeed super. For Disasterpiece Theater, I'm Lia Agianna. I'll see you all when I get back from South Carolina. Until then, enjoy this test pattern!"

The Digidestined cast lean into the frame, staring at the test pattern. 

"Lia, that's one ugly test pattern," Mimi points out. 

T.K. nods in agreement. "Can we change it? I mean, you should have something nicer than a black-and-white test pattern."

"What about the one with the colored bars that makes that annoying bleeping sound?" Shadowmon suggests. 

"How about no?" Gatomon retorts. 

Matt, being a clever Muse, rips a piece of paper out of a notebook, grabs a random marker, scrawls something, and sticks the piece of paper in front of the camera. 

"GTG?" Tai reads. 

"Gone to Ghetto."

Ken nods. "It's like those people in the 1800's who would write GTT, Gone to Texas, on their doors and leave because Mexico needed people to come and pop…"

"No! You're not allowed to give the explanation, I am! You know why? Because I'm the genius, not you! Do any explaining again and you'll be writing GTT on your door!" Izzy threatens. And Lia backs slowly away, hoping that somebody with a stun gun will come along and subdue the unruly crowd of cartoons. 

~*~

**You know, you could've put 'Gone to South Carolina.'**

**_Because it sounds like you're on vacation, which you aren't._**

**I know, I think I'll end up being on a roof. **

**_You'll end up falling off that roof too. _**

**Don't be mean to be just because I'm going away, Matt.**

**_You're leaving me with the lunatics again!_**

***grins* And what fun I'll have while I'm away.  **


	24. Just Miscommunication: A Digimon Players...

Disasterpiece Theater

Finally! Something New and Different!

            Lia's stationed in her now squeaky clean and still slightly dusty bedroom, sitting in a wing chair that hadn't been sat in by a human being for a very long time…as it had been used for clothing depository. On her lap is a very large, very thick binder of white-lined paper, a copy of _Gundam Wing _the manga, and a blue feather pen. 

            "Good morning, afternoon, or evening, I'm Lia Agianna and this is Disasterpiece Theater. Well, in my purging of that hellhole of a bedroom, I tossed out all the old slips that this series relied on. That means I can't give everyone not yet used their own personal story, because that'd take too long and I forget who was left over. That being said, Disasterpiece Theater is taking on a new format. We will be using Digimon cast members from all four respective seasons to perform parodies of well-known movies and/or anime series that I just can't do as a whole story. So, without further ado, may I give you today's or tonight's Disasterpiece. For your personal enjoyment, I present the Digimon Players in their short parody of…you guessed it, _Gundam Wing._"

~*~

***Just Miscommunication: Gundam Wing Done Disasterpiece***

Just wild beat communication…yada-yada-yada some Japanese words…tonight. 

            'With high expectations, humans leave Earth and begin living in colonies in space. However, the United Earth Sphere Alliance has taken control of the colonies in the name of justice and peace. Certain colonies have retaliated by sending mobile suits to Earth disguised as shooting stars in Operation Meteor. But the Alliance soon catches on to their scheme…'

            Willis, producer of all things parody, ran around with his little clipboard, looking very nervous. Mimi and Sora, meanwhile, were doing their best as hair and makeup artists…even though Mimi has a role in the cast. Hair was taking far too long, and Sora had to get a vat of Vaseline to grease up Takato's legs in order for him to make any attempt to hike on those nasty tight spandex shorts of Heero's. 

            "Are we ready yet? We just finished that really annoying and repetitive little opening phrase thing and stuck up the episode marquee, the one with Wing on it? The pilots need to be on stage now," he informed everyone, looking as if he were going to start shooting up a couple of colonies himself. 

            "Just about!" Mimi and Sora chimed, still trying to hoist those awful shorts up Takato. Yolei walked in, dressed very Lady Une-like. 

            "What episode are we even doing? I mean, something seems wrong about this," she asked, playing with her very large, not as intimidating as the real Une's glasses. 

Willis examined his clipboard. "Um…it's sort of hodgepodge. Lia's only seen episodes one through four and _Endless Waltz_, so she sort of lumped everything together. Now can we please get on with this?"

The cast filed out onto the set, which was pilfered from the back closets at Cartoon Network, where they threw _Tenchi Muyo _and _Big O _and _Blue Submarine No. 6. _And so, let us finally get started with this parody, aptly titled…

~_The Shooting Star She Saw that Was Actually the Gundam Deathscythe and Five Gundams were Confirmed at the Victoria Nightmare's Endless Waltz~_

            A couple of useless, random, nameless pilots played by any of the boys that weren't main characters glanced out of the shuttle windows at something that appeared to be a shooting star. Random Pilot Kenta glanced down at the radar. 

            "Something big headed for the atmosphere. You think we should inform Lieutenant…" he paused to giggle loudly. 

Joe glared at him. "What? What's so funny?"

            "This guy's name. Lieutenant Sex."

            "What?!" Cody gasped. "Let me see your script!" He leafed through the pages, read something, and smacked Kenta with said script. 

            "His name is 'Zechs,' not 'Sex,' you idiot. If you're going to have a problem with it, just call him Lieutenant Merquise. Besides, we're not using the real first names anyway."

            Meanwhile, in a very big blue shuttle that's so not conspicuous at all (read: dripping with sarcasm) Matt was definitely not wearing the big metal Zechs Merquise helmet. 

            "No way am I letting this thing mess up my hair. Yeah, so there's something entering the Earth's atmosphere. We'll shoot it down, don't worry."

Meanwhile, on a shuttle headed for Earth as well, daughter of the Vice Foreign Minister Mimi Darlian was very upset that her 'father' had neglected her while they were on vacation in the colonies. 

            "Stop that. You know my job is important," Gennai (the younger) chided. "Not my fault I'm the Vice Foreign Minister and you're annoying."

Mimi huffed and crossed her arms, glaring out the window. "Hey, something falling through the atmosphere that looks like a shooting star but isn't. Cool."

And within the Gundam…I mean, shooting star, pilot Takato Yuy was doing his damnedest to sound like Heero, but failing miserably. 

            "I'm too nice to be playing Heero. Why couldn't they have cast somebody scarier? Or older? I'm only twelve! And, oh damn, now the OZ mobile suits are coming after me. Let's go, Wing."

And in true low-budget fashion, the model of the plane Wing Gundam (as held by Veemon) is switched for the model of the mobile suit Wing (as held by Veemon's other hand). Said model starts attacking the model Leo suits and Aries suits (as held by Shadowmon, Gomamon, and Patamon). All the digimon were making those childish and annoying battle background noises. 

            "Fssshhhhhewwww! Wsshhhhh! Bang! I shot you with my buster rifle! You exploded with a brrrrrrrgggggrrrmmmm!"

Yeah. Meanwhile, on terra firma…

~*~

            Stuff was 'exploding' thanks to a model of Deathscythe (as held by Wormmon) until a close-up pans inside the cockpit, where somebody who looks remarkably like Duo Maxwell (but isn't) was logging in his entry. 

            "This is Taichi Maxwell, I'm surprised Sora and Mimi managed to gel my hair down this much and braid it like this, I didn't think it was humanly possible. And there were about three hundred Tokomon in it as well. But maybe they got it braided because I've been filching Kari's Herbal Essences shampoo lately and it's been leaving my hair so shiny and soft and…oh right, I destroyed the enemy and their suits and I'm moving on."

            And at a munitions factory halfway across the globe (or a cardboard set that looks like a munitions factory) the Gundam Heavyarms model (held by and sound-effected for by Gabumon) was 'shooting down' the enemy. Inside, a certain loudmouthed twelve-year-old had had his mouth duct taped and his hair meticulously gelled into a unibang. 

            "Now that you've seen me, I can't let you live. My secret mission was only to destroy the base. Now I'll destroy everything. This is battle 001, pilot's name, Trowa………Kazu (it was recorded in), for the record," a slightly tinny recording stated. Nobody trusted Kazu to say only his lines. Besides he would've said something very not Trowa, like "you're so dead, Chumley. My Heavyarms takes out your Taurus with this upgrade card." 

            And in the middle of the desert, several Leo models were shot at by forty Manguanac suit models (kept in levitation by Shadowmon's psychic twiddlings) and the Gundam Sandrock model slices and dices with its big scimitars (held up by Impmon). The camera pans in to find our pilot pulling his goggles up. 

            "Takeru here, I destroyed the leader. And I swear I'm not the gay one. I don't care if Quatre really is the gay one, I'm not. Matt, stop snickering at me, you have that fruity uniform on."

From the Gundam communication channels, Matt replies with, "I'm not the one wearing the pink shirt and the purple vest. And your Gundam looks like it's in drag."

            "You're an awful brother, I hate you."

            And on a submarine (in a bathtub) the Gundam Shenlong (or Nataku the First) model (held by Terriermon…Henry's, not Willis's) was destroying things. Camera pans inside and…

            "My name's Ken, I'm not hiding anywhere and I'm not really Chinese. My hair's just been pulled so tightly that it's making the corners of my eyes pull back even further than they normally are. It really, really hurts. Can't Wufei just leave it down? It looks so much better."

~*~

            While this has gone on, Takato's tried to self-destruct a few times already, but refuses to do it because he's scared. He didn't threaten to kill Mimi either, nor did he beat up any paramedics, ride a horse, or rip up birthday invitations. Mimi refuses to be infatuated with Takato either, because she states that it'd be robbing the cradle. Lia and Nicki, high muckety-muck executives in this fiasco, are starting to wonder if they should recast. Meanwhile, Calumon's bathtub had been invaded by Gomamon, a submarine, some Cancer and Pisces suits, the Wing suit that fell into the ocean, and Deathscythe. 

            "You'll all die!" Tai stated a little too happily. "Anybody who sees me dies!"

Matt interrupted on the communication lines again. "Duo's not _that _happy, nimrod. And what's with Takato? He won't be eerie at all."

            "Maybe Ryo should take over as Heero. Wardrobe!" Lia hollered. Sora ran around with a large silk screen, which she placed in front of Takato. His silhouette throws off the tank top and replaces it, and then struggles with the shorts. Another screen is placed in front of Ryo Akiyama, who puts on the green tank top and takes a jar of Vaseline from Sora, greases up his legs, and slides the spandex shorts on with a loud sucking sound (from the spandex). 

            "Better. Now be _evilish_," Nicki demanded. 

Tai tried shooting at Ryo after Ryo tried shooting at Mimi, but everyone found out that their guns were only squirt guns full of tapioca pudding. 

            "Oh, who puts tapioca pudding in a squirt gun? This is ridiculous!" Tai cried out. 

The network censors waved. 

Meanwhile, there are shots of Kazu trying to join the circus, where he put his arm into a Leomon cage and almost got it ripped off; T.K. sitting in a tent with a large glass of lemonade, watching flamingoes flock to his already girly enough Gundam and swear vehemently that he still is not the gay one; and Ken paying off a couple of guys with an Army truck to do something about his hair…I mean give him explosives. 

~*~

            And then Ryo was taken to a hospital after sustaining too many pudding injuries, and we meet Zoe Po, the pigtailed Army major. She walks out and visits with Mimi, who is desperate to see Ryo. 

            "So, what do you know about this friend you brought into the hospital?" Zoe (who's really Izumi, but Zoe sounds closer to Sally) asked. 

            "Not a whole lot. He used to be Takato, but we had to switch Heero's because Takato was too much of a wuss. And he likes to try and kill himself a lot."

And then Tai snuck into the hospital, blew a few things up, and he and Ryo escaped out a window. Ryo almost didn't deploy his parachute, but by the time he did, it was almost too late and he rolled down a cliff. Everybody watching the little Heero action figure roll down the flight of stairs (the cliff) made the appropriate sound effects.

            "Ooh! Ow! Ah! Oh! Oof! Oh! Ack! Ow! Ai!" 

            And meanwhile Sex…I mean Zechs…I mean Matt is wondering why we have a Lady Une but no Treize Khushrenada. And yelling at everyone to do what he says because he's the OZ Special Forces lieutenant and they're not. And at the Corsica base, the random pilots got shot at by Heavyarms the action figure until he ran out of ammo. Kazu managed to take the tape off, but under penalty of death has to behave. 

            "Oh crud, I'm out of ammo. Looks like I'll just have to use my giant machete."

And Kazu began using his giant machete until Sandrock and the Manguanac troops came to back them up, and Heavyarms and Sandrock began fighting each other. T.K. came out of the cockpit. 

            "We're on the same side, you know! And quit laughing at me! I'm not the gay one! Besides, if I was the gay one, you'd be my boyfriend because it's so damn obvious Quatre and Trowa have a thing going for each other!" 

            "Dude, you talk way too much."

~*~

            Matt goes off to visit Hikari Noin, whose hair has been dyed a lovely shade of Ichijouji blue and restyled at Victoria base. Neither one speaks to the other, because Matt really doesn't want to be flirting with his best friend's sister-slash-brother's girlfriend, and likewise for Kari…even though we all know Noin and Zechs have the hots for one another. Ryo and Tai work on fixing their mobile suits, Ryo being eerily Heero-y and Tai trying way too hard to be Duo. Kazu and T.K. try to do Quatre and Trowa's violin and flute duet and only manage to break the violin we had on hand and play a good game of softball with the flute. We have no real Manguanacs, and no real Rashid. 

            Ken comes along in Shenlong and blows things up, a lot of things. Seems that Ken has some pyromania. Kari jumps into an Aries and takes off after him, but falters when it comes to firing at him. 

            "You're just a kid, and you're my friend Ken Ichijouji so I can't hurt you!"

            "Stupid woman, I'm Chang Ken, and you're weak. I'm not going to kill a weak woman like you, but I'll blow everything up around you while you helplessly dangle in the cockpit by your shoulder harness."

Ooh dear, looks like Kenny's all Kaiser-y. Damn Wufei-ness. 

And then Ken yells a whole lot, probably because his ponytail is so very, very tight. 

To round the whole thing out, Mimi stands on a cliff, facing the water, staring off at the sunset. She takes a deep breath and clenches her fists. 

            "_HEEEEEEEEEERO! I AM RIGHT OVER HERE, SO COME AND KILL MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" _

~*~

Just love…mumble mumble Japanese… 

The end credits are supposed to have Relena scowling a whole lot into the camera, but Mimi doesn't know how to scowl, so we replaced her with Rika scowling a whole lot into the camera. And kicking a rhinoceros.

Kouji shook his head. "This was the most low budget, depressingly stupid parody of Gundam Wing I have ever seen. Nobody really talked at all."

Tai tugged at his hair, finding that now that it was in the Duo braid, he couldn't get it out of the Duo braid. "Well, that can't be helped."

            "I didn't even do anything in this, and Zechs is all over the episodes," Matt groused. 

            "Well, as bishounen as he is, he's Zechs, and his mask is ugly, so we didn't give him much to do," Nicki stated. 

            "And where was Treize?" Junpei (or J.P) asked. 

The girls grimaced. "Um…stuck in the bathtub?"

~*~

            "So, that was my pathetic attempt at writing a really short parody of Gundam Wing. Hope you got some laughs out of it, because this is the sort of thing we're doing here from now on. For the Disasterpiece Theater and its performers, I'm Lia Agianna. Omae o korosu. Kisama. Onna. And all those other good Japanese one-liners from Gundam Wing."

~*~

Ishida: That was dumb. 

**Shut up. **

Winner: I really _am _the gay one, aren't I?

**It's sort of obvious, Q. But we love you anyways. **

Chang: Stupid onna. 


End file.
